I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

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We met DHs family at the pub yesterday for Christmas drinks. I passed our 4month old over to DH while I took DD1 to the toilet, when I came back DD2 was being held by SIL. She had my baby right in front of her face so they weren’t kissing but sharing breath and I could have cried on the spot. I didn’t want to make a scene because no one was unwell and baby was happy but DH knows how I feel about germs. I’ve been extra paranoid lately as everyone is getting the flu and saying it’s the worst they’ve ever had it they’ve been bed bound etc. Then we get baby back and then DH is stood up with baby asking others if they want to hold her. MIL had her next at which point baby started crying, thank god I thought while saying I’ll take her back now thank you and I kept hold of her until we went. But again she was very close to her face. I had her on my knee in conversation with DH while his auntie spoke to baby and then when I looked she had her fingers in my babies mouth!! I quickly moved her away and said oh she’s teething and took her away at which point I said to DH I want to go home now. We’d been there 2 hours anyway and I was on the verge of tears at this point. We got home and I couldn’t sleep my heart was beating fast and it still is this morning. I feel so so guilty about not being able to say in front of everyone I don’t want my baby being passed round or not being able to say what the fuck are you doing putting your dirty hands in my babies mouth. I get DH just wants his family to bond with our kids but up until 6 months ago they have not been arsed with our kids and DD1 is 3. We see them for an hour once every 3 weeks. I fell out with DH as soon as we got home because I was so stressed and anxious and he knows how I feel about playing pass the parcel with the baby and I was stressed about the hands in the mouth thing so I guess I took that out on him as well even though that was my fault for not watching.

He said I do it with my family (play pass the parcel) but I don’t. If I need a wee or need to sort DD1 out I say to my family can you hold her while I do x, y or z. Both of my sister have just had babies and if I want a cuddle we will swap. I never walk into a room and say who wants a hold, I will always try and keep her with me when I can because I’m mum and I want her with me. Also with my family I can and do tell them often. ‘Don’t get too close to her face when you’re holding her’, ‘I can smell smoke on you so no sorry’ ‘Don’t kiss her thanks’ ‘Don’t put your hands in her mouth’. I have a very close relationship with my mum and sisters and they know my boundaries and I’m very comfortable to remind them if they forget. I don’t have that same relationship with my in laws, neither does DH. We have a lot of history of them not respecting boundaries and talking behind our backs because we’ve set boundaries and the last time we met up my FIL was coughing into his hands then holding my babies hand. My baby sucks her thumb so I had to take her to the toilets and wash her tiny hands and got upset after just in case anything passed. But again nothing was said to him, my fault again. I know if I say something it will probably jeopardise DHs relationship with his family and they’ve only just started making half an effort with him again.

I don’t know whether I’m just really hormonal still because my body feels like it’s going through a lot at this stage my skin has gone bad my hair is falling out but I don’t trust his family or feel comfortable when they hold my baby.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my in laws to hold my baby?!

If they asked to have a hold I think I’d feel differently but It’s always DH asking them

I don’t blame you OP, I’ve seen far too many dirty bastards not wash their hands in washrooms. No way would I want someone’s fingers in my newborns mouth.

My first had bronchiolitis as a newborn and I was very careful from then on to avoid ill people around him, same when ds2 was a newborn.

Also no shoes on in the house where baby is crawling and when they were newborns, used to asked people to wash hands or sanitise before holding them.

I feel for you OP. I was like this (still am a bit). One time I couldn’t sleep for two nights after some random touched my baby’s hands in public when there was a swathe of D&V going around (and I had a baby that did a lot of gnashing their own fists). I actually did try to seek help, because I was so consumed with the idea of my baby getting germs/virus’ and getting sick and possibly dying I was anxious all the time, it was exhausting. It was taking the joy out of having my new baby and introducing them to the world and our family. I was however told “this is perfectly normal, all mothers feel like this” but I don’t think it is, and this thread proves it.

In therapy years later it’s come out that these feelings are probably part of something deeper.

I know some posters have been a bit unkind pointing out that your feelings are a bit out of the norm, but I think unless you’ve experienced this level of anxiety and fear around germs, it’s hard to understand and people have no idea how distressing it is. Your whole body gets involved in some kind of fight/flight reaction. It’s not voluntary it’s not a ‘choice’ you aren’t being selfish or a dick etc it’s an actual illness where your brain is in hyperdrive and hypersensitivity to threat to your baby. People looking outside in just see the ‘behaviour’ they don’t see the pain and fear underneath.

Go see your GP. Ask to be referred for support. Your HV might be able to help and IAPT services offer CBT which can be helpful for this kind of anxiety. Long term though, you might find (like I did) there’s some deeper stuff under the rug that’s triggered this anxiety and you need to deal with that too if it exists.

Get help. Yes yabu

I was gob snakes when i read you were not a first time mum- see if you can find any anxiety meditation to help and don't be afraid to take chemical support from to doctor. It's all irrational and you need to learn to chill around your in laws for the sake of your baby and your marriage - I couldn't tolerate it

You are being unreasonable, but it's not uncommon. It's natural instincts which are there to protect the baby, and sometimes it kicks in stronger than for others.
It should settle down over the next couple of months, try to pick what you voice such as fingers in mouth as a priority so the actual issues are taken more seriously than if you're voicing all the feelings.

