I am about to ruin Christmas again. Why? So sad

[Teiuu]

I have always had severe anxiety. I’m late 30s now. I’m in bed after a huge row with DP which only started due to my stress. I find happy occasions/occasions meant to be happy, very stressful. I don’t know why. It’s like I look for problems. Same with holidays birthdays etc. Why? I’m lying here telling myself I can make a decision right now to stop this but it’s so hard. I feel almost stuck in a pit of anxiety which I know will magically lift when the special occasion is over. Please help. :(

Decide on a little reward for yourself to be given tomorrow at 8 pm. Then look forward to it the time will pass as it always does.

I struggle with feeling happy and would stop the feeling rather than just enjoy it. I now know why I do it and am making an effort to enjoy it rather than run away from it.

Rubbish cliche. It doesn't hurt to try and is obviously better than giving up without exhausting all options and just claiming 'MH'. Also why do you assume it's been easy. It's been far from that.

There needs to be balance. Yes, OP needs to figure out how to manage her anxiety. Her family also needs to be willing to compromise and plan a special day she would actually enjoy just as much as them. People sometimes set up these arbitrary ideas for how a celebration should look, but there is no one right way to do Christmas.

@Teiuu What is so interesting here is that you were like this as a child .

A bit of “cod psychology” would be that you had a special occasion that was spoiled for some reason-
Maybe you hated being the centre of attention as everyone focussed on you at a birthday party?

As a kid if I looked forward to something very much, it could make me Ill on the day ( sick headache) so I began to dread special occasions in case I was sick or had a headache.

There is most likely a childhood reason for it.

Can you be more specific? What is it? Ive looked on the Play Store and nothing seems to be there

Look, you have your experience and opinion, I have mine and we have different points of view because, newsflash, no two people are alike.

Knowing what it feels like to be what I see as the family fuck up, often due to perfectly natural reactions to abnormal situations, and getting stuck in those loops myself, I wanted to encourage the OP to have some hope that she can break the patterns especially at a time of year which gives many people extra stress even if they're "normal" (whatever the fuck that means of course).

I'm genuinely glad for you that you can overcome your experiences, I'm making progress, and hopefully OP will follow in time having voiced her pain.

We are all products of experience, genetics, environment and we are all a work in progress.

And I defend my rights to a good cliche.

Merry Christmas 🎅

Guessing it’s this one

@fishyrumour I probably empathise with you - I make a joke about having nerve attacks , as does son, and laughing about it definitely helps.

We had to go on the channel tunnel and as the doors closed in I felt a terrible urge to scream and pull the emergency cord.

Son said “
Jeez Mum, you have gone red- oh look ! A fish has just swum past the window!

My nauseating panic 😱 eased almost immediately.

Son got over his fear of flying by joking about it.- and flying to NZ from U.K.

He used to almost vomit just discussing flying.

I hope you're getting help for your anxiety.
It's not just your occasions you're spoiling it's your partners too.

Excellent practical advice in the post above.

Its Christmas Eve, so you haven't ruined it yet.

You can sort out the rest of it all after Christmas.. but make a little plan of how you'd like yourself to be today and tomorrow and as a PP said, fake it til you make it.
Its hard to know without details what you are stressing about but everything can wait if it has to. We've had Christmases with gifts in carrier bags because we ran out of time to wrap them, before now. No one cared. they liked the gifts.

I admit I heave a huge sigh of relief after the Dinner has been rolled out successfully and the presents went down well.. But looking back, we've always got the food on the table (even with the odd disaster - really didn't matter in the end) and everyone something to unwrap. So I don't know why I worried so much in advance. It's easy to do, but you are aware of it now and thinking about it is the best way to start mending

it sounds like you ruin it for others too. It’s good you recognise it though as now you can seek counselling. But Christ it’s hard to be round people like you when you make these things about you in a totally unpleasant way. It sounds as though you have insight to your behaviour which is start now you need to act on it.

