I am about to ruin Christmas again. Why? So sad

[Teiuu]

I have always had severe anxiety. I’m late 30s now. I’m in bed after a huge row with DP which only started due to my stress. I find happy occasions/occasions meant to be happy, very stressful. I don’t know why. It’s like I look for problems. Same with holidays birthdays etc. Why? I’m lying here telling myself I can make a decision right now to stop this but it’s so hard. I feel almost stuck in a pit of anxiety which I know will magically lift when the special occasion is over. Please help. :(

@oakleaffy and @Hesonlyakidharry I asked the same question in the other thread. It’s fascinating! And more than a little hypocritical

If your anxiety is ruining your enjoyment of life, and affecting your relationships, you likely need some meds. Sertraline is life-changing. Hope the rest of your holiday goes smoothly op x

Autistic? Change of routine?

Your poor partner. Can't imagine having to live like that. No doubt he won't for long.

@Hesonlyakidharry it’s called mumsnet, not dadsnet. As such, it’s very obviously focused towards women. Her partner is welcome to post elsewhere about how he feels about all of this, but he’s not OP so jog on.

Enjoy your Christmas instead of trying to stir up a gender war.

Telling someone how sensitive and wonderful they are when they’ve admitted to ruining every special occasion for their partner is neither helpful nor supportive. It’s especially bad when the exact opposite would be said if she were a man.

Again, you’re trying to make this a gender thing. Move on.

I agree. Sat here with my mother who is yet again ruining christmas die to her anxiety and depression. Please do something to address this, it is ruinously hard on families.

The question of accountability is an interesting one. @Teiuu I think that you can take from it what is helpful in the moment and work on the rest later. I think that everyone lets other people down. What matters after that is a genuine attempt to repair. If you haven't attempted a repair, where you say sorry and hear how others are feeling, without turning it back into being about you, that's a positive step you can take. As is planning and committing to taking more long term steps to address it (therapy, speak to GP etc.). My Dad was explosive and regularly kicked off when things didn't go to plan as a child. He never apologised in a way that was about us, it was still about him and how terrible he felt. I would have loved him to acknowledge how things were for us.

Good God, the poor OP. Nobody is ruining anything. Each person is responsible for himself or herself.

Apologise to DH and tell him what you have told us?
Now the day is already ruined, it can only get better from here?

This is not true. My mother is sat on the couch crying, threatening self harm, moaning etc. I should carry on and pull crackers? When you have years of it as a relative it is very wearing indeed

Oh Bullshit. You try enjoying Christmas with your SO picking fights or storming off or sulking.

How are you feeling now?

I can understand this. I get it too but not to your extent. It is difficult to explain.

The way I manage it is not to over complicate things and not agree to too much. Over the last couple of years I've realised that my standards are incredibly high. I'm always striving for perfect when the vast majority of people will be happy with average.

The other day I was feeling overwhelmed so I just told myself I didn't have to do everything. I just needed to concentrate on the most important thing and get that that done. I then needed to do the next most important thing. I actually got quite a bit done in the end.

Well I have managed? Totally dial down any expectations, don't invite outside family in. If another family member is struggling, leave them to it?

I was thinking that. My husband ruins all special occasions by causing rows in the morning or on our way to birthday parties/Christmas etc no matter what. It's so predictable. The only way I cope is to avoid him as much as possible on these days. I don't think he can help it per se but he could definitely do more to actively work on his generalised stress management techniques. Instead he bottles it all up then explodes.

Having a lovely day today because we celebrated with him yesterday and today are with my family. Have got my children down for a nap and will be having a glass of bubbly soon.

If it's your spouse do you genuinely feel you enjoy the day if they're huffing in another room and you're alone?! I guess yeah you've managed but low bar!

I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through similar ❤️

I think it’s a great idea to avoid him and celebrate away from him today.
Well done you for limiting the damage to your kids.

Enjoy your glass of bubbly 😁

What about the children?

Do they have to also have a dialled Xmas with no outside family?

It’s always a gender thing on this forum. The double standards are breathtaking and this thread epitomises it. Men are ripped apart when their behaviour ruins special occasions. The OP admits that she ruins every occasion for her poor partner. But…. look at the responses falling over themselves to support her. It’s her partner who needs comforting. And she needs telling, not coddling.

The partner isn’t here to be comforted, what do you want? Everyone sending him good vibes?

OP is obviously struggling with her mental health and at least aware of it. She needs to get help and get herself sorted, but you just want her to be bashed lol. Move on.

And what are ou doing about this? You need to develop some mental discipline and stop spoiling happy occasions for everyone else. Get therapy. Your attitude is very self-centred.

Yes, I have a tiny family and they are unpleasant. So yes.

low but tolerable. I read some stuff abotu high bar and it's not pretty.

If a man was posting on here because he knew he was doing this and knew that it was ruining occasions for everyone else and he didn't want to keep ruining it for everyone else then he wouldn't get ripped apart either because it shows some self awareness and that he is after some advice because HE KNOWS HE IS RUINING SPECIAL OCCASIONS FOR EVERYONE ELSE AND HE KNOWS ITS NOT GOOD.
If a man came on here posting about his wife who is ruining everything then he would be told to leave her. It's not double standards