I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

[QuestioningThings1]

We met DHs family at the pub yesterday for Christmas drinks. I passed our 4month old over to DH while I took DD1 to the toilet, when I came back DD2 was being held by SIL. She had my baby right in front of her face so they weren’t kissing but sharing breath and I could have cried on the spot. I didn’t want to make a scene because no one was unwell and baby was happy but DH knows how I feel about germs. I’ve been extra paranoid lately as everyone is getting the flu and saying it’s the worst they’ve ever had it they’ve been bed bound etc. Then we get baby back and then DH is stood up with baby asking others if they want to hold her. MIL had her next at which point baby started crying, thank god I thought while saying I’ll take her back now thank you and I kept hold of her until we went. But again she was very close to her face. I had her on my knee in conversation with DH while his auntie spoke to baby and then when I looked she had her fingers in my babies mouth!! I quickly moved her away and said oh she’s teething and took her away at which point I said to DH I want to go home now. We’d been there 2 hours anyway and I was on the verge of tears at this point. We got home and I couldn’t sleep my heart was beating fast and it still is this morning. I feel so so guilty about not being able to say in front of everyone I don’t want my baby being passed round or not being able to say what the fuck are you doing putting your dirty hands in my babies mouth. I get DH just wants his family to bond with our kids but up until 6 months ago they have not been arsed with our kids and DD1 is 3. We see them for an hour once every 3 weeks. I fell out with DH as soon as we got home because I was so stressed and anxious and he knows how I feel about playing pass the parcel with the baby and I was stressed about the hands in the mouth thing so I guess I took that out on him as well even though that was my fault for not watching.

He said I do it with my family (play pass the parcel) but I don’t. If I need a wee or need to sort DD1 out I say to my family can you hold her while I do x, y or z. Both of my sister have just had babies and if I want a cuddle we will swap. I never walk into a room and say who wants a hold, I will always try and keep her with me when I can because I’m mum and I want her with me. Also with my family I can and do tell them often. ‘Don’t get too close to her face when you’re holding her’, ‘I can smell smoke on you so no sorry’ ‘Don’t kiss her thanks’ ‘Don’t put your hands in her mouth’. I have a very close relationship with my mum and sisters and they know my boundaries and I’m very comfortable to remind them if they forget. I don’t have that same relationship with my in laws, neither does DH. We have a lot of history of them not respecting boundaries and talking behind our backs because we’ve set boundaries and the last time we met up my FIL was coughing into his hands then holding my babies hand. My baby sucks her thumb so I had to take her to the toilets and wash her tiny hands and got upset after just in case anything passed. But again nothing was said to him, my fault again. I know if I say something it will probably jeopardise DHs relationship with his family and they’ve only just started making half an effort with him again.

I don’t know whether I’m just really hormonal still because my body feels like it’s going through a lot at this stage my skin has gone bad my hair is falling out but I don’t trust his family or feel comfortable when they hold my baby.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my in laws to hold my baby?!

If they asked to have a hold I think I’d feel differently but It’s always DH asking them

Oh OP, I can empathise. I think you need to separate it in her head and see what you're actually upset about..
Is it germs as I think if so being in a pub just before Christmas wasn't the best idea anyway and your inlaws holding baby wasn't going to be that much more 'dangerous' in terms of baby catching a dose..
Or is that instinctual things some mothers have of preferring to hold baby themselves, you are still just coming out of 4th trimester after all..
Or is it that you have a difficult relationship with your in-laws, don't necessarily like them that much and so naturally don't want them holding your baby? I understand that, one of my in-laws is a horrible person and my blood boils when they'd hold my baby as they used to disrespect me and my husband so much so I felt like they didn't deserve baby cuddles 😅 when they couldn't treat us with kindness..
Maybe if you unravelled it you could get to the bottom of it and then take steps to fix it..

Talk to your health visitor about your anxiety

I have a 4 month old and am very cautious about germs. But what you're talking about is too far. Your in-laws were all healthy. I hate the fingers in mouth too, but it's not the end of the world. Your baby will have to be exposed to germs at some point. Yes best to avoid RSV, and I won't meet up with anyone who has a cold or bug at the moment. But all healthy? I wouldnt mind.

It's normal to offer your baby around to family, i do it with mine. When my husband has his family and friends over I'm more than happy for them all to have a cuddle. Baby even gets passed around a bit at church!

You're anxious and that is HARD. There are talking therapies and meds you can take while breastfeeding. I have medication for anxiety. I couldn't function without it.

OP poll is clear.
I would have said something about fingers in her mouth, for whatever reason you would do that; it is not really about the germs, but I never had the idea of sticking my fingers in anyone's mouth. Though it could have been your DD who wanted to explore this new person with her mouth? But holding close, hugging, kissing her face or hands, that is perfectly normal and healthy. And you do share a cuddle with your own family.
You know, possibly is your DH who offers because his family feels unwelcome by you to get close to your children.
You need to find help for your anxiety. It is affecting you, your DH, his family and your children. Your children much more than you can imagine.

Yanbu to say "please take your fingers out of babies mouth".

If anyone ignores this, yanbu to remove the baby immediately.

My opinion is different to the majority of replies so far. I'm a doctor (well, I was until I had my son) and I felt the exact same way when my son was a baby.

