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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit disappointed that he didn't get me anything for Christmas?

441 replies

Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 24/12/2024 16:43

I've name changed anticipating being told I'm "grabby" but I'd like some outsider perspective on whether you think I'm being unreasonable.

New boyfriend. 4 months. Had the exclusive chat and we have both said we have feelings for one another.

It was his birthday last week. I bought him a present. It didn't feel odd to do so, we've spent a lot of time together by this point.

Fast forward to Christmas, I got him a Christmas present. He hasn't got one for me (but has kept me updated about the things he's buying everyone else).

We spent yesterday together and I thought I'd at least leave with a Christmas card if not a box of chocolates or something. Nothing.

I'm feeling a bit stupid for buying things for him now 😔

AIBU (for 1) buying him gifts early on and 2) feeling the way I do now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 25/12/2024 00:55

Thank you!

I'm absolutely dreading the call I'm going to get tomorrow when he opens his present. I'm cringing already. I wish I hadn't bought it and feel like I've gone overboard in light of the fact I didn't get anything back.

He will definitely call, he did when he opened his other one on his birthday. I've no doubt he will be grateful but it's not really about that is it?

OP posts:
GiddyRobin · 25/12/2024 01:12

Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 25/12/2024 00:55

Thank you!

I'm absolutely dreading the call I'm going to get tomorrow when he opens his present. I'm cringing already. I wish I hadn't bought it and feel like I've gone overboard in light of the fact I didn't get anything back.

He will definitely call, he did when he opened his other one on his birthday. I've no doubt he will be grateful but it's not really about that is it?

Not at all, and honestly I'd be breezy with him, a swift call where you don't say much. If it were me, I'm not even sure I'd answer.

Get rid, though. Doing it Christmas might not be what you fancy doing (I would...but I'm hard faced 😂), but really think if this is what you want. Because you deserve so much better. And please, please, for the love of fuck - don't be embarrassed by the fact you gave him gifts. You're a nice person, that's a normal thing to do. It's him who seems to be deficient in emotions and relationship skills.

redalex261 · 25/12/2024 02:57

He's had your gift for a few days and hasn't reciprocated. He's even had time for a wee peek at what you've bought him so he has an idea of what level of gift he should consider (could be a paperback or an iphone, who knows??)

Doesn't look like he is planning to surprise you tomorrow (but he might). He's not a nice guy - tight/stingy/selfish call it what you want it's not a good trait.

ThatKhakiMoose · 25/12/2024 04:53

IknowIputitsomewhere · 25/12/2024 00:51

Whether or not he realises it, it's a power play. He is testing where the balance of power in your relationship is, and so far it's very firmly on his side.

While I think your present was rather over the top for such an early relationship, it was generous and thoughtful. As you had already given him a birthday present, he should have known perfectly well you would give him a Christmas present.

In my opinion, this is not a matter for discussion and negotiation and apologies and promises to do things better in the future. It's a mark of who he is, and you deserve better. Keep your bar high here and value yourself higher than he values you.

I don't think it's over-the-top; they've declared feelings and they're in an exclusive sexual and romantic relationship. A high-end cologne is fine. It's him who's out of step here, not her.

ThatKhakiMoose · 25/12/2024 05:02

I'm sorry your bf turned out to be like this, OP. To buy everyone in his life nice gifts and NOTHING for you is a big slap in the face. On the bright side, at least you found out about his game-playing and lack of generosity early. This is some real boundary-testing stuff from him, and that can be typical at the start of relationships that turn abusive. Expect worse to follow. Please, please come back and tell us you broke it off. Oh - and when you do, be prepared for him to have a sob story about how hurt he got by his kids' mum so he's just "scared" and how he can't live without you. It's all part of the abuser's script.

There is no excuse for not getting you something. He just wanted to be horrible to you.

Hugs xxx There are men out there who don't do something upsetting for no reason like this.

Because that's what this is, if you think about it. He's created an issue and really upset you, out of nowhere, and for no reason. Really think about that. When you break up with him, tell him how his lack of generosity and the fact that he got you nothing when you got him something is an unacceptable way to treat you and that it's a huge turn-off. That way, he knows his nonsense doesn't fly with you and has been called out.

You have a nice Christmas xxxx

Beesandhoney123 · 25/12/2024 05:39

Ah, so you had a conversation about perfumes. Presumably you told him your favourite as well?

He has dc so I would have assumed he would do token gifts to adults, and reciprocate accordingly. I would not have bought him an expensive perfume.

Maybe he's waiting for the sales. We can make excuses all day long, but he sounds like a chancer to me, and a bit of a cocklodger.

He stays at your place before
Christmas, doesn't even contribute a bunch of flowers, enjoys your hospitality, shags you, then fucks off looking forward to opening his gift. As he primed you what to get him, he knows what it is.

If he is skint, he shouldn't accept a gift from you. Its basic stuff. You can say no it's fine but you have a choice.

I sincerely hope you are with family and friends this Christmas and New Year. Not watching him drink your champagne and start telling you he loves Paris or something, what with valentines coming up.

