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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH having a rant at me

317 replies

Bettib00 · 24/12/2024 08:51

My car was in the garage and my parents' car was in front of the garage so we took my husband's car to go shopping.

My husband's car takes a while to heat up, as it's an older car (15 reg), whilst my car heats up quickly.

Whilst in the car I twice mentioned it was cold and I also expressed concern that the car is probably cold when he drops our children off at school in the morning.

He turned up the heat but I mentioned my feet were still cold. He shook his head and went on a nasty rant about how I have to complain about something every day to him, and he didn't want to listen to me anymore. He proceed to recounted everything I had complained about that was which was a complete exaggeration.

I have hyperthyroidism and a whole host of other problems and I an ND. I was really upset at DH comments. We didn't speak yesterday or today. He will apologise but I don't want to forgive him. He is always belittling me and my feelings.
Shouslnt your husband listen, just listen, without exceptation.

OP posts:
Trumptonagain · 24/12/2024 10:20

You pecking at his head everyday...poor bloke. UABVU.

Pancakeflipper · 24/12/2024 10:21

Your children will survive being a cold car in a morning.

I get his frustration.

Tagyoureit · 24/12/2024 10:21

Stop moaning so much then!

What was to be gained from repeating yourself constantly?

No wonder he ranted, I would have too!

Butchyrestingface · 24/12/2024 10:21

If anything, @Bettib00 , I think it's YOU who should have been sympathetic towards HIM. By the sounds of it, you have a newer, warmer model of car. He has to drive around in what is - according to you - an ice box on wheels all the time.

The fact that you were unaware of this until just now suggests that he doesn't spend his time squealing like a stuck 🐖 about it.

Did you commiserate with him?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 24/12/2024 10:21

If you were cold why didn't you adjust the heating, if your feet were cold why didn't you adjust the direction of the blowers?

Sounds like he's pissed off with your moaning.

I think you need to apologise.

AdviceNeeded2024 · 24/12/2024 10:23

If you are so bothered about the kids being cold on the school run (which is frankly ridiculous, unless you live in deepest Russia or something) why don’t you take them in your car instead of whinging at him about it?

You sound like a bit of a nag/whinger and he probably feels he can’t do anything right. Why don’t you chill out a bit (excuse the pun 😜)

thechampselysee · 24/12/2024 10:23

my car is this old and to starting throwing out icy air. The garage flushed the heating system out, it was full of debris and rust and now it's as good as new. I suggest your husband does this.
As to the rest of it, it does seem you are being unreasonable but if this is a pattern, maybe the two of you need to talk about what is causing these over reactions between you both.

Alarae · 24/12/2024 10:24

To put it frankly, what did you expect him to do? His car takes a while to warm up, so you repeatedly saying you were cold is just moaning? A comment is once; to repeat it again when nothing can be done about it is just being a downer.

My husband does things like that and I can tell you over time, as it is probably likely this is not a one off, it is just draining. It got to the point where I told him to stop being a negative drain on my life or I would leave him as I can't be around someone who literally takes the joy from me with all the negative comments.

Perhaps it was the verbal slap he needed, and now he's much better. Sure, the odd comment slips out but it's fine if it's a once in a while thing as that's natural. But a lot of the time? It's hard to live with.

Now I put my hands up and I might be taking my assumptions too far and perhaps your husband snapped due to other reasons and it wasn't fair on you. If my situation feels close to home though, perhaps you need to reevaluate that your 'comments' might actually be perceived as 'moans/whines' to others.

janfebmar87 · 24/12/2024 10:24

It's really hard to be round a negative complaining person. Every has an off day but some people just complain all the time, it's really hard to be round.

Just make an effort to be positive.

DelphiniumBlue · 24/12/2024 10:25

1st world problems. Too cold in the car because it takes too long to heat up? This is such a teeny non-issue. You k know ow what his car is like, wrap up if you need to.
A quick passing comment “ ooh it’s chilly this morning “ is one thing, moaning on about it just makes the recipient of your complaints miserable.
Why should your DH have to put up it?

IkeaJesusChrist · 24/12/2024 10:26

Christ I'd have made you walk.

supersop60 · 24/12/2024 10:28

MrsWhites · 24/12/2024 09:23

Is anyone else thinking that a 15 reg car isn’t that old?

The OP and others on here are acting like he’s still driving a Ford Escort from the 90’s!

Quite.
My car is 10 years older than this. Takes about 5-10 minutes for the heater to start working.
I'm not sure what response OP was expecting -
I'm cold - oh I'm sorry about that, I've put the heater on.
I'm still cold - oh dear.
My feet are cold - I'm doing my best
I bet the kids are cold in the mornings - yes, I'm a terrible father.
OP - YOU need to apologise.

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 24/12/2024 10:30

Shouslnt your husband listen, just listen, without exceptation.

Umm, what???

So you’re saying you should be able to whinge at him, as much as you feel like whinging, and he should just take it?

