Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

[mariannnnaa]

We’ve got secondary infertility, and our toddler is our only child right now. Because both sets of parents live far away from us and each other, we take turns spending Christmas with them, staying about a week each time. This year, it’s my in-laws’ turn.

The issue is my MIL. She’s desperate to be a grandma again and has always been pushy about it. When I was pregnant with my toddler, she was annoyed we waited until 10 weeks to tell her (instead of immediately). DH and I held off because we knew that, if something went wrong, she’d be the least supportive person. She has no filter and often says things that are thoughtless or hurtful.

We’re currently doing IVF, but the in-laws don’t know. MIL would make it so much worse with her comments. She’s already said things to DH’s cousin like, “When are you finally going to get pregnant?” when they were having IVF, and when she heard about their miscarriage, her reaction was, “Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

Whenever we visit, she won’t stop with the constant “jokey” questions. She’ll say things like, “Can I offer you some wine? Hahaha!” Or if we’re discussing lunch places, it’s, “Sushi? Marianna, SUSHI? What do you think?” with a smug little laugh. If I’m not hungry, it’s, “Ooh, not much appetite? Ginger helped me every time I was, you know, a little queasy…” It’s relentless.

Today, we went to a fair, and just before I got on a ride with my toddler, she pointed to a sign about pregnant women avoiding it and asked, “You’re still going on?” When I nodded, she added, “Guess no grandchild by summer, then!”

DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

Honestly, I’ve had enough. As soon as my toddler wakes up from their nap, I want to leave. I can’t face another sly remark, like, “Want some ice cream? Don’t worry, it’s pasteurised!” I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas. I’d rather spend it alone with my child than pretend I’m fine while trying not to cry every five minutes.

Yep. She's been told, and not only is she still doing it, she's doing it gleefully. She won't stop because she enjoys it. So the only thing to do is take yourself away from her and not invite her to your home.
She should be told that she's well on the way to being cut off completely and never seeing her grandchildren at all.

Jeez, she sounds like my MIL, not called Denise is she?
I had to endure the same for 12 YEARS! because we hadn't given her grandchildren. She didn't know we were trying and nothing happening, we had 4 rounds of ivf and now have a little boy, who she's never seen after a comment sent me over the edge and we went no contact.

Dont go this Christmas, spend the day with your DH and toddler, she sounds unbearable!

My family member was 59 at this point. Early, but it happens. Of course if MiL has always been like this then she’s just very self centered and a nasty witch. Which sounds more likely. But I’d deffo be tempted with the pretence that ‘we ‘ had made a docs apt as she keeps parroting the same stuff after being asked to stop.

I quite like the references to asking if she has her will and funeral plan sorted out too. Hold up a mirror to MiL and see if she thinks that’s funny.

Selfish Cow.

I'd pre-empt by saying literally on greeting 'Before you start your banter, I'm not pregnant nor will be by the time I leave so let's leave it our while I'm here please'

MiL wasn’t sympathetic about the other loss in the family and just moaned she wouldn’t have a baby cuddles in autumn. So I can see why OP really doesn’t want to tell her.

Honestly I'd be tempted to say "change the fucking record will you?"

It's the snarky glee in her comments that would be the last straw.

Plus she sees you as nothing more than a brood mare.

Enough is enough.

I think it is enough for DH to say- Mum. I have asked you and asked you not to make these remarks. You may think it is cute and funny but we don't. This is your last warning - next time you make one of these comments we will be leaving. And mean it - leave if she says anything. She will soon learn.

DH needs to have a serious word with his mum

Sounds like he already has done, @Roselilly36, and it's not worked since the only response is "Oooo I'm excited / I'm just trying to guess" and other similar nonsense

Unfortunately people like this are hard to dissuade - I have a friend who does it, and her DCs have told her they're never having kids, though I know they hope to - so sadly the only thing that works is to shut it down completely

Can DH ring her and explain how her comments are hurtful, nasty and bitchy! And if she mentions anything about preganancy on Xmas day, you will be walking out and never seeing her again. These are unacceptable comments. I feel for you OP.

My Dh had to really flip out at his mother to stop her making "weight" comments every time she met me. I have always been slim, never had a problem with my weight but the slightest fluctuation as noted by her got a comment. It was fucking rude and annoying and not polite lunch conversation at all. She did it because she has no filter and had nothing interesting to say, but also partly because she is a massive bitch. Your DH needs to have a massive go or get his dad involved. Sorry if FIL has been mentioned but he may be the safer route.

@mariannnnaa Yes, tell her her son has had the snippety snip, that will take the wind out of her sails.

It must be so irritating having to field off questions like that.

You can either shut up and put up or be down right blunt and tell her that if she doesn't pack it in you are going home and taking your child with you. She only goes on because you both allow her too.

Perhaps if you took her to one side and said" Look obviously you think you are not doing anything wrong keeping bantering about if I am pregnant, especially since DP has asked you not to,but seriously carry on and we are leaving."
She will either stop bantering or stop speaking to you. Either result better than now. 💐

Tell her you’re not bothering until the Australian visa is all sorted.

I seriously hope your next update is from the queue in the supermarket, because you’ve come home and obviously have no food yet.

And commiserations on the secondary infertility and all good luck for the future.

Just leave.

If you need to say anything say, 'The constant intrustion into whether or not I am or am intending to be pregnant is awful. DH asked you to stop and you won't. So I'm leaving and won't be returning. Neither will the toddler. Your behaviour crossed the line a long time ago and I'm not prepared to tolerate it any longer'.

I'd also add 'By the way - your comments to DHs cousin were disgusting. I don't know how you can live with yourself'.

So asking nicely didn't work.

Either tell her to fuck off, every time she does it.

Or just leave. "I've asked you not to keep commenting on pregnancy. You cant respect that, so I'm leaving".

You don't have to explain.

THIS!

I hope you did get to leave. Even if you weren’t going through IVF listening to that crap is just not on, especially since she’s been asked to stop. It’s rude, it’s disrespectful and just horrible really. I’d even say it’s a form of bullying.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas away from there and best wishes with the IVF.

Leave. Grey rock them. Your DH can speak to them, go round etc if he wants, but I wouldn’t be joining him, no way! She’s way out of line.

DH needs to be firmer with her.

Have you tried telling her you’re one and done? Or maybe joke back something like, “every time you make a joke about us being pregnant, if we do really get pregnant that will be one extra week we don’t tell you. So that’s eleven weeks instead of ten ha ha!”

Then if she does it again, “you’re up to twelve weeks, Maureen! You won’t be hearing until the baby’s graduation at this rate!”

I'd say "not another word on this otherwise we will leave and go no contact." Hopefully she will get the idea, if she doesn't that's on her.

God, this is awful. I think I’d look her in the eye and say, “You are really upsetting me by continually doing this. It’s totally insensitive. If you make another pregnancy comment I’ll leave.” She sounds bloody insufferable and pretty thick!

I would leave tbh

Enough is enough

I'd keep it very calm and factual. No need to mention infertility:

M/MiL, your friendly banter about pregnancy is too upsetting. We have told you about this before. We wanted to celebrate Christmas with you, but we can't stay, whilst you keep upsetting Mariannnna. We are going to leave now.