I am sorry to say this, but the problem is yours. It would be good to try and find a way of dealing with this, as it will impinge on your children's well-being as time goes by. I am sure you would like them to grow up without inheriting this anxiety.

Good luck with trying to sort this.

Your behaviour is very abnormal. I loved passing my babies around family.

I really feel for you OP, you poor soul. And you haven't "messed everything up". Your stance comes from a place of love and caring for your baby. Yes ,your Anxiety levels are too high and it's impacting on your health so great that you are seeking advice- for your own peace of mind and health. Online advice might also be helpful.Living with severe anxiety levels is horrible and exhausting.But it's understandable that people are more anxious after covid so please don't blame yourself.
But I also think that your inlaws need to respect your boundaries. And I'd have been raging if anyone put their fingers in my babies mouths . Perhaps a message from both your husband and yourself just laying down boundaries to both sets of family then no one being singled out. Maybe even explain your anxiety and fact gp involved if you feel able to share? Totally understandable if you don't want to share this info .
Be kind to yourself
Hope you manage to have a lovely christmas

Yes, you are being unreasonable.
Unless you and your baby want to live as recluses, nothing wrong with that, it won't work.

It's great that for once on MN, you've asked if you are being unreasonable, and accepted the response. Anxiety can make life very difficult - addressing it is the right thing to do.

You took a baby to a pub - hardly the most hygienic of places!

You haven't ruined anything. You and your baby will be fine - better once you get the help you need. The hardest part is acknowledging that you need help, so well done x

I can't imagine what you or any other poster thinks your doctor will do? Tell you to pull yourself together, that's if you even get an appointment? I very much doubt they'll do a referral based on what you've said. But by all means talk it through if you need to, of course. Are you like this with everything, or just this specific set of circumstances? How the AF is it ok to shove your fingers in the mouth of someone else's baby? I'd have snatched baby back and said "urrgghh that's DISGUSTING". I think its more an issue around you not feeling able to set boundaries - you just went home (dont blame you) but that means they'll think its fine to do it again. I know the feeling of being a new mum and feeling so worried about a great many things. I don't think you were BU at all. But the issue is how to address it going forward - maybe in being more confident, or accepting a level of germs etc. But there is no way you should just accept someone's fingers in your baby's mouth.

Assuming DD1 is out and about at nursery or playgroups, and you are letting her interact with the baby, your aversion to your IL's holding the baby seems more of a relationship issue than a germ issue. At 3/4 months DD2 needs to be starting to build her own immune responses, which means letting her get exposure to all and sundry.

I can't imagine what you or any other poster thinks your doctor will do?

It's not for us to imagine.

It's for the doctor to decide.

Well I disagree with the whole "4th trimester" business, which really wasn't a thing 18 or 20 years ago, it just seems to have become a trend along with "babymoons" and gender reveal parties.

But I actually can't understand why you would allow someone you actively dislike and think are horrible to hold your baby? Why are you even in their company? I get that sometimes you may be at the same family parties or something but you can sit well away from them, surely?

You need therapy for your germ phobia. You are adversely affecting your baby - s/he will pick up on your irrational behaviour before too long and it will affect him/her.

Well done OP on recognising the issue and seeking help.

I for one think it's bizarre and mean that some women have a my family/ his family rule. A baby is entitled to a granny cuddle from either side! To deprive a grandparent of snuggle time with their little grandchild is particularly cruel.

Glad you are going to ask for support from your GP, I would speak to your health visitor too. Well done for acknowledging it, this is worth trying to get on top of. You cannot be enjoying your children when you are on high alert all the time. Sending best wishes & supportive hugs across the internet.

There's a lot more to it than that. Babies are often passed around and there's no need for it especially if the mother is not comfortable with it.
I would argue it's perfectly normal to not want your baby to be held by people who have made no effort with your older child.

You are being very silly....relax and enjoy someone else taking care of your baby for a while!

I never said that, I'll let you on now 😂

😂It really isn't. It helps their brain to develop. They learn to recognise different faces, hear different voices talking to them, different accents, different tones. That peope smell differently. Use different vocabulary. It is a TOTALLY normal part of a baby's social developement and you're being unfair to them to not allow that to happen at such a crucial stage.

Eh no, they're an extremely close in law 😂

I disagree with others and I think it is okay and normal to feel this way. It is instinctual to want to keep your baby safe and close and it depends on your relationship with your jn laws too. I have a difficult in law relationship and found it hard to pass my baby to them, but did not feel this way about my own family. I did know this was my issue though and had to allow them sometimes of course but I also think it's okay to set boundaries around putting hands in mouth, kissing etc. and at this time of year it is anxiety provoking as there is alot of illnesses around. It probably is hormonal changes that make you feel this so intensely but I don't think this has to be pathologised into an anxiety issue. Just be aware that you do have to allow in laws to build a relationship however hard that might feel but keep boundaries where needed.