Snugglemonkey · 25/12/2024 05:47

DancingHippos · 24/12/2024 16:49

I'd be disappointed too.
The advice I give to women in relationships is to consider 3 things

  • is he kind?
  • is he generous?
  • how does he behave towards his mum?

I think this is important. Though I have been with two men who were wonderful to their mother, but horrible to me. One actually physically and emotionally abusive. But everyone thinks he is fantastic because he is such a family man. To his own family, not the family we created.

NiftyPeachDreamer · 25/12/2024 06:54

Can you tell him that you confused the gifts and the Tom Ford is for your dad and you need it back?

Commonsense22 · 25/12/2024 07:15

Don't be embarrassed by the gifts. You did the right, normal thing. He is the idiot.

It's clearly not innocuous and a sign about how he views you / the relationship. I'd be tempted to just not return his calls.

Original poster
Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 25/12/2024 07:37

We did have a conversation about perfumes yes, initiated by him. He actually sent me a picture of the one he claimed he was going to buy me then never mentioned it again. It's just odd isn't it?

That's a good idea about telling him the Tom Ford got mixed up and was for my dad but I think I've left it a bit late now 😬

Wishing you all a very merry Christmas! Fortunately I do have a bunch of gifts to open myself today so he hasn't spoilt anything for me 🙂

OP posts:
NiftyPeachDreamer · 25/12/2024 07:40

Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 25/12/2024 07:37

We did have a conversation about perfumes yes, initiated by him. He actually sent me a picture of the one he claimed he was going to buy me then never mentioned it again. It's just odd isn't it?

That's a good idea about telling him the Tom Ford got mixed up and was for my dad but I think I've left it a bit late now 😬

Wishing you all a very merry Christmas! Fortunately I do have a bunch of gifts to open myself today so he hasn't spoilt anything for me 🙂

I think you should try getting the Tom Ford back!

Or at the very least email him a picture of the perform you want and ask him when he’s getting it.

@

MounjaroOnMyMind · 25/12/2024 07:43

I'm laughing so much at "Clubcard Cunt" - I never use that word and really hate it, but it really suits him.

I'm wondering if he used some of the points on your card.

If he doesn't get you a present, I'd write him off altogether. I think he's not only really tight, but he's rubbing your nose in it by telling you about gifts he's buying others.

If you do carry on seeing him, make sure you split bills exactly - no more subsiding this grasping loser.

category12 · 25/12/2024 07:48

We did have a conversation about perfumes yes, initiated by him. He actually sent me a picture of the one he claimed he was going to buy me then never mentioned it again. It's just odd isn't it?

Wow.

What a dick.

AwardGiselePelicotTheNobelPeacePrize · 25/12/2024 07:51

Grabby and love bombing? You need to recalibrate your self esteem sweetheart

Original poster
Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 25/12/2024 07:52

It has definitely got me rethinking things as it's left a bad taste.

As others have noted it's not about me wanting lavish gifts, but the least he could do is a box of chocolates or something. It's the thought that counts and that's what's upset me tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 25/12/2024 07:53

AwardGiselePelicotTheNobelPeacePrize · 25/12/2024 07:51

Grabby and love bombing? You need to recalibrate your self esteem sweetheart

I think I do yes 😔

OP posts:
Mumofnarnia · 25/12/2024 07:57

Please update us op when you have dumped his sorry arse (I really hope you do) and tell him you’re not into shit game playing with empty promises of presents and that he better not use your club card again. Also be prepared for him to be full of apologies and begging for you to come back. All abusers do this, it’s just part of the script. Once you have them back they treat you even worse from there on because they know they got away with it the first time round.

Iaminthefly · 25/12/2024 07:58

This will be your life if you stay with this man op. I've read your posts and just no.

You sound like a lovely thoughtful person and you deserve the same back. This man is not it. Give him another present. The gift of being single again.

Iaminthefly · 25/12/2024 08:01

I did a similar thing last year. I'd been dating a man for six months. Got him and his two children gifts (just small ones) Then I got nothing back and then he ghosted me. He was a very wealthy man as well. Far far better off than me.

I still cringe a year later.

2025willbemytime · 25/12/2024 08:06

I feel he is bread crumbing you by mentioning the perfume. Keeping you hanging and then when there is no gift, you dump him he can then say you're a money grabber.

NiftyPeachDreamer · 25/12/2024 08:23

How much was the Tom Ford? I saw they started at £90 😢

Shoxfordian · 25/12/2024 08:27

He can't even manage to buy you a present for the first Christmas together, be single for the new year - it's not grabby or entitled to expect a present from your boyfriend, it's totally normal.

Original poster
Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 25/12/2024 08:28

I paid just shy of £200 for it (and that was at sale price too)

Embarrassed doesn't come close 😔

OP posts:
category12 · 25/12/2024 08:32

Jeez, OP. 😮

He's the grabby one.

If you don't receive a nice belated present rapidly, dump him before New Year is out.

Or maybe just dump him.

NiftyPeachDreamer · 25/12/2024 08:33

Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 25/12/2024 08:28

I paid just shy of £200 for it (and that was at sale price too)

Embarrassed doesn't come close 😔

OMG 😳😳😳

OP, you have got to get it back.

Tell him you want to smell it to see if your dad would like it and then DON’T GIVE IT BACKz

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