Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

[mariannnnaa]

We’ve got secondary infertility, and our toddler is our only child right now. Because both sets of parents live far away from us and each other, we take turns spending Christmas with them, staying about a week each time. This year, it’s my in-laws’ turn.

The issue is my MIL. She’s desperate to be a grandma again and has always been pushy about it. When I was pregnant with my toddler, she was annoyed we waited until 10 weeks to tell her (instead of immediately). DH and I held off because we knew that, if something went wrong, she’d be the least supportive person. She has no filter and often says things that are thoughtless or hurtful.

We’re currently doing IVF, but the in-laws don’t know. MIL would make it so much worse with her comments. She’s already said things to DH’s cousin like, “When are you finally going to get pregnant?” when they were having IVF, and when she heard about their miscarriage, her reaction was, “Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

Whenever we visit, she won’t stop with the constant “jokey” questions. She’ll say things like, “Can I offer you some wine? Hahaha!” Or if we’re discussing lunch places, it’s, “Sushi? Marianna, SUSHI? What do you think?” with a smug little laugh. If I’m not hungry, it’s, “Ooh, not much appetite? Ginger helped me every time I was, you know, a little queasy…” It’s relentless.

Today, we went to a fair, and just before I got on a ride with my toddler, she pointed to a sign about pregnant women avoiding it and asked, “You’re still going on?” When I nodded, she added, “Guess no grandchild by summer, then!”

DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

Honestly, I’ve had enough. As soon as my toddler wakes up from their nap, I want to leave. I can’t face another sly remark, like, “Want some ice cream? Don’t worry, it’s pasteurised!” I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas. I’d rather spend it alone with my child than pretend I’m fine while trying not to cry every five minutes.

I’m howling!

Another idea - buy her a golf club for Christmas and tell her you think she needs a hobby.
Or ask her if she is struggling being post-menopausal which I’d normally think is cruel but it’s on the same level.

How about, I’m not sure if you are just a bit thick or if you are an absolute cunt. If you mention pregnancy once more I will know that you are an absolute cunt.
this should do it. Might cause some other issues mind.

Your DH needs to tell her that you both hate it and if she does anything like that one more time you will both leave. Personally I would get him to tell her you had a miscarriage but make it clear that you don’t want to hear a single word about it, no sympathy, nothing, or you’re off - but if you don’t want him to do that he could just say that it upsets you and she needs to change or she will be the one missing out.

Say " you are upsetting me and I am going to start avoiding you unless you stop" . Then follow through.
Or the age old wonder sentence, " oh do fuck off love"

To add, I'm also fed up with being hounded about a second one. I'd like one, but I nearly died last time, which people chose to be nice and careful to avoid talking about, but they can't stop themselves bring this subject up? Also I'm 44, are people stupid? Theyre just being wind ups, its not the actions of someonewho cares. Im low key trying for one and im fed up with my fertility being a topic of conversation. I'm sorry you have to put up with this. Big hugs!!

Go. She sounds like a right bitch. You don’t have to stay and put up with those hurtful and annoying comments.

Ask her personal questions about her sex life, uterus or vulva. See how she likes it. It's just banter MIL.

Be blunt if that's not too rude 😀

Mil. I will tell you when I am preg. Till then stop making comments and digs

Did it work?

@AnneLovesGilbert for a short time then she started again and I eventually went no contact as I couldn't cope with the fact I was never going to be the petite slim blonde daughter she wanted

Quite how that was my issue when her side of the family are all built like wrestlers I have no idea...

I do think you need to tell her the partial truth. Perhaps tell her that you are having difficulty conceiving and that’s why you find her comments upsetting. If after that she doesn’t stfu then leave.

You haven't told her about the IVF but did you tell her about the miscarriage this year? To give her the benefit of the doubt for a second, if she doesn't know about either of those things then she probably has no idea just how much of a raw nerve she's touching. She's not a mind reader. She's obviously not the most emotionally intelligent person but I think that packing up and leaving is rather extreme at this point, if she's so far completely unaware of your struggles. Your DH should just tell her. Not necessarily about the IVF, or even about the miscarriage if you really don't want to, although that would stop her in her tracks and make her think a bit about the impact of her 'jokey' remarks.

But she does at least need to know that you are really struggling and it's upsetting you both and you'd really, really appreciate it if she could just shut up about the whole thing.

Then, if she doesn't, of course you pack your bags and leave.

The question "What part of my request to stop do you not understand, Mum?" should follow her protest that it's just banter/ she isn't pressuring anyone/ blah blah.

You or your H need to issue an ultimatum if she can't/ won't desist. It would be best if it came from your husband. "Mum, if you continue to cause us grief on this topic, we will leave."

Then leave.

