I am about to ruin Christmas again. Why? So sad

[Teiuu]

I have always had severe anxiety. I’m late 30s now. I’m in bed after a huge row with DP which only started due to my stress. I find happy occasions/occasions meant to be happy, very stressful. I don’t know why. It’s like I look for problems. Same with holidays birthdays etc. Why? I’m lying here telling myself I can make a decision right now to stop this but it’s so hard. I feel almost stuck in a pit of anxiety which I know will magically lift when the special occasion is over. Please help. :(

What are you anxious about?
Are you having therapy?

Work on your breathing/meditate/go for a walk now - whatever you do to manage your anxiety. In the New Year, get some help. You’re aware that you have a problem and if you’re willing to do the work it can get better.

Christmas is hugely stressful.
I struggle with it too and I don't have anxiety.
Do you take any medication for your anxiety? It can be serious and should be treated appropriately.

If you're sure that the argument was due to your anxious state and nothing else, then you could start by being honest with DP and explaining that you recognise that you reacted badly because you're feeling anxious. And hope that you can chill out for a bit and then have another go at the conversation/ situation later.

Urgh sorry to hear this @Teiuu I can relate to an extent.

Do you get any help with your anxiety? Medication, therapy, both?

You can't sort out the 'why' of this before tomorrow but do you have any techniques that you can use to feel more grounded?

Does your DP know and understand about your anxiety?

It sounds like these events overwhelm you? Maybe the expectations of what you ‘should’ be doing puts pressure on you and you become overwhelmed and retreat?

Are you sure arguments are caused by you or could your DP be gaslighting to believe that it's you who causes arguments/ruins special occasions?

Do you ever 'ruin' any occasions your DP isn't involved in?

I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed. I get a mild form of this. My brain runs away with itself trying to think what needs doing, I can't think properly - it's like a brain fog descends which is even more anxiety provoking because I think I'm missing things. It's hard to motivate myself to take action. My sleep goes to hell.

When Christmas is over you need to go and talk to a counsellor about why you get like this. In the meantime, apologise to your husband and explain how stressed you're feeling. Dial back on all plans.

There are two parts of your brain the higher part which knows how you should/ want to behave and the primitive part which is the fight/flight/freeze part. For some reason busy celebrations are kicking off this primitive part of your brain which is much stronger than the higher part. (There are loads of books which explain it. The Chimp Paradox is a good one) You have to find a way to coax and soothe the primitive brain into accepting what the higher part of your brain wants to do.

I watched a super helpful tiktok recently that described that being in a 'wanting' state creates stress and anxiety and we can counter it by focusing on 'having'. I suspect happy occasions put you in a very stressful wanting state, wanting things to be perfect/different etc. Could you try focusing on what you have and try to stop thinking about want? Be on the alert for every wanting thought that comes in and stop it and replace it with a thought about what you already have. I have been doing this in the run up to Christmas and the annual pre-Christmas meltdown just didn't happen this year.
You may also be just trying to manage your anxiety by 'ruining' it in advance, essentially you're sure a happy occasion will be ruined so you can control that anxiety it by ruining it first yourself.
I'm only an armchair psychologist so please ignore if not helpful, but often if we can become aware of our patterns it gives us a chance to choose to react differently. Good luck x

OP, I TOTALLY get it. I have OCD and it's worst at the times I should enjoy most - I'm always worried I will be worrying about something which will stop me enjoying the day. And even if I'm not worried about something, I feel anxious about the fun day/occasion coming to an end which stops me enjoying it in the present - it's crazy, your mind can literally be your worst enemy! I am slowly learning how to manage this problem although it's hard, there's no doubt about it. I've had therapists and I've read self help books and YouTube videos. I find different things can help me feel better, but one of the things that I'm trying to practise most (that my therapist taught me) is to recognise thoughts as simply thoughts. They feel uncomfortable and they make you stressed but you can't try and stop them cos it will make them worse. You just have to become accepting and comfortable with the thoughts and feelings, and then they won't feel so harsh. They can't hurt you, and they're not fact. It also takes time - the way i look at it, if I accept that it might be difficult this Christmas but don't give in to the anxious thoughts, then I'll have more of a handle on it next year! It can be SO hard, but be easy on yourself. Enjoy what you can! Good luck and take care.

What are your expectations?

Now sit down and work out a lower expectation version of that incorporating things that have gone wrong.

It's about control. Find a way to be in control.

Thanks for the replies

@Sojo88 yes it’s exactly that 😭 these horrible thoughts come into my mind and I obsess over them. I do it whenever it’s a special occasion. And I’ve done it since I was around 8 years old.

DP is not perfect but this behaviour from me is absolutely classic I can almost predict it. I am almost searching for a problem the moment we are supposed to enjoy ourselves. It’s genuinely ruined so many things for me

Christmas can be a very stressful time, there's no doubt about it. If you already suffer from anxiety then I am sure that could make it much worse too.

