I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

[QuestioningThings1]

We met DHs family at the pub yesterday for Christmas drinks. I passed our 4month old over to DH while I took DD1 to the toilet, when I came back DD2 was being held by SIL. She had my baby right in front of her face so they weren’t kissing but sharing breath and I could have cried on the spot. I didn’t want to make a scene because no one was unwell and baby was happy but DH knows how I feel about germs. I’ve been extra paranoid lately as everyone is getting the flu and saying it’s the worst they’ve ever had it they’ve been bed bound etc. Then we get baby back and then DH is stood up with baby asking others if they want to hold her. MIL had her next at which point baby started crying, thank god I thought while saying I’ll take her back now thank you and I kept hold of her until we went. But again she was very close to her face. I had her on my knee in conversation with DH while his auntie spoke to baby and then when I looked she had her fingers in my babies mouth!! I quickly moved her away and said oh she’s teething and took her away at which point I said to DH I want to go home now. We’d been there 2 hours anyway and I was on the verge of tears at this point. We got home and I couldn’t sleep my heart was beating fast and it still is this morning. I feel so so guilty about not being able to say in front of everyone I don’t want my baby being passed round or not being able to say what the fuck are you doing putting your dirty hands in my babies mouth. I get DH just wants his family to bond with our kids but up until 6 months ago they have not been arsed with our kids and DD1 is 3. We see them for an hour once every 3 weeks. I fell out with DH as soon as we got home because I was so stressed and anxious and he knows how I feel about playing pass the parcel with the baby and I was stressed about the hands in the mouth thing so I guess I took that out on him as well even though that was my fault for not watching.

He said I do it with my family (play pass the parcel) but I don’t. If I need a wee or need to sort DD1 out I say to my family can you hold her while I do x, y or z. Both of my sister have just had babies and if I want a cuddle we will swap. I never walk into a room and say who wants a hold, I will always try and keep her with me when I can because I’m mum and I want her with me. Also with my family I can and do tell them often. ‘Don’t get too close to her face when you’re holding her’, ‘I can smell smoke on you so no sorry’ ‘Don’t kiss her thanks’ ‘Don’t put your hands in her mouth’. I have a very close relationship with my mum and sisters and they know my boundaries and I’m very comfortable to remind them if they forget. I don’t have that same relationship with my in laws, neither does DH. We have a lot of history of them not respecting boundaries and talking behind our backs because we’ve set boundaries and the last time we met up my FIL was coughing into his hands then holding my babies hand. My baby sucks her thumb so I had to take her to the toilets and wash her tiny hands and got upset after just in case anything passed. But again nothing was said to him, my fault again. I know if I say something it will probably jeopardise DHs relationship with his family and they’ve only just started making half an effort with him again.

I don’t know whether I’m just really hormonal still because my body feels like it’s going through a lot at this stage my skin has gone bad my hair is falling out but I don’t trust his family or feel comfortable when they hold my baby.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my in laws to hold my baby?!

If they asked to have a hold I think I’d feel differently but It’s always DH asking them

It sounds as if you are intertwining two issues. The first is that you clearly anxious about germs and that needs to be I think dealt with by going to the doctors - your 3 year old will start school go on play dates etc and will come up against viruses - are they at preschool yet. Because it is clear this level is hindering your day to day life

outside of that you clearly have some Inlaw issues with not respecting your boundaries

Op you need to research micro biome. It is good for your baby to have some contact with environment- too clean is very bad. People actually have lower rates of asthma if they grow up around dogs, for example. Thumb sucking is natural - it introduces tiny amounts of your environment to your child’s gut.

Obviously people smoking, or a big dirty pub, or people with bad coughs and colds, aren’t great when baby is tiny, but in the end your baby is worse off if you are overprotective.

Theres a happy medium to find here

Until her husband decides he'd quite like his own family to hold his own baby.

I am one of those posters that flamed you b it this response makes me respect you. You realise you have a problem that goes beyond ‘having too much time on your hands’ and you need help - which you are seeking. Good for you and good luck. Engage with whatever they tell you!

I think that sounds very sensible. And a HUGE well done for taking advice onboard (also sensible to step away from the thread because they always become bun fights).

Outline to your Dr or HV exactly what you have said here - both posts because the second one highlights that although you are finding ways to mask your anxiety you have had it for a long time (it wouldn’t even occur to most people to check if everyone was well before a routine meet up for a toddler play date).

