I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

[QuestioningThings1]

We met DHs family at the pub yesterday for Christmas drinks. I passed our 4month old over to DH while I took DD1 to the toilet, when I came back DD2 was being held by SIL. She had my baby right in front of her face so they weren’t kissing but sharing breath and I could have cried on the spot. I didn’t want to make a scene because no one was unwell and baby was happy but DH knows how I feel about germs. I’ve been extra paranoid lately as everyone is getting the flu and saying it’s the worst they’ve ever had it they’ve been bed bound etc. Then we get baby back and then DH is stood up with baby asking others if they want to hold her. MIL had her next at which point baby started crying, thank god I thought while saying I’ll take her back now thank you and I kept hold of her until we went. But again she was very close to her face. I had her on my knee in conversation with DH while his auntie spoke to baby and then when I looked she had her fingers in my babies mouth!! I quickly moved her away and said oh she’s teething and took her away at which point I said to DH I want to go home now. We’d been there 2 hours anyway and I was on the verge of tears at this point. We got home and I couldn’t sleep my heart was beating fast and it still is this morning. I feel so so guilty about not being able to say in front of everyone I don’t want my baby being passed round or not being able to say what the fuck are you doing putting your dirty hands in my babies mouth. I get DH just wants his family to bond with our kids but up until 6 months ago they have not been arsed with our kids and DD1 is 3. We see them for an hour once every 3 weeks. I fell out with DH as soon as we got home because I was so stressed and anxious and he knows how I feel about playing pass the parcel with the baby and I was stressed about the hands in the mouth thing so I guess I took that out on him as well even though that was my fault for not watching.

He said I do it with my family (play pass the parcel) but I don’t. If I need a wee or need to sort DD1 out I say to my family can you hold her while I do x, y or z. Both of my sister have just had babies and if I want a cuddle we will swap. I never walk into a room and say who wants a hold, I will always try and keep her with me when I can because I’m mum and I want her with me. Also with my family I can and do tell them often. ‘Don’t get too close to her face when you’re holding her’, ‘I can smell smoke on you so no sorry’ ‘Don’t kiss her thanks’ ‘Don’t put your hands in her mouth’. I have a very close relationship with my mum and sisters and they know my boundaries and I’m very comfortable to remind them if they forget. I don’t have that same relationship with my in laws, neither does DH. We have a lot of history of them not respecting boundaries and talking behind our backs because we’ve set boundaries and the last time we met up my FIL was coughing into his hands then holding my babies hand. My baby sucks her thumb so I had to take her to the toilets and wash her tiny hands and got upset after just in case anything passed. But again nothing was said to him, my fault again. I know if I say something it will probably jeopardise DHs relationship with his family and they’ve only just started making half an effort with him again.

I don’t know whether I’m just really hormonal still because my body feels like it’s going through a lot at this stage my skin has gone bad my hair is falling out but I don’t trust his family or feel comfortable when they hold my baby.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my in laws to hold my baby?!

If they asked to have a hold I think I’d feel differently but It’s always DH asking them

Wow - with kindness OP you don’t sound well and I think you need to seek some help with your anxiety and paranoia.
These family members will be helping to raise your child - they need to bond with baby too.
Don’t be selfish.

Yes, do this OP, you'll feel much better for it and you're less likely to pass your anxiety on to your children

If you already have a child at home, your baby will be exposed to all sorts of germs anyway.

Hey OP. I think it’s great you’re going to speak to the GP. But you don’t need to beat yourself up. That won’t help you or your family. You feel anxious - it won’t help to add anxiety about the negative impacts of that anxiety. What will help is taking steps to move towards more healthy behaviours.

take care xx

Definitely get some help. That level of anxiety must be so hard for you all to deal with.

Best to get some support now so that it doesn't impact on your children's childhoods and make them anxious wrecks by the time they're adults.

I'm surprised your DH hasn't already suggested it, is he just laid back (or lazy) or does he just not see how bad things have become?

Oh love that's not normal at all. You do need some help. Babies need some germs because they help build a strong immune system and it's simply impossible to avoid. Of course you'd have a point if anybody was streaming snot, coughing or covered in cold sores but otherwise, baby will be absolutely fine cuddling with those who love her.

I say this with every sympathy for how you are feeling, but you really need to seek support for this level of anxiety before your child goes to nursery/school. The germs your child will come into contact with every single day will put you in an early grave if you don't tackle this head on.

I do agree, no one should be putting their fingers in a child's mouth and that you should absolutely be saying something about but you can't stop family holding your child over a fear of them getting sick.

This really isn't healthy. You shouldn't have to deal with that level of anxiety, it will have such a knock on effect in other areas of your life/relationship.

