I am about to ruin Christmas again. Why? So sad

[Teiuu]

I have always had severe anxiety. I’m late 30s now. I’m in bed after a huge row with DP which only started due to my stress. I find happy occasions/occasions meant to be happy, very stressful. I don’t know why. It’s like I look for problems. Same with holidays birthdays etc. Why? I’m lying here telling myself I can make a decision right now to stop this but it’s so hard. I feel almost stuck in a pit of anxiety which I know will magically lift when the special occasion is over. Please help. :(

Sorry but you're not just ruining things for you. It's not fair to ruin things for everyone else. I've known a couple of people like you and they ruin every joyous occasion.

We all get stressed and overwhelmed. I've got a party I have to go to and I'm practically in tears cos I just want to stay at home. But you know what? I'm going to plaster a smile on. Put on some slap. And spread some good cheer.

I know exactly how you feel. Celebrations and I use the term loosely, are miserable and exceptionally stressful. I've been been counting down the hours until it's over and keeping out of everyone's way.

I wish I had the answer but I do understand completely.

Can’t believe some of the posters who are being so unsympathetic! It’s hard @Teiuu , I get it too. Build in lots of downtime, have a kind of schedule, escape to the loo when you need to 🤣

Re read your title OP, I think its gives insight into your state of mind. You are not ruining Christmas, perhaps putting a damper on it but claiming you always ruin things is over dramatic. Like black and white thinking, if its not perfect it's awful. Most things are in the middle. Apologise to Dh and try to move on today, you didn't ruin it and it's going to be fine.

Sending sympathy OP.

Can I ask if something happened when you were 8 that has triggered this? I only ask because I know for myself that vastly different, but profoundly negative things that happened around Christmas in particular both in my childhood and as an adult have left me with heightened anxiety around it too.

I try to tell myself that these things are in the past, and highly unlikely to be repeated, but I have to force myself to "keep calm and carry on" with variable degrees of success. I also live with a sense of "not being allowed nice things" and will subconsciously self sabotage to give a completely skewed feeling of control - it's almost as though it's going to "go wrong" anyway, so engineering it is preferable to being blindsided - of course there's no guarantee something bad will happen, so it's a version if psychological self-harm.

Please try and be kind to yourself. You have articulated your feelings and want to change - you are already a step forward. Keep taking small steps. If you trip and fall, because our minds can be treacherous, pick yourself up, take stock, give yourself a hug and keep following the path.

I wish you all the very best, and an unMumsnetty hug from someone who gets it xxxx

@fishyrumour that's pretty harsh. There are some people who find things hard through anxiety and some who are just dramatic. You never know the state of the person you are talking to on line so be kind or say nothing. You may have meant it positively. My brain doesn't take it that way.

My ADHD brain does this to me. I want everything to be perfect and it's not but it's taken many years of tears for me deal with it.

You're not about to ruin Christmas. Do three small positive things right now and I hope you feel better,

@fishyrumour Congratulations, out of all the infinite possibilities you managed to find the absolute worst thing to say.

OP, as a lifelong anxiety sufferer of the exact same kind (free-floating generalised anxiety which will hook itself onto whatever it can find) I can say that while therapy might help tweak around the edges, the only thing that actually works for me is medication. The right one can be like a miracle. Unfortunately "the right one" can be a moving target and might elude you for decades. But it's worth the search.

Is it you way of dealing with the stress of big occasions? You worry they won't meet your expectations or someone will let you down, so the easiest thing to do is scupper the occasion. A form of self preservation?

I seem to have got like this with going on holidays, to the point where I actually get physically ill for the holiday from all the stressing. Just go easy on yourself defiantly try to do what you can but don’t blame yourself for the things you can’t do, I will find this next week enjoyable but also incredibly! hard at times (anxiety) ur not alone xx

Sending you a hug OP! I'm pretty much in the exact same position as you right this second.

I'm also trying to tell myself I CAN DO IT, go downstairs and put on a smile. Like you, I feel as if I look for problems and ruin occasions like this.

How about we report back on how it went? I'm currently draped in a towel crying on the bed, but I'm about to get dressed and give it a go...

strangers in solidarity? 😜

I have sympathy with anxiety disorders, I understand that they can be exceptionally difficult to control.

What I have no sympathy with is “It’s genuinely ruined so many things for me”. What about everyone else? Can you see the impact you have on others and have some self-awareness? Do you not understand that your DP also dreads happy occasions because he just knows you’re going to ruin every single one?

You must take responsibility for yourself. Stop letting victimhood rule your life and the life of others around you. Yes, feel some guilt. Take responsibility for yourself.

Go and apologise. Even if you don’t want to, just get up, walk over to him, even if you’re crying and look like shit and don’t mean it, open your mouth and say “I’m sorry for saying what I said. I hate that I did, I hate the way I feel, I hate the way I’ve ruined things for everyone and I’m really sorry. Can we start again please?” and force yourself to put your arms around him and each of your D.C. Just do it. Even if you don’t mean it. The very act of it will mean so, so much to them. You’d be making an effort and that will go a long way. They will give you a lot of leeway. It WILL help. Then, just fake it until everyone’s moved on. Bite your tongue, keep your thoughts to yourself. Take some time alone. Absent yourself if you need to. Just make yourself do it. Go through the motions. Pick up the pieces on Thursday. Start afresh.

Yes, probably the man’s fault.