No, op. No he shouldn’t. That is not your role, right or privilege in a relationship.

He's trying to tell you that your constant whinging is getting him down, but instead of listening to what he’s trying to tell you, you’re attempting to make him look like an emotional abuser with comments like “He is always belittling me and my feelings”.

Listen to him op. Listen to what he’s telling you. Can you just for a second put yourself in his shoes? You’ve just freely admitted to moaning 4 times during the time it takes his car to heat up.
I’d have got out and left you in there by yourself

Gettingbysomehow · 24/12/2024 10:30

It very much depends. My friend who has long covid and uses me as a sounding board for every I'll in her life has Nnoyed me to such an extent I literally can't see her any more. She is ND.
I have plenty of problems of my own I don't bang on about to anyone.
It can get extremely wearing after a while.

CrispieCake · 24/12/2024 10:31

There's no point complaining about things if they can't be changed.

Have you offered to buy him a new car for Christmas?

magicalmrmistoffelees · 24/12/2024 10:32

Your moaning would have annoyed me too. What was he actually supposed to do? He couldn’t warm the car up any quicker.

biscuitsandbooks · 24/12/2024 10:33

What was the purpose of you commenting and moaning? He can't make his car heat up any faster.

As for the comments about the kids being cold on their way to school - honestly, get a grip of yourself. All cars are cold in the mornings.

Porcuporpoise · 24/12/2024 10:33

Butchyrestingface · 24/12/2024 10:21

If anything, @Bettib00 , I think it's YOU who should have been sympathetic towards HIM. By the sounds of it, you have a newer, warmer model of car. He has to drive around in what is - according to you - an ice box on wheels all the time.

The fact that you were unaware of this until just now suggests that he doesn't spend his time squealing like a stuck 🐖 about it.

Did you commiserate with him?

This really.

BarbadosItsCloserThanYouThink · 24/12/2024 10:37

Your complaint was pretty pointless Op, his car is cold because it's older no one can change that. Your kids will survive! Some kids walk to school in the cold and cope!
I imagine he is frustrated by a complaint about something he can't do anything about.

Wonderi · 24/12/2024 10:38

If my DH acted like you did then I too would have lost it with him.

He would have been cold too.
Why did you repeat it and why did you bring up the kids?

Maybe you should swap cars when he’s taking the kids to school, if you are so concerned about them being cold.

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 24/12/2024 10:39

Taking an aside from the argument, have you thought of getting a heated body warmer / gilet they are really cheap on Amazon and work really well. They work off a usb battery pack in the pocket.

I have hyperthyroidism and cold is one of my symptoms when under medicated. The heated layer makes the world of difference. Wear it under your coat and switch it on when you're a bit chilly and soon you'll feel like you're sitting in the sunshine

Well worth it in my view, great for outside but also indoors if you don't want to put the heating on and no one else is chilly

If could prevent these niggles in the future

Jostuki · 24/12/2024 10:45

Christ! No one likes a whinge-bag! Poor bloke.

Isometimeswonder · 24/12/2024 10:46

Kids get cold. Won't kill them.
They'll be colder in the playground at playtime... and they won't notice

Original poster
Bettib00 · 24/12/2024 10:46

Trumptonagain · 24/12/2024 10:20

You pecking at his head everyday...poor bloke. UABVU.

No, I'm not. He is my husband, I would everything for him if he was ill and bedridden. I wouldn't hesitate for a second but I am feeling unwell or upset about something then surely he should be there for me. Just like I am for him.

OP posts:
jessiejaney · 24/12/2024 10:46

Bettib00 · 24/12/2024 08:51

My car was in the garage and my parents' car was in front of the garage so we took my husband's car to go shopping.

My husband's car takes a while to heat up, as it's an older car (15 reg), whilst my car heats up quickly.

Whilst in the car I twice mentioned it was cold and I also expressed concern that the car is probably cold when he drops our children off at school in the morning.

He turned up the heat but I mentioned my feet were still cold. He shook his head and went on a nasty rant about how I have to complain about something every day to him, and he didn't want to listen to me anymore. He proceed to recounted everything I had complained about that was which was a complete exaggeration.

I have hyperthyroidism and a whole host of other problems and I an ND. I was really upset at DH comments. We didn't speak yesterday or today. He will apologise but I don't want to forgive him. He is always belittling me and my feelings.
Shouslnt your husband listen, just listen, without exceptation.

If it is cold, double your socks, use layers, hat, gloves etc etc

And to and from the shops or a school run is just a few minutes, nobody is going to freeze to death

How do you think people standing in bus stops waiting for the bus survive?

The only problem I see here is that your H has been holding his feelings for a long time and now it exploded - humans do that - I guess if he mentioned before now you would play the victm

DISCLAIMER - my teen daughter is autistic and has severe MH issues - sometimes this fact is a reason for something, sometimes can be used as excuses - just saying…