Page 7 | To go nuclear on my DB and SIL

Upsetorjustpregnant · 2024-12-23T08:56:52+00:00

Aghhh!!! Where do I start??? My two brothers and their families are home from abroad for Christmas for the first time in about 15 years. I live 10 minutes from my parents. We were all excited and had plans made. My Mum in particular was very excited. She was stressed too at the thought of having them all there with 7 extra people in the house (in particular said SIL, as she can be tough work to have around constantly….just different views etc). This brother and SIL and their kids landed late Saturday night and announced yesterday that they’re actually going away for the few days over Christmas. My Mum text me last night to say they wouldn’t be around for our Christmas Eve dinner, which I was hosting for everyone. She’s very upset. As am I. I was awake all night thinking of it. I haven’t actually seen them yet as they landed late Saturday night, and we were at a party for my husband’s family yesterday. I’ll be going to my parents house in the next hour or so and feel like letting loose at my DB and SIL. my SIL doesn’t celebrate Christmas which we respect, bar the presents and the food we don’t celebrate the religious side of it. Like why come home at Christmas time and then not sit through a bloody family dinner. And make a point of it by booking time away two nights after they land?!!?!?!?

Clipclopflop · 23/12/2024 12:02

The original post says nothing about not staying for Christmas dinner. It is aboyt them not going to a meal the SIL planned on Christmas Eve.

Calliecarpa · 23/12/2024 12:03

SilverBlueRabbit · 23/12/2024 11:59

The relevance is that I am explaining how it feels to be micromanaged and to have plans made all around you when you have no input and often no awareness of those plans being made and other peoples expectations of you. I am giving my personal experience of it, so the OP might think about it from her SIL and DBs perspective.

Is it really so completely unfathomable for the brother and his wife that they might be expected to spend at least part of Christmas with his own mother? Is that really being 'micromanaged'? It's not as though the OP said that they have every minute of the festive season planned out for them.

Bleachbum · 23/12/2024 12:04

It all depends upon whether or not anyone communicated with SIL in the run up to the trip to confirm plans.

My MIL always contacts me in the run up to Christmas, birthdays, holidays etc. to sort out arrangements and movements. Maybe it’s just in my circle, but it’s pretty normal for the women in the families to be the reliable planners. The men just tend to go with the flow.

If you/your DM had already confirmed plans in advance with SIL and this is a last minute change then I’d be pretty pissed off. But if you had either only confirmed with your DB or not confirmed at all in advance then you only have yourselves to blame.

Clipclopflop · 23/12/2024 12:09

Why did your brother move to Austrailia?

Prior to no contact becoming mainstream, it used to be a more diplomatic way of doing it 😂

phoenixrosehere · 23/12/2024 12:10

Calliecarpa · 23/12/2024 12:03

Is it really so completely unfathomable for the brother and his wife that they might be expected to spend at least part of Christmas with his own mother? Is that really being 'micromanaged'? It's not as though the OP said that they have every minute of the festive season planned out for them.

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We don’t know what their plans are and neither does OP. OP doesn’t seem to know the situation herself but is wanting to go all guns blazing because she doesn’t like her SiL and her mum is upset. Bet she’ll come back with some massive drip feed.

If OP was really in the know and had talked to her brother, she would have said she has, not just said she heard from her mum that her brother was doing xyz.

My own DH talks to his siblings every week and his mum several times, and she’ll tell him things that his siblings are doing and he’ll tell her he knows because he talks to them.

LBFseBrom · 23/12/2024 12:14

Presumably they'll be back after their two nights away and still within the Christmas season.

Shimmyshimmyshimmy · 23/12/2024 12:16

You clearly don’t like your SIL and refer to the fact she’s from ‘another religion.’ I’d imagine she doesn’t want to sit around feeling judged by you and your family for a few days.

Blogswife · 23/12/2024 12:17

Had DB & SIL accepted your invite or was it just assumed that they’d be there ?
If they’ve accepted then they’re rude and I’d make a comment about the fact that all of the food etc has been purchased and DM was looking forward to it.
If assumed then you can’t say a thing. They obviously have different plans so just let them get on with it. You may find you and DM enjoy it more without the difficult SIL about

WidgetDigit2022 · 23/12/2024 12:29

Thats poor form of them, very rude.