Fair play to you OP for reflecting on the replies. I had DS during covid and was similarly terrified of germs, seeking professional help and support really helped.

Germs help build baby's immune system.

Hope you get the support you need from the doctors

I think you may need some help with your anxiety OP.

When I had my ds I wouldn't let anyone except me or ds' dad hold him. I wanted to rip into anyone who got too close and I refused to have visitors, but it was just hormones and it wore off at about 3-4 weeks.

By 4 months, I think that defence mechanism is supposed to have faded. Check with your health visitor.

Rubbish.

It's as much her husband's baby as it is the OPs.

And he wanted his family to hold his baby.

It's a shame he had to wait until the OP was out of the way, but she's made it obvious why.

Yes, but it's also her husband's baby. And he can allow his family to hold the child.

Good for you op. I hope it goes well x

I remember my friends boyfriend wouldn't shake my hand when we first met because of germs. I instantly felt so uncomfortable and embarrassed. I was in his home. If he had any cop on, he could have shook my hand and privately excused himself to wash his hands a minute later. It was so, so rude.
I cringe when I think of this. I felt like he saw me like a piece of dirt.

I think your behaviour is not fair on your husband or your baby.

4 months old or 4 days or 4 weeks.

You were in a pub !

you need to speak to someone asap, maybe start with your GP.

sadly you seem to have 2 rules - one for your sisters and one for his family

but why don't you use your words - ‘Don’t get too close to her face when you’re holding her’, ‘I can smell smoke on you so no sorry’ ‘Don’t kiss her thanks’ ‘Don’t put your hands in her mouth’. with his family ?!!!

Sorry but she clearly is presenting with anxiety and your post is just feeding the beast. We get told to do all kinds of things with our babies to keep them safe especially when they are v small but what OP has said in her next post about asking if people are well before she attends things ... that's health anxiety at least if not bordering on OCD. Reality is we do not live isolated and at some point a child will get sick despite all efforts to stop that - im in my early 40s so it's not an age thing at all and it is massively insulting to suggest - how on earth did your parents and grandparents manage to raise they kids???

If you don't have a sling, invest in one. They are brilliant for keeping little one snuggled up with you and prevent the pass the parcel game with babies.

I'm glad you started the thread OP, and that you're taking the advice on board.

Please don't feel bad, you haven't ruined everything (that's the anxiety talking again). The important thing is that you've recognised that you need some help with this, and you're willing to see your GP. Tell them everything you've told us and be open to their suggestions.

Good luck OP and have a lovely Christmas.

It’s fine to say no kissing hands or face and no fingers in mouth but it’s unreasonable not to allow them to hold her for no good reason.

This is a you thing, not a your baby thing and I hope you can successfully reduce your anxiety. Your baby will be crawling before you know and getting everywhere.

OP - if you’re on Mat leave from an employer, often your employer has an EAP (Employer Assistance Program) which may get you some support a bit quicker.

On the one hand, you’re absolutely right to protect your baby and there are so many germs going round this time of year. The problem with really young babies getting sick is the invasiveness of the tests that hospitals have to perform to determine the cause.

Also, it is true a lot of the generation before us weren’t educated on these matters. Similarly, we are probably now (in a post covid world) hyper-aware of some of these risks to our own detriment.

I think you need to be pragmatic with your approach, that being said. No kissing, no skanky fingers in babies mouth. Fine. But cuddles from healthy adults in the family is probably very low risk, and also beneficial for baby and you. If you have the kind of relationship with MIL where you can share your challenges openly then do. She is likely keen to be involved in babies life and can help support you. It takes a village to raise children and she may have experienced similar stresses when she had newborns.

if you are worried about germs pubs are not a good place to go to be honest, babies are more robust than you think to be honest.
but i agree with other posters I think you should talk to your GP or health visitor

The only thing that is going to harm your children is your mental health. Make it a priority for 2025 to get that under control

And to add when I come from a family (on both sides) that was basically one big ashtray - I was a healthy child and so far a healthy adult - I wouldn't have my own kids around smokers now but am not that naive @Cakeandcardio to actually to believe every interaction my child has especially in a family setting can be that controlled

Well done OP for taking advice on board. Best of luck going forward.

YABVU to not want them to hold the baby when they are her loving relatives. Don't you want them to show her love and affection? She's 4 months, not 4 hours old!

YANBU about the fingers it the mouth. I'd just tell them straight on that one "I'd prefer it if you didn't put your fingers in her mouth, please."

You sound very tense and stressed, by the way, do you think you may have a touch of PND? It's not normal for your heart to still be racing thinking about something like that.