I am about to ruin Christmas again. Why? So sad

[Teiuu]

I have always had severe anxiety. I’m late 30s now. I’m in bed after a huge row with DP which only started due to my stress. I find happy occasions/occasions meant to be happy, very stressful. I don’t know why. It’s like I look for problems. Same with holidays birthdays etc. Why? I’m lying here telling myself I can make a decision right now to stop this but it’s so hard. I feel almost stuck in a pit of anxiety which I know will magically lift when the special occasion is over. Please help. :(

What was the row about ? If it was about how he's done absolutely zero to prepare for xmas then you have my sympathy.

But if you are just picking fights, or like you say, looking for problems, just to then sabotage what is meant to be good time, then its your other half i have sympathy for.

Neural pathway well established. Try to let yourself off the hook.

Did something similar happen in your home when you were growing up? Was a parent abusive or drunk around xmas? Did something bad happen around special occasions like a death or other significant event? The answer I'm sure will be in your past somewhere. Id seek therapy. Maybe someone specialising in internal family systems.

Op says it's the same around holidays and birthdays, so not just Xmas.

Would those banging on about the unfairness on other people and how these things aren't a free pass and how help is required for everyone else's sake please consider that the OP is aware or wouldn't have posted, and that re-inforcing your "tough love" message feeds further into their feelings of lack if self-worth.

Those of us in a similar boat want to help the OP (and ourselves i think in my case) to get through an immediate crisis, and tomorrow with enough confidence to seek help and address things moving forward. There is fear aplenty driving all this, and her own harsh judgement of herself. Give her a sodding break.

OP there are lots of post here that you may be able take notice of to address the immediate situation. Try and tune out the one's that sound like the gremlins in your own head, and focus on those from people who have been or are in your situation, and want to help guide you to a small safe harbour.

Once again, much love and best wishes ❤️ xxx

Download the Dare app - it saved my life this year!

My husband is like this, ruins every celebration. Either kicks off about something the day before to cause an argument or decides on the morning he isn't coming and we will like it or lump it. I can predict it now. If you say anything to him about it then he turns it around on me and how it's my problem etc etc.
If you are aware you are doing this in your relationship then you need to sort it out sharpish, be honest with your partner.
I'm planning on leaving mine as soon as I possibly can. I've had enough.

What was the 'huge row' actually about?
Who said what?
How did it escalate to become such a huge row?

I really recognise this. I have to cook for 10 people tomorrow and am in bed with a stress induced migraine. This year had been horrible for several reasons and I have anxiety for the first time in my life.

The house is still a tip and I wanted Christmas to be perfect this year!! 😪

This is brilliant thank you for sharing this.

I have anxiety, PTSD and my OH is autistic. We get through it by being super organised. We have food shopped until we go back to work Jan 6th. Everything is prepped for tomorrow and we are now in limbo. But we speak to each other. I had a long shower and blew dry my hair, he had decided to do a wash ( nothing needed doing) for something to do and he is now mowing the lawn cos he can't sit still, ADHD. I have ADD and could sit still for hours ( and do ) crosswords, tiktok etc. you need to talk and each spell out what you need. We've got lists and menus written out till Jan Too so we both know what we should be doing when. If we didn't I would be in bed all day every day and he would eat chocolate and cheese and KFC. And that would be ok too. Just talk to each other and let the other know what you need.

Who said it was?

Doesn't mean your post was helpful.

This used to happen with me. I was diagnosed with PTSD, not related to Christmas, but occasions used to make me freeze. For days before I would literally freeze with anxiety, and want to be on my own.
Thankfully with some theory and EMDR I am much better.
Some things that might help now:
Step 1 - think of a time in your life when you were happy, even if it was only fleeting. Playback all the memories you can conjure up - people, sounds, tastes, smells any detail you can think of. And describe all of it in your mind as much as you can remember.
Step 2 - get up and get out of the room you are in. Make yourself. Put on a song you really love and even if you don’t feel like it, move. Move to it and sing along to it.
Step 3 - sit down, take a deep breath, and stroke your arms with the opposing arm, like you are hugging yourself.
All of these steps help with sensory overload and bring stuck.
I felt myself freeze the other day from a singular comment and I felt like going into our guest room and hiding.
But it’s not fair on me or people I love, so I did all of the above, on repeat and apologised to the neighbours.
It is sitting in it on your own which makes it so much worse.
Reminisce, move and give yourself a hug!

I couldn't cope with that - frankly not keen on any visitors and cooking - luckily DH does it when his parents are here and does Christmas dinner - which is us and kids - which this year we've gone for as much prepared as possible.

So really don't blame you for being stressed at all and ending up in bed. Hope next year is better for you.

I used to have a mum friend who volunteering to do so much and then get so stressed out she ended up resentful and stressed out and snappy- her DH had to disengaged and shrug it off to cope - he gave me a copy of games people play - as he said he found it helpful and it was for my extended family game playing - just not playing along was game changing.

He couldn't change her behavior - thought they emigrated so that may have helped with their extended family and friends situation - but could see the pattern and not going along with it did reduce his stress. With my family it stopped it - not getting the response they expected stopped the whole pattern.

Did you have multiple Christmases/birthdays/holidays ruined by someone spoiling them? The OP isn't even mentioning how she's ruining things for anyone apart from herself. So I'm more than happy to stick up for her friends/children/family/DH who don't have a choice in this. Only the OP can access treatment.

Everyone who just validates the OP without thinking of those around her is giving her a free pass.

Yes. Yes I have thank you. Funny how patterns repeat themselves isn't it? OP wants to break that pattern but is currently in a state of crisis and needs help to get out of that for her sake and everyone else's. As do most of us struggling in a similar way.

I agree, stop giving yourself a hard time. It is what it is. However, you can choose to tailor your Christmases and other occasions to something you can cope with. Maybe thing of an adjustment you can make tonight to try and make the next day or so bearable.

Well done you ❤️

We all have our faults but it’s how we deal with them that’s the most important thing.

If someone is doing something that upsets their loved one then they need to get help and do things to limit the impact on their partner.

If I was OP I would be honest and make a plan so that her DH takes himself (and the kids if there are any) to go and spend the day with his family instead.

They can have a second low level Xmas on a different day.

If my partner wasn’t doing anything to help themselves and instead was just ruining my experiences, then I would leave.

Not for me. Still experience the trauma but makes me determined not to foist it on anyone else in my life.

That's very admirable of course. For some of us it's not so easy and the way to hell is paved with good intentions.

Please book counselling, see your GP, order some books, do everything you need to, to make this better, because your behaviour is not ok, your poor Dh.

your behaviour is not ok, your poor Dh

not very helpful.

I completely agree.
This can’t go on.

She is lucky that her DH hasn’t left her yet and if she wants to save the relationship then she needs to go and apologise and do whatever she can to help herself.