There is loads of help available and you will feel so much better when you get this addressed.

Yabvu and actually making your baby more vulnerable by not letting her be held by family.

I completely understand but I do think you are overreacting. Apart from the fingers in her mouth that’s gross and I’d have just said that’s disgusting do not put your fingers in her mouth.

Do you think you could have postpartum depression/anxiety? My daughter is 2 and I’m still suffering. Therapy has helped manage it a bit.

I will echo the others and you really need to try and nip this anxiety in the bud as it won't serve you well as your DCs get older and pick up illness/get rashes etc.
It's good for DC to get exposed to 'germs' let's say as this is how they build their immunity - yes it's unpleasant when they get a cold - but you can't stop this from happening. Does your 3 yr old go to nursery? Touch the baby, etc? No-one in that party was ill were they? If they were then yes, maybe you have a point but 'swapping breath' or even fingers in mouth is not really a massive issue.

If it's purely problem with not wanting the PILs to touch the baby because you don't like them, that's totally different, but they are entitled to see their new relative as well.

Edited to say I didn't read all your replies and it's good you are going to seek help.

Sorry, but you're being exceptionally unreasonable.
Of course they should be holding her, unless they are ill or have been smoking.

The finger sucking is wrong. You need to tell them, as many people see no issue with it, but iys gross. That's not a rude thing to say please don't do.
Same with getting up in her face or kissing.

I think you are / are not being unreasonable.
I’ve just had a baby, 3 MO. I would let most people in family hold. It is ultimately up to you but I think if no one was ill and a few family members held baby then it’s perfectly fine; i do think you’re being slightly dramatic. No one is going to drop dead.

however; I would absolutely lose my mind if someone put their hands in my babies mouth. Who the f thinks that’s ok. You should go and stick your fingers in her mouth.

I think that the in-laws lack of interest previously in you children does irk you and to be honest, it would me to a degree.

As for someone putting their fingers into a babies mouth!!!!!........how bloody stupid and irresponsible! Not acceptable and I would have been furious.

Try to rise above the irritation of baby being passed around though, but in your position, I would secretly want the infant to puke or have a poonami on one of them.........that'll teach 'em.💩😂

You can't be serious?!

You haven’t messed anything up. It’s fine. Definitely seek help but you haven’t done anything wrong.

Seen your update, I really hope you get some help quickly so that you can start to relax and enjoy the baby time. Step away from the thread and talk to some real life friends and family. They can help too. Don't be hard on yourself it's probably mostly hormones!

Good for you OP, good luck with the GP. Hopefully they're helpful (and if not try again in the new year).

Hi op, I think people are being very judgy on here. I felt exactly as you did. I hated people playing pass the parcel with with my baby. So I just spoke up and said I wasn't comfortable with it. Follow your instincts you don't need permission from other people, you're the mum and you know best. As your baby gets older you'll find you relax more around these things. It's perfectly OK and people need to respect your boundaries. Putting fingers in a baby's mouth is utterly disgusting. Best wishes to you you're doing a great job, you're a great mum.

It's good you are going to get help. Logically why would your SIL or any of your husbands family be more likely to breath germs onto your baby than you or your husband? Presumably you are not sealed in a germ free environment and are are just as likely to pick up an illness as anyone else. So it makes no difference who holds baby from thst point of view.
Babies are pretty hardy little creatures.

Well done on recognising this - and all best wishes in getting support x

I assume your husband allows his family to hold his baby, maybe he would like to ban his in-laws from holding his baby.
So many women forget how many parents a child has.

Dude, you need to get this nipped in the bud before it's out of control and you're a gibbering wreck.

Unfortunately the poster is probably perfectly serious, poor baby.

I do wish people would give up with this childish 'Playing pass the parcel' shite.

It's minimising completely normal human behaviour, which is to want to hold/cuddle/bond with a new family member.

And so many people seem to be forgetting this baby has TWO parents.

how is "swapping babies with your sisters when you want a cuddle" different to allowing others to hold your child?
other than your sisters will have their own germs and those of their children.

if you're that concerned about your children picking up germs, stop dragging them around pubs.

Your levels of anxiety are not normal. Seek some help.

I think they were serious too unfortunately.

Emotionless robotic type adults, tend to produce emotionless robotic type children.

No wonder so many people struggle with relationships when they're old enough to date/get married.