Id have to say something to brother so he knows the consequences on you and mum, I’d then mirror their effort. Ie, not bother.

Calliecarpa · 23/12/2024 12:34

Shimmyshimmyshimmy · 23/12/2024 12:16

You clearly don’t like your SIL and refer to the fact she’s from ‘another religion.’ I’d imagine she doesn’t want to sit around feeling judged by you and your family for a few days.

Why are you claiming the OP said the SIL was from 'another religion' in quotation marks as though she wrote those words that you've made up? What the OP said was that she and her family don't celebrate the religious aspects of Christmas, in common with most British people these days, I imagine.

dreamer24 · 23/12/2024 12:36

ErickBroch · 23/12/2024 09:38

You think SIL is difficult (fair enough she probably is) so why would you care? This sounds like a great result.

I thought the exact same!

Maddy70 · 23/12/2024 12:36

Calliecarpa · 23/12/2024 11:57

What's the relevance of this story to the OP's post? She's talking about her close family, her brother and their mother, not some random third cousin or parents' friends.

I often just want to see the people who matter most

Exactly. The OP thinks, quite rightly, that her mother should be one of 'the people who matter most' to her brother at Christmas.

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They are staying with the mother. Ahe will ase lots of them

User860131 · 23/12/2024 12:40

if you describe SIL as tough work then chances are high that this feeling is reciprocal....
How on earth in today's age of modern technology do none of you have a clue what's going on 2 days before Christmas?! Have none of you asked on the family whatsapp group 'just remind me again DB and SIL when are you planning on being in our neck of the woods again? Will you be around xmas eve for a meal?' It's not clear from your OP has this all been said and they've backed out last minute? Or was it just assumed that they'd be available for you to summon at will? Because that's 2 very different scenarios.

Calliecarpa · 23/12/2024 12:42

Maddy70 · 23/12/2024 12:36

They are staying with the mother. Ahe will ase lots of them

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So they're not being 'micromanaged' and forced to spend their entire time in the UK visiting random people they barely know, which was the point of my response to another poster.

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 12:45

Upsetorjustpregnant · 23/12/2024 09:03

“Nuclear” is probably a strong term. I won’t go nuclear but I think we’re very upset at the last minute nature of it all. It’s just shows us that my SIL’s preference takes precedence. We have always, or at the very least tried to as no one is perfect, respect her. We’re feeling like they couldn’t manage one day of a family meal that’s important to the rest of us.

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Your SIL is q nasty. What a horrible thing to do to your mum. I have 3 brothers abroad and tbh there are no circumstances this would happen in. On the plus side the horrible cow won't be there to darken the mood. I'd be angrier at my brother tbqh, he must be weak as water

MultilingualMummy · 23/12/2024 12:47

Really not understanding why your SIL gets the blame for this? Surely this falls on your brother? If this is what your SIL has been dealing with I’m not surprised she’s not interested in spending time with your family.

Joleyne · 23/12/2024 12:53

EmmaMaria · 23/12/2024 11:27

Well none of you actually appear to have invited them to anything - just assumed they'd turn up. And your SIL is not doubt very much aware that you all dislike her. So why would she want to play "happy families" with you? It's also interesting that she is getting the blame. I assume your brother can think for himself and must also not be keen on the idea, since he's part of the arrangements.

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The title of the thread clearly says "my DB and my SIL".

Original poster

Upsetorjustpregnant · 23/12/2024 12:54

Patienceinshortsupply · 23/12/2024 11:50

MN is the only place in existence where people behave really shittily and yet posters pop up defending their behaviour. Makes you wonder what their own is like....

OP I would message your DB and just say you wish they'd let you know their plans as the whole family had assumed their attendance and you have planned/shopped accordingly. And it's incredibly rude to stay with people over Christmas then announce you're not spending time with them.

That pretty much sums it up. Of course everyