Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

[mariannnnaa]

We’ve got secondary infertility, and our toddler is our only child right now. Because both sets of parents live far away from us and each other, we take turns spending Christmas with them, staying about a week each time. This year, it’s my in-laws’ turn.

The issue is my MIL. She’s desperate to be a grandma again and has always been pushy about it. When I was pregnant with my toddler, she was annoyed we waited until 10 weeks to tell her (instead of immediately). DH and I held off because we knew that, if something went wrong, she’d be the least supportive person. She has no filter and often says things that are thoughtless or hurtful.

We’re currently doing IVF, but the in-laws don’t know. MIL would make it so much worse with her comments. She’s already said things to DH’s cousin like, “When are you finally going to get pregnant?” when they were having IVF, and when she heard about their miscarriage, her reaction was, “Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

Whenever we visit, she won’t stop with the constant “jokey” questions. She’ll say things like, “Can I offer you some wine? Hahaha!” Or if we’re discussing lunch places, it’s, “Sushi? Marianna, SUSHI? What do you think?” with a smug little laugh. If I’m not hungry, it’s, “Ooh, not much appetite? Ginger helped me every time I was, you know, a little queasy…” It’s relentless.

Today, we went to a fair, and just before I got on a ride with my toddler, she pointed to a sign about pregnant women avoiding it and asked, “You’re still going on?” When I nodded, she added, “Guess no grandchild by summer, then!”

DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

Honestly, I’ve had enough. As soon as my toddler wakes up from their nap, I want to leave. I can’t face another sly remark, like, “Want some ice cream? Don’t worry, it’s pasteurised!” I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas. I’d rather spend it alone with my child than pretend I’m fine while trying not to cry every five minutes.

you say "Its none of your fucking business"

another tack you could try is what we do when people tell racist or sexist jokes:

You: don't say things like that it's mean
MIL: it's only a joke
You: oh sorry, i don't get it, can you explain why it's funny?

Then leave

Agree.

MIL is a vapid moron. Women who obsess over grandmotherhood are grim and annoying.

I'd tell her one more comment and you're leaving. Then do so.

Maybe sitting all alone Christmas Day will cure her of the joking remarks.

I'd actually tell her. Your parents know. It might make her more thoughtful. She's very tackless and quite unthinking but she doesn't actually know what you are going through. I know she should be more sensitive but some people just aren't!

"Let's talk about that later. Have you got your will sorted? And your funeral plan - you're not getting any younger, are you?"
Then leave

1. Drink a bottle of wine in front of her.
2. Vomit on her carpet.
3. Leave.

This is awful and she has had enough hints .. just go and let dh deal with her

you’ve done enough

I think I am leaving
But what exactly do I say without actually saying "we have infertility"

You don't say anything about pregnancy/infertility at all - just that you don't appreciate the incessant personal jibes so are leaving
No further discussion, no "Oh buts ...", simply go and leave her with her mouth hanging open and a deeply uncomfortable atmosphere to deal with

Doing that would open the OP up to endless questioning about IVF, etc - it would become even MORE intrusive and personal.

MiL deserves to know NOTHING.

Just say "well it would be a miracle considering your son has had a vasectomy so no more grandchildren from us I'm afraid"
I know it's a massive lie but that would mean the comments would stop (hopefully) because she would think there is no way it's gonna happen and when it does happen for you both and you get your baby you can tell her the truth then, if she kicks off about the lie just tell her that it's her own fault for going on and on about it causing you unnecessary stress.
What an insensitive woman she is

Just leave. Follow through like you are dealing with a misbehaving toddler. There are two outcomes. Outcome 1 - she realises you are serious about not wanting to hear it. Outcome 2 - you don't have to hear anymore snide remarks because you are not there. It's a win/win.

Chaos option. Very good! 🤣

Do you watch Miranda?

Stevie holds up a stick with a photo of Heather Small and sings 'what have you done today to make you feel proud?'

You could adapt it ...

Maybe hold up a pic of her from Frozen and sing 'Let It Go' really loudly and a bit out of tune.

Every. Single. Time.

Two options. Bat her away with humour: 'We're waiting for the right moment—like when we win the lottery!'

Or

'Every time you drop one of your awful hints we add another year to our timeline. So far we are at 17 years but by Xmas Eve it will be 34.'

Or you batter her into the ground.

'MIL you have the empathy of a fucking steamroller. I'm off.'

Could try option 1 first?

PPs advice have all been very good. OP is polite, and hurting, understandably. My inner b1tch would want to do this - or the alternative “Doris, we’re quite worried for you. You keep repeating yourself and don’t realise you’re doing it. We’ve booked you in with the GP for a memory test as we’re seriously concerned about your cognitive decline and we really want to help and make sure you get the best treatment.”.

Actually - could dementia be a possibility? I only ask as the first sign in a family member was a complete 180 in their personality. The usual kindness and empathy had fucked off and they were making quiet cruel comments about someone in family who had lost a baby. That was when we gathered forces and we did just as above, and it was indeed dementia.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. You deserve a peaceful and relaxing Christmas.

If you can give her once last chance. Be frank with her, next time she mentions it cut her off immediately, “Please stop. I am not pregnant and your constant little hints and insinuations are insulting and hurtful, do it again and we leave.” And mean it.

OP I know it’s not what you want to do, but when I was going through IVF I found the only way to stop people upsetting me was to be honest with them. I’d get all the “when are you going to get pregnant” etc, so I’d say “I don’t know. I’m going through IVF at the moment and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, so please don’t ask me about it or I’ll cry”.

What an appalling woman, "banter" oh really? No it is nasty, underhand and hurtful. I especially hate the banter excuse, adds insult to injury and the people who say that no exactly what they are up to

Don't give it any more thought.
Protect your stress levels.
I cannot believe you have tolerated this for as long as you have.

Pack those bags and leave now.
Tell your husband you are 100% done.

If you were my daughter I would be beyond furious on your behalf.

Not normal.
She is a nasty, batshit bitch.

Really? This woman is quite likely to be barely more than 50. Not everyone is the child of someone who had them in their 30s or 40's and is themselves having children in their 30s or 40s. My mother had three grandchildren by the time she was 47.

Another vote for leave. Life is too short to put up with that kind of shit.

Oooh this.

Or, "We've decided not to have any more kids as we're moving to Australia. We think we'll come back once every 3 years for a week or so, so you can see [toddler]."

DH needs to have a serious word with his mum. I can’t believe MIL would be so rude tbh. I wouldn’t dream of speaking to a future DIL like this, totally out of line. Good luck with the IVF OP.

She sounds awful - insensitive and pushy. I think leaving is justified.

You absolutely aren’t unreasonable for leaving.

I do think it will be most effective if your DH lays down the crystal clear boundary first. “Mum, the next time you make any sort of pregnancy comment, fish for information or even suggest [OP] might be pregnant, we’re leaving. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s funny or pressure-free, it is completely unwelcome.” Then when she does it again you immediately pack up and leave. He (and you) should participate in absolutely zero discussion about the nature of comments or how she means it, just lay down an utterly no-exceptions boundary that you’re not negotiating.

I’m so sorry. That sort of presumption and nosiness is infuriating in the best of situations and fertility struggles make it so much worse. People should know better.