I think if you're anxious and panicking about less common or catastrophic things eg a car crash, child dying etc then that would definitely be post natal anxiety and I'd suggest you need help.

But not wanting your young baby to be passed around sucking fingers during December is completely reasonable to me. Hospitals are FULL of flu, noro, covid etc. Relatives wouldn't be worried about a baby catching a cold or flu because they're not the ones up at 2am dealing with a crying baby with a fever or pain. Babies catch viruses and that's normal but it's shit and can often be avoided or at least reduce the frequency of illness by sensible measures such as not putting fingers in mouth. That's gross in my opinion, I wouldn't want anyone's fingers in my mouth 🤷🏻‍♀️

At the end of the day you're the mum, if your DH is the one who's going to be looking after the baby at night when they're poorly then he can by all means pass the baby around like an object

Oh OP, yes do speak to the doctor. Please don’t suffer any longer with the anxiety, I know all to well how crippling and limiting it is. I waited too long, and wasted so many years, before I got help. I ended up becoming so incredibly anxious during lockdown (funnily enough not actually about virus!) and rang my GP in an absolute state. They prescribed me sertraline which took a little bit of time to settle on and now nearly 4yrs later I am a much better version of myself, I still get a little anxious about things (the same themes as before) but I can manage it with various techniques. It’s made a huge difference to me, I’m doing all sorts of things now that I’d never have thought possible before.

Please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

edited to add: YANBU about the fingers in baby’s mouth. I’ve never seen this done but have heard it happening on MN all the time and I can’t for the life of me understand why people do that to a baby.

'Object'?

I'm glad you're not my bloody doctor.

Everyone has said the sucking of fingers was disgusting, but no-one passes a much love family baby around like an 'object'.

FFS you sound almost as bad as the OP but at least she has a reason, having only given birth 4 months ago.

AND she's going to get help for her issues.

Thank you for this, don't know why she's getting such a hard time, especially when her in laws have been so difficult but now are all about the baby

In a few months your baby will have needle sharp teeth and will be able to show your stupid aunt-in-law her feelings about having a stranger shove part of their hand in her mouth. What the hell is that all about? I wouldn't do that to a cat or a dog, why do people feel it's OK to do that to a baby?

I don't like pass the parcel either with people who the baby doesn't know. How scary for them.

OP I can really understand this, I was the exact same with my in laws. Although mine wasn’t around germs necessarily, I just didn’t want them to hold DS at all and I’d come up with any excuse under the sun.
I did get diagnosed with PND when DS was 12 months, so quite late. I had always been quite anxious but always tried to manage it but the added pressure of a child really meant I was barely functioning by the end. I’m on medication now and things have improved immeasurably although I still have some difficult days. I’m glad to see you’ve reached out to your GP, mine have been amazing in their support, I hope you have the same experience.

She's talking sense. A baby doesn't need to be passed around a room.

Yeah you are being ridiculous.

Are .. you one of the ones who sued their parents for not asking your permission to be born?

I agree, I hope this passes, op, but if not, please do seek help.
There is nothing wrong with what your sister-in-law did. Your baby is going to come across lots of germs and I would think a pub would be full of them anyway.

Lots of things that are part of everyday life don’t need to be done. There’s no harm in a perfectly healthy grandparent or aunt holding a baby and the effect on OP isn’t normal or healthy.

Has everybody missed the part where these in laws couldn't give two hoots until recently and OP's first child is 3 but now are all about the baby, for heavens sake stop with the diagnosing of anxiety and pnd. Yes, she's having a bad moment but these people have suddenly come back into her life, she's not comfortable with them to set appropriate boundaries and they've pretty much ignored her first child, naturally she doesn't want them all over her baby.

You took your baby out to a pub so you can't be that worried about germs.

This! Well said. Couldn't agree more 👏 👌

I too am a doctor. A consultant psychiatrist of many years.

This: I was on the verge of tears at this point. We got home and I couldn’t sleep my heart was beating fast and it still is this morning is not a normal reaction to the events in the pub.

Nobody is saying that the fingers in mouth thing is fine. It’s horrid. But the reaction of the OP to the baby ‘sharing breath’ with her aunt is extreme. She is catastrophising and anxious. Possible postnatal anxiety.

Fortunately the OP can see this and is reaching out for help. Hopefully she can be referred to a perinatal MH team for assessment and support. There may be stuff that went on in pg that made the OP anxious, and that needs unpicking by specialists to ensure that she and the baby are ok.

Oh bless you OP.

You have not messed up.

But I do agree that your anxiety is too high, especially with a 4mo who has a sibling in nursery - baby is probably exposed to way worse on a daily basis by her!

Good luck getting help - if you are BF sertraline is a godsend - and enjoy Christmas with your 3yo and new baby!

"Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my in laws to hold my baby?!"

Yes you are.

Do you feel like this when your family hold your baby?

Well done OP, its nice to see that the comments have been taken to heart and you will take some advice, many people would just be in denial and reject the comments.

She's talking shite.

A few relatives held the baby.

You're trying to make sound like she was passed around the whole pub 🙄

You play pass the parcel with your own family but your oh's family are not allowed, I really feel for your oh.

@CreakingAlong it's good to have a psychiatrist's opinion here and I definitely respect you would know a lot better than I do.