It's anxiety luv. There is nothing wrong with you. This is the illness. Its a very well known and valid symtom. In some sort of form change, an event or occasion or even happening outside your normal "safe" zone. Even if your safe zone is a living hell!
You're poorly. Just like with a heart condition-chest arithmia, or depression and mood inbalance or huge sadness from seemingly no where, or even cancer ajd it tumpurs. A symtom of your anxiety can be this exact feeling.
So try to take away from blaming or hating.
The sad ignorancs(often not unkind just too much stigma and unknown or willingness to know) means others dknt get it. Or understand that this is anxiety in all it's forms. And it's not always something you can stop even with the best of techniques.

It's overwhelmed. It's uncertainty. It's change. It's being outside your safe place or routines. It's what ifs about something or anything. It's questioning. Or too.much.brain.ache.on.top.of your already full anxiety head.
So it's not your doing this everytime to ruin things. your anxiety understandably gets worse or heightened when there is significant times or moments of "larger brain space taking".

There still might be enoguh you can do though. With the right heads pace,love and support you can get through it. Possibly. But sometimes luvvie you actually can't
And it's horrific because it as an illness can steal so much from the sufferer. And this is pain yes for other but actually it's pain for the sufferer. Every time imagine every single moment in life being taken from you. And for that I'm truly sorry.
From the outside it's too easy to judge,assume or misunderstand.
But some do. And you need to understand it yourself and not bla.e yourself for having an illness of the mind that can scupper life plans.
But I promise there are ways today can happen. But it starts with zero blame or thinking your caus9ng or doing this by something .purposeful . your ill. So what comes next is compassion and tools to see if this is a battle and wave you can cross. Whcih you can. Honestly you can. With enough care, thatbrain of yours can be helped through it. It'll be anxiety inducing at times. But it can be worth it. 😊

Do you say this so flippantly about other illness. Cancer,heart attacks etc...what are they ruining for others? What is that Illness sufferer doing to others by being so ill, weak,sick, or other symptomatic moments?

OP I completely relate to this, if you're anything like me it's self sabotage, you're used to/expecting something bad to happen so you create something instead to try and regain control over your emotions and the situation. I've had to have some level of therapy to try to manage this behaviour. I really would hate for you both to have Christmas ruined, if you're struggling to face your partner could you text him along the lines of, "I'm sorry I'm doing this, I really want to work on myself and I don't want to ruin this time, can I come down and make you a coffee and we can have a chat about what we'd like to do tomorrow?" It might just help break the ice a bit first and then go down, apologise, have a hug and move on. But please do get help for this, I really believe it's impossible to find real happiness while you're experiencing these anxiety episodes. I'm speaking from experience there, wishing you well x

I've put YANBU because you identify that this is an issue. And Christmas is very stressful.
I get like this too and was recently diagnosed with ADHD causing severe anxiety. I would suggest talking to your GP about your anxiety.
You will be unreasonable if you don't take any action to change this pattern.

It's just not an excuse to ruin things for everyone. Being anxious/overwhelmed isn't a free pass.

Beware anxiety - it may cause a condition that is worse - PPPD - which is virtually constant dizziness, lack of balance, light headedness, vertigo etc. The one thing people with it have in common is anxiety and there is very little medical help.

I understand. I have a lot of anxiety around Christmas and going on holiday. I’m basically scared of things that I look forward to because I’m scared that something will go wrong (and I have bad luck so it often does). It’s got worse over the years to the point that it’s really debilitating now. It lifts as soon as the occasion is over or at the very least half way through without mishap. It’s been so bad this year that I know I need some hypnotherapy or something for it as I can’t cope with it any more. You are not alone in this.

So what are you doing to help? What coping techniques I mean? I think if I were partnered with someone who didn’t even try to help themselves, I couldn’t stay.

Are you on any medication?

Hello. Not to internet diagnose you but have you ever looked at OCD? Many people think it must be cleaning / hand washing/ physical acts to count .. but if you are obsessing about something, performing compulsions (even if that compulsion is to just think about it relentlessly, but can be checking, googling etc), are asking for reassurance, getting a little bit of relief and then it starts again.. it may be ocd. Knowing for me it was OCD and not anxiety helped me so much. I could obsess about something for weeks and then suddenly it would change to something else. Often events from years ago or something I felt 'responsible' for It has a different treatment called ERP, lots of helpful workbooks on Amazon etc etc. Anyway, have a look at OCD / pure OCD. (Again not saying you have it just a thought from the little you've said!) Either way, so sorry you feel like this, it's horrendous when you're in it. There is another side xx

I have been a burden onto my DH and DC through illness. Acute and chronic. My first, sometimes second thought was ALWAYS for the impact my incapacity had on others. I felt like shit. Absolutely shit for dragging them down with me.

Perhaps you too can benefit from some self-awareness. You’re not the only one. Your illness impacts others. Nothing to do with fault or blame, everything to do with responsibility.

And there’s no need to be nasty.

You sound like my DD who is autistic and has OCD, special occasions are just too much pressure and are very hard to navigate for her. If you can just try to keep everything as low key as possible it may help, but it is really difficult when other people have expectations.

If this was the first year that OP experienced this, then I would feel more sympathetic but OP is fully aware that this happens and is still continuing to let it happen.

I’m not saying she can flick a switch and turn it off but I’m sure there are techniques she can use.
One being not involved in the celebrations and removing herself so her partner can enjoy it with the kids/family.

My sisters husband is like this and every Christmas and birthday he ruins by starting an argument and then shutting himself in the bedroom.
Everyone ends up walking on egg shells and no one can have too much fun, out of worry it might set him off.

I’m sure like OP he has anxiety but it is still not ok and I struggle to find sympathy for him when it ruins my sisters Christmas.