I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

[QuestioningThings1]

We met DHs family at the pub yesterday for Christmas drinks. I passed our 4month old over to DH while I took DD1 to the toilet, when I came back DD2 was being held by SIL. She had my baby right in front of her face so they weren’t kissing but sharing breath and I could have cried on the spot. I didn’t want to make a scene because no one was unwell and baby was happy but DH knows how I feel about germs. I’ve been extra paranoid lately as everyone is getting the flu and saying it’s the worst they’ve ever had it they’ve been bed bound etc. Then we get baby back and then DH is stood up with baby asking others if they want to hold her. MIL had her next at which point baby started crying, thank god I thought while saying I’ll take her back now thank you and I kept hold of her until we went. But again she was very close to her face. I had her on my knee in conversation with DH while his auntie spoke to baby and then when I looked she had her fingers in my babies mouth!! I quickly moved her away and said oh she’s teething and took her away at which point I said to DH I want to go home now. We’d been there 2 hours anyway and I was on the verge of tears at this point. We got home and I couldn’t sleep my heart was beating fast and it still is this morning. I feel so so guilty about not being able to say in front of everyone I don’t want my baby being passed round or not being able to say what the fuck are you doing putting your dirty hands in my babies mouth. I get DH just wants his family to bond with our kids but up until 6 months ago they have not been arsed with our kids and DD1 is 3. We see them for an hour once every 3 weeks. I fell out with DH as soon as we got home because I was so stressed and anxious and he knows how I feel about playing pass the parcel with the baby and I was stressed about the hands in the mouth thing so I guess I took that out on him as well even though that was my fault for not watching.

He said I do it with my family (play pass the parcel) but I don’t. If I need a wee or need to sort DD1 out I say to my family can you hold her while I do x, y or z. Both of my sister have just had babies and if I want a cuddle we will swap. I never walk into a room and say who wants a hold, I will always try and keep her with me when I can because I’m mum and I want her with me. Also with my family I can and do tell them often. ‘Don’t get too close to her face when you’re holding her’, ‘I can smell smoke on you so no sorry’ ‘Don’t kiss her thanks’ ‘Don’t put your hands in her mouth’. I have a very close relationship with my mum and sisters and they know my boundaries and I’m very comfortable to remind them if they forget. I don’t have that same relationship with my in laws, neither does DH. We have a lot of history of them not respecting boundaries and talking behind our backs because we’ve set boundaries and the last time we met up my FIL was coughing into his hands then holding my babies hand. My baby sucks her thumb so I had to take her to the toilets and wash her tiny hands and got upset after just in case anything passed. But again nothing was said to him, my fault again. I know if I say something it will probably jeopardise DHs relationship with his family and they’ve only just started making half an effort with him again.

I don’t know whether I’m just really hormonal still because my body feels like it’s going through a lot at this stage my skin has gone bad my hair is falling out but I don’t trust his family or feel comfortable when they hold my baby.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my in laws to hold my baby?!

If they asked to have a hold I think I’d feel differently but It’s always DH asking them

I voted 'not unreasonable'.
It was the finger in babies mouth that decided me.
Keep your bloody fingers OUT of the babies mouth.
But rule Number 1, do not kiss my baby on the mouth, it's how most youngsters catch cold sores, which can be a lifelong problem.

Well done OP - this is actually a great update. There’s so many threads where nearly everyone tells the OP they are unreasonable but then OP doubles down and desperately tries to convince everyone that they are not being unreasonable.

Recognising your anxiety is disproportionate and that you do need help with it is a really positive first step.

One thought I had is that from the ages of your children it looks like your first child was born during or just after Covid. Could it be that stress associated with being pregnant and having a newborn during the pandemic has led to some kind of delayed reaction where you are feeling overly anxious about your second child now?

OP, I agree that your anxiety is a step too far ALTHOUGH I think your DH sounds a bit unhelpful knowing how you feel, he could be more sensitive. Also I would not have been impressed if anyone put their fingers in my child’s mouth?! WTF. Different if the baby is old enough to try and grab their fingers etc.

Them giving your baby a cuddle is fine though.

Gently yabu. They are excited family and a few germs will help build the immune system.

Could someone who is a big worrier over their baby "catching germs" from someone else tell me what happens when they get sick themselves as a mum? When you start to feel unwell with a cold or you have a sore throat starting, do you avoid your child then because you don't want them to catch it?

This can be a very sensitive topic OP so please don't beat yourself up. It is totally natural to want to protect your baby, you have all the right instincts to be a great mum. And I would be squeamish about the dirty fingers in baby's mouth too. But I think you should be able to say no fingers please and then tolerate the rest. I wouldn't be happy with anyone kissing a baby on the mouth (or even face actually) so would probably also speak up about that. But general cuddles - no it's good for them, let it happen, but take control of it (i.e. assert yourself) more to help with your worry level.

YANBU. I think this feeling is very normal. I was exactly the same. I had a traumatic birth and was highly anxious particularly in the first six months. But it gradually resolved naturally and a big part of that was setting boundaries so that I felt safe. My MIL would also put her fingers in my baby's mouth and didn't support my baby's head properly. I do love her in general but I couldn't cope with it at the time. We explained to her how anxious I was, and she didn't hold the baby again until I was a bit better. But she did sit with baby, play, interact etc. No harm done. New mothers with anxiety need time, patience and for others to put them first. Tiny babies don't get anything out of being passed around. It's an overwhelming time. Now, more than a year on I have no problem with anyone cuddling my little one. She can express whether she likes it or not.