My mother was the same. Digs at me ( not about grandchildren,she wasn’t interested in the ones she had) all passed of as “just a joke”. No it’s not, it’s horrible passive aggressive bullshit.
I think you should get toddler into the car, your DH lingers behind and tells his mother why you’re all leaving. Because of her nasty digs, her nosiness, her passive aggressive snide remarks. He can call it what he likes but he has to lay it on thick. If she tries to say it’s a joke he just says no it’s not it’s nasty, vile behaviour. And leave.
if she doesn’t stop cut her out of your lives.

This.

You could say you are stressed out by her lack of common decency.

So you go nuclear. Tell her she is stressing you out, which won't help, and to honestly stop it. Then go home. Stupid woman. And expecting to be told about a pregnancy before the first trimester? Looney.

Go and have Christmas on your own.

I'd leave.

If she asks why I'd be tempted to tell her it's because she's a bully who hides behind "banter".

Sympathy OP. I’d go the crying route, preferably in front of lots of people. She’ll look like an insensitive bigmouth (funny that) and hopefully wrap her yap. Alternatively, if you don’t think that’d work and DH is not up to telling her in words she will heed, could one of your parents have a word? Ideally they’d witness the comment and then bang - ‘We all love the grandchildren Jane but don’t keep harping on at her about it, it’s none of our business.’

My dad didn’t need to be asked, he chose violence when my FIL moaned to him that we’d decided we were done (I ended up hospitalised three times and was badly damaged on the last birth, the ILs knew all this) and barked at him ‘it’s not a brood mare you’re talking about.’ 🫣

I mean, the whole thing was a bit argh and misogynistic but it did put FIL right back in his box.

Exactly this. I don’t understand why so many people are so upset or annoyed or angry and never say anything.

It’s very simple. Tell her to stop, that it’s upsetting you and when there’re is some news you will tell her. If she does it again say this is the kind of comment I am talking about, I won’t be around it again and have asked you to stop.

You are a grown up and want her to read your mind and stop what she is saying . I”m not saying it’s right but clearly she doesn’t think she is doing. Any wrong,

All of the rest about secondary infertility and IVF isn’t known to her. A lot of people don’t know how or don’t react to a miscarriage well. Also, to some people (again not saying it’s right) a miscarriage is just a natural thing that happens. I know I’ve been there for all that you are going through.

Have only read OPs posts.
I wouldn't warn her. I would pack up ready to leave and then at the next comment, i would tell her that you and DS are leaving, DH will do what he likes, but you are never seeing her again because she is upsetting you"

And then go.

She's been warned to stop by your husband already and she hasn't. She can play it off as a "joke" if she wants but it's not funny or playful to you and your husband. United front I'd say, you, your husband and your toddler all leave and don't visit her again.

As for the comment of she wants to be a grandma again I'd reply "what about taking more to do with the one you already have?" Presuming they don't see them too often with the distance.

Reply for when are you getting pregnant again? "When are you going to die?"

The last ones a bit brutal but this is how I've ended up after years of being asked questions like when are you getting a boyfriend? When are you getting engaged? When are you getting married? When are you having a baby? Well the next big event in life for someone that age is death so yeah ... That's my question... Soon shuts them up 🤣🤣

Yep. Honestly OP, just tell her you find her comments really bitchy, and if she makes them again, you are going. And don't see her again unless she apologises and stops.

I second this. Do it any and every time you're in her presence and she pulls this stunt but especially this Xmas.

What an absolute bitch she is. I pray you have a baby soon OP. In the meantime just refuse to see her, DH can see her alone.

You have my sympathies, OP. We struggled to conceive our first and that in itself was stressful. But on top of that I had my FIL making horrible comments like "I can't believe you're still not pregnant", and at a wedding, whilst sat at a table with other guests, he loudly announced that I was useless because I still wasn't pregnant. I was so humiliated, everyone on the table looked uncomfortable, and I spent the rest of the day crying in the toilets.

Another family member on dh's side became obsessed with knowing first about me being pregnant (she's a real gossip and wanted to be in the know) and whenever I saw her she would spend the whole time trying to hand me glasses of wine, questioning me as to why I wasn't drinking said wine (I barely drank alcohol anyway, and the wine they bought was particularly gruesome) and staring at my stomach whilst talking to me.

A third family member on dh's side also got odd about whether or not I was pregnant (I think it was because her dd got married close to when dh and I got married and she wanted her dd to get pregnant before us) and every time I saw her (which thankfully wasn't often) she would keep touching my stomach to see if it felt swollen. It was horrible and put me on edge.

Infertility was hard enough to deal with anyway, but to have these people doing and saying things that made me feel like a failure and drawing attention to my biggest fear (of never being able to have a child) made an already upsetting situation even worse. So I completely understand where you are coming from, OP. I pulled away completely from family occasions because of these people, which I don't regret at all. However, I wish I'd spoken up more to make it clear they were being out of order behaving like that.