I too can be anxious/a worrier. We don't do big family Christmases though and just stay in our family bubble apart from going to a local restaurant for Christmas Dinner. That makes it bearable for me, and even fun.

Are you under pressure to go to events you find uncomfortable? Is there any compromise that can be made?

Be realistic with yourself. Tell yourself there is no script, no right way to do it, and whatever happens, the day will be done and everything will be fine. I would guess you are putting so much pressure on yourself to anticipate everything/get everything just right, that you are making yourself ill. Once we are in the New Year, look for some therapy for anxiety. Although you dont mean it to, it can be really hard to be around people who are anxious, and I guess that is what leads to the rows.

Your poor dp. You have anxiety @Teiuu but this behaviour is abusive. Please seek.help before you destroy your relationship.

I can’t specify what I’m anxious about as it literally is anything that comes into my head. It could be something from years ago even.

Where are you children in all this?

This may be over simplifying and I hope I cause no offence, as it will doubtless take a lot more than this to work long term.

How would you behave if you weren't anxious?
Then do your best ever acting and play that role
It's called fake it until you make it, as you know, and IT CAN WORK.
Act (behave) as if you are not anxious and eventually you will feel that way inside, too.

Why not stop giving yourself a hard time, that will help. Just have low expectations and get through the day.

Do you have kids?
(I really hope not).

You know you have a problem and aren’t denying it, which is good.

In future, I would encourage DH to celebrate things like this away from you with his own family or friends.

I would then try and celebrate it together but on a different day.

I assume you’ve had some sort of therapy.
What techniques do they say to use?

If you want this relationship to last then the first thing I would do would be to celebrate separately.

• Get out of your room right now - start with something small like getting water. Just moving helps break the anxiety cycle you're in

• Text your partner something quick like "Sorry about earlier - having a rough time but working on it" - this starts fixing things without needing a big conversation

• Do some practical prep for tomorrow:

• Sort out what you'll wear
• Get any presents ready
• Basically anything you'll need first thing
• Gives your brain something real to focus on instead of worrying

• For tomorrow morning:

• Wake up 30 mins early to avoid rush
• Shower and get ready before seeing anyone
• Having this quiet time to do normal stuffcan really helps calm your system

• When you join everyone:

• Pick something practical to do (helping with breakfast, sorting tables etc)
• Having a job makes it easier than just having to be "social"
• Keeps you involved but with less pressure

• If it gets too much during the day:

• Take quick breaks by doing jobs (making drinks, tidying up etc)
• Much better than hiding away completely
• Gives you breathing space while staying part of things
• Each time you manage a small interaction, it helps reset your anxiety levels

• Remember:

• You don't need to be super sociable
• Small bits of involvement are enough
• It's about staying connected without overwhelming yourself
• The anxiety will pass - it always does after events

Could you be autistic? Follow the guidance in the link below for a simplified Christmas & in the NY contact your GP for an assessment.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/christmas-resources

The National autistic society has lots of resources which will help you.

You need to realise when you start doing it - say STOP in your head and do something else - like go for a walk - or do something else absorbing.

I read in in self help book in 20s - realised I was doing this obsessing you mention and did the above - realise you are doing it take deep breath and say Stop and No not doing this do something to distract your brain.

No idea why happy events are a trigger - but there doesn't need to be a plan you dislike do something else entirely - no guests, no big meal - depends what the stress actually is. In New year book a GP appointment and see what if any help they can offer for your anxiety.

I’m autistic and can find the next few days very overwhelming. For me, it helps to have a schedule and to try to put as much downtime into the days as possible.

you aren’t going to get a lifetime worth of clarity in a few minutes, but just knowing that it’s ok to find these days stressful should help. When you start to feel that anxiety welling up, it’s ok to sit down and just take some time for yourself. If you have children it’s harder, but if you don’t, then definitely just stop. Make the decision to be a bit lazier, to sit down more often, and to even excuse yourself to another room when you need it.

I get this exact same feeling as part of my OCD - birthdays can be similar for me. Such a horrible feeling knowing that you should be able to snap out of it but feels so hard. Is there something that could distract you from spiralling (walk outside/something to watch on your phone)?

I’m in bed after a huge row with DP which only started due to my stress.

Are you possibly being a little harsh on yourself here? It takes two to have a row; you might have triggered it, but to escalate into a 'huge row' your DP must have played some part.

From experience - the best thing you can do is get yourself out of bed, even if it's only to lie on the sofa downstairs. If you stay in bed, the day is finished, but even a little thing like going downstairs can make it salvageable.

Apologise to your DP if you believe the row was your fault and get things back on the right track. You can do it! Small steps.