I am about to ruin Christmas again. Why? So sad

[Teiuu]

I have always had severe anxiety. I’m late 30s now. I’m in bed after a huge row with DP which only started due to my stress. I find happy occasions/occasions meant to be happy, very stressful. I don’t know why. It’s like I look for problems. Same with holidays birthdays etc. Why? I’m lying here telling myself I can make a decision right now to stop this but it’s so hard. I feel almost stuck in a pit of anxiety which I know will magically lift when the special occasion is over. Please help. :(

I'm the same op. I was diagnosed as autistic last year. It's the anxiety around change of routine and often overwhelm is a big part of it too.

What actually happened between you and your DH?

Here’s a link: https://www.dareresponse.com/dareapp/

It’s full of audios to help with anxiety and panic attacks.

You don't have the power to ruin anything OP. Sorry to be so harsh.
You are a nice, kind, sensitive person and it will be fine.

What happened ?

My other half does a similar thing, though more actively. Stress, panic, bad temper, blame sprayed all over the place and then, inevitably, "You know what - go without me! Just go! No one gives a fuck whether I'm there anyway!"

Eventually, we all go. But apparently it's necessary to have this bit first.

Thing is, my family care very much that the other half is there. They'd be mortified if we weren't all there on the doorstep.

There's something going on - and it stems from childhood, I'm sure - but I've never found out what it is.

What was your childhood like?

I’m not a fan of these occasions and that is largely due to them not being happy in childhood.

This reply tells me you have no understanding of extreme anxiety or OCD.

I know this might be a bit late for tomorrow, but for future special occasions, would it help you if you kept most of the day exactly like a normal day, but maybe with one little extra thing? So, Christmas would be like a normal Saturday or weekend day, just with a gift exchange or something small?

It's also okay to not want to celebrate special occasions.

What is it that triggers you? Different routine? Expectations? Socialising? Food? Gifts? You don't have to do those things if it doesn't work for you...

Like some other pp I am autistic btw and have OCD, it took me so long to understand why I often had this overwhelming crisis at Christmas.

That's where my advice about possibly keeping things to your usual routine come from. It can be awful when you don't know where these feelings come from.

I wonder if, once Christmas is over, it might be worth doing some gentle reflection to see if you can pinpoint what it is that triggers you, when you're in more of a comfortable place mentally?

Hope it goes okay tomorrow and don't put too much pressure on yourself

Op has been experiencing this since 8 years old. She's obviously not setting out to cause any trouble. There's something more going on here which OP needs help to manage.

And in the meantime, she needs to stop ruining these moments for everyone else.

Have you looked into Autism? I relate to this in a way and was always fobbed off with anxiety when I knew there was something deeper.

Clearly you've not been on the receiving end of this then because I have and it's ruined many occasions.

I can't say anything to help except to express my sympathy and to let you know that you are not alone.

I thought things were going well, but I was trying to get some things done in advance of dinner tomorrow and I'm convinced that I've scorched the caramelised onions and curdled the custard, and I feel like I've ruined everything with my mistakes and ruined even more by being upset about it.

I had a notification on my phone while I was ruining the custard and (without reading it) I was convinced it was a message from my OH telling me they were returning all my presents because I didn't deserve any. (It wasn't).

I'm tired of reacting in this way, but even with psychotherapy I'm still me and it's still a huge struggle.

It doesn't sound like OP is enjoying this experience, if she had the option not to go through this do you think she would be choosing to have a massive meltdown for every special occasion?

It's extremely hard to figure out how to manage your reactions to things if you don't know what is triggering you. This is why I've suggested quiet reflection at another time when things feel more safe.

I relate to this post as an autistic person with PTSD and OCD, the only difference is I experience shutdowns rather than my discomfort being obvious. It's extremely distressing to experience this and not no why.

It doesn't take much to have some empathy for someone who is struggling at Christmas and has been since childhood.

What therapy have you had to help you deal with this and what was the outcome?

What exactly was the row about?

So why is OP getting all this understanding when women come on here and post about their husband’s ruining every special occasion with this exact behaviour and they are told to leave the bastard and he is ripped apart?

That's so interesting.
I can get like this at times where I have wanted the occasion to be perfect then a little thing goes wrong I'm convinced it's been totally spoilt.
I have suspected I'm autistic.

@Hesonlyakidharry some posters have chosen to offer support and empathy to the OP regardless of who is / is not "at fault". From my POV that's is a constructive, kind and helpful approach.

Yours sounds more like kicking someone when they are down and writing them off.

@Hesonlyakidharry
We don't actually know what happened today except OP has argued with her partner and says this was triggered by stress and anxiety, which comes up at every special occasion. We don't actually know if OP's partner feels OP has ruined Christmas.

If an OP (male or female) notices that they are significantly triggered around special occasions and aren't sure why, and are upset and feel they ruin occasions for others and don't know where the meltdown comes from, it's literally better for everyone in that situation if the OP is supported to understand and figure out what is going on for them so they can manage special occasions according to their needs in future.

I’m very similar to you op. I feel like I lash out each Christmas and ruin it for everyone because I cannot deal with my emotions.

I was in a severely abusive relationship for years where my abuser ruined all occasions for me. So things like Christmas I just associate with negativity, trauma, anxiety and ptsd. The more I try to be happy, the more I’m miserable and I get stressed.

Mumsnet is a strange place.

Would it be an option to take yourself off when happy occasions arise? Surely anything is better than the unhealthy guilt cycle, and it can't be a walk in the park for your husband either. Either that, or just keep it very low key.
I wish you well. It can't be easy

The difference is in who is asking for support. Arguably if men who had meltdowns at Christmas since they were boys reached out for help and were supported to manage those triggers that would also be better for everyone. If a partner reaches out for support that's a different question altogether as partners can't change the behaviours of others, only the person experiencing the meltdown or anxiety attach can do that work.