I really feel for you. I feel a bit jittery today (have health anxiety/generalised anxiety at times) and it is hard to find the off switch. I had a bath and washed my hair and then took myself for a short walk and breathed in lots of fresh air. It helped a bit. Could you find something distracting and non-Christmassy to do - rearrange your make-up bag/drawer, iron some clothes while watching a series on tv etc. Mundane stuff that'll refocus your mind. That is what I was advised to do in CBT.

I do this too OP. Christmas is the most stressful and anxiety-inducing time for SO many reasons, not all of which I can even articulate. I usually respond with PP's suggestion of either a text or out loud apology for my overreaction and say I'm having a rough time but working on it.
You've got this. Take the pressure off yourself, refer back to any anxiety coping strategies that have worked for you before. A hot shower? A glass of something? Gentle music?
I just want to say thank you as well. Remember that even at this moment when you feel so stressed and low and despairing, you have made a positive difference in other people's lives. You've made me feel less alone with my stress and anxiety and sadness and I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this thread has made them feel that. You are important. You are worthwhile. Things will get better.

I am exactly the same and I’ve just been diagnosed with ADHD (I also have OCD).
It’s changed my life for the better to suddenly understand why my brain works the way it does.
Please have a look at ADHD chatter on Instagram his latest post directed at partners of women with ADHD is extremely helpful. It may resonate with you.

May seem obvious but I would thoroughly look into possible help with this, therapy, maybe medication etc. There may be something out there to help you feel better generally or cope better with these occasions. Mental health is a real and often hidden, minimised, issue. It's not invalid as a person to experience these feelings.

Seek help and get yourself sorted.

My mother is like this and I don’t have a single memory of a happy holiday with her.

Of course we all have our own opinions. My OP was mine which others have disagreed with and my subsequent posts have been in response to others, including you, not wanting me to give it or rubbishing it.

I do want the OP to get out of this cycle but I disagree that validation/not challenging alone is not going to work given that she has been like this since she was 8 years old and from my own experience of people who are never challenged and who continue to repeat the negative behaviour. I wish you well in your mental health journey and Merry Christmas to you too.🎅

I call it "too scared to be happy" syndrome

Wow I could have written this
I've been in bed all day also after a huge row which was all of my doing
I don't know why I do this but it seems to be happening every 6 months for some reason
I've decided to contact my gp when they reopen as i really think I need some help

OP, have a look at the diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder and see if they describe some of what you are experiencing. It's difficult to tell accurately from your description, and I am not a practicing MH professional although I have some relevant training, but this seems that it might go beyond just anxiety. One of the key criteria for any disorder diagnosis is that it is "causing you problems with living", which certainly seems to apply here.

The good news is that if you realise the effect that your condition, whatever it is, is having on your life and that of others, you are in the position to start recovering. This puts you ahead of many others who will be ruining Christmas without realising it. That may not help much right now, but it's a big difference already. 🙏

Rather than just doing that, the OP should actively seek help for her anxiety as soon as possible. It is something that she has been aware of for years, after all. She has a partner who is being affected as well.

Oh, same here. Mummy issues, in my case.

What’s with all the sympathy? Double standards and misandry.

Women post on here every week about their husbands ruining birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions for anyone, Christmas, the list goes on. They behave the way the OP says she behaves and ruin it for everyone… and the responses? Their husbands gets ripped apart on here, and the poster is told to leave him or send him away for the day or take the kids and go to family for the day, leave the husband alone to behave as he pleases without affected anyone else.

But a woman posts, pretty much saying she is the husband who ruins special occasions and you all rally round with sympathy and hugs.

Where is the support for her partner putting up with this? The OP needs to sort herself out or remove herself from any special occasions and allow her partner to choose to spend it with people he can celebrate with.

It’s good that you are aware OP. I think there’s a lot to look at here and seeking advice or help can help understand this.

My DH is the same. The day or night before a birthday, anniversary, Christmas Day, when we expect visitors, when I’m looking forward to a work event or we have some time to spend together - suddenly he is upset and picks a fight (I’m not saying this your approach this is just my personal experience). I ride the wave and try to keep the peace. It does wear me down though. I think it depends if your partner is able/willing to get through it.