You have totally misunderstood that person's post.

Very well said.

Getting ill is a normal part of life, and in fact is essential to build up and maintain your immunity. I hope you seek help for yourself but also for the sake of your kids. Otherwise your kids will pick up on your anxiety and develop mental health issues of their own.

Thank you.

Don’t be ridiculous - mums and babies share so many germs already that if the mum or baby get a cold there’s not much point staying away from each other. That still doesn’t mean you should let someone from outside your household stick their fingers in your baby’s mouth. OP acknowledges she has been a bit OTT here and is seeking help, but there is still a value in being a little cautious with baby’s health especially in first 6 months, ie it’s reasonable asking people to wash hands or not hold baby if they have a cold.

I’m surprised you took the baby to the pub if you are this fussed about germs.

I knew you'd get the comments you have and that some people would vote YABU but tbh I'm shocked at the amount who voted that way.

If someone isn't bothered about your kids all of the time then I don't see the point of one hour every three weeks and as for putting their fingers in the child's mouth.. wow.

I'm guessing this is your first baby. I was the same. I remember my eldest being handed over to my husbands nieces daughter ( 5) who sneezed in his face. I was mortified. I even cleaned his face with anti bac. I was nuts. I put it down to being a new first time mum, having pnd and no sleep. It did pass. Esp once they crawl and lick anything in sight.
As for anyone putting their fingers in a baby's mouth is disgusting. Id be annoyed at that and would need to say something.
If this is a new thing..keep an eye ot doesn't get worse.. if you've always had it and it's worse, maybe speak to gp. I havnt read all the replies so apologises if you've answered.

Also, OP - at 4 months old I wouldn’t have wanted to pass my baby around in a pub no matter what the family relation! A lot of new mums want to hibernate with baby for a few months at least. So while it’s good to seek help don’t beat yourself up too much. And your DH needs to step up here too, not just over rule your feelings.

You need to get help with your extreme anxiety as you will pass it to your children and they will also be neurotic and living in fear.

@QuestioningThings1 I know exactly the kind of anxiety you are feeling.

When DD1 was born, I went a bit OTT in regards to being over-protective. I think it was caused by her being born by ECS then being taken to SCBU for a few hours, whilst I had to stay on the post-natal ward with mums and their newborns, without her.

I was also a second time parent (DS was 18.5 years at the time, I was OK when he was a baby).

I do have a history of anxiety and bipolar, so that made things worse.

With her I worried about everything. I was worried about her getting sunburnt, about going out with her in her pram in case a car mounted the pavement and hit us, about a swarm of bees attacking her.

I breastfed and would express milk to mix with baby porridge when she began weaning. I would regularly throw the porridge away as I would worry that I may have opened a kitchen cupboard and a paracetamol may have fallen out and into it. It sounds ridiculous now - but it was a real fear.

She was a baby that put EVERYTHING in her mouth, so I used to phone the HV to ask if she would be OK after mouthing toys at the health clinic. I think the HV may have been worried about me.

I can understand the worrying about their faces being close, but the only real worry about that would be if they had cold sores - HSV1 (and 2), can be dangerous to very young babies.

My dad adored DD1, really, really adored her. He smoked but would put his face next to her (never straight after a ciggie though).

Some germs are good for babies, they cannot build up immunity without exposure, so it's good for her to be exposed to some germs.

You feel how you feel though. It will get better, the anxiety will ease, but you're still the most important person to your DD and that bond is at it's strongest right now, so the protective instincts are very high...she will be fine though x

This in spades .You are going to give your child the same anxieties so in the New year get some help to get back to a more healthy attitude towards germs

I know exactly how you feel, Op. I felt the same when my first child was born. I would hide when people knocked on the door in case they brought germs to the house.
It got to the point where I was convinced my baby would die. When I found myself planning a double funeral for my DF (who really was dying) and my baby, thinking it would be so nice for them to be buried together, I realised I was very far from normal.

A visit to the doctor confirmed PND. If I'd gone to him when I first stressed about the germs, perhaps it would have been diagnosed and sorted out earlier.

Please go to your doctor or Health Visitor. They will help you feel much better.

Your baby needs to build up resistance to germs. How will it do that if it doesn’t go near any? Fingers in the mouth us too much though

Oh hun, I didn't know I had anxiety until my family pointed it out. Do see the GP and be completely honest with them. I was diagnosed with severe postpartum anxiety when my LG was 3mths old, I just couldn't admit anything was wrong for a while. I was too scared to leave the house or let anyone except me and my DH to hold our LG. I got therapy, saw a psychologist (both weekly) and was prescribed anti-depressants. It takes a while, but it gets better. Don't take the mean comments too hard, your feelings are very real to you and you need some help to realise it's not as bad as you think. I've been where you are and I'm so so much better. Take it from me, you can get past this and the anxiety will wear off with the right help. Well done for acknowledging it, that's the hardest and first step. Lean on your family for help where you can as well. Wishing you all the best xx

It could simply be that your disdain for your in-laws is causing you to begrudge their getting close (emotionally and literally) to your baby. You don't need to see a GP. They are already inundated with faux mental health 'conditions'. Just grit your teeth, smile and accept that annoying in-laws are often the price we have to pay for married life.

@QuestioningThings1 Babies - especially breast fed ones have a good immune system.

When the baby is crawling, all sorts will enter their mouth.

Some exposure to “germs” is GOOD.

It strengthens immune system in healthy individuals.

Agreed.

By the time your baby is a few months older, my guess is your anxiety in keeping your baby safe from invasive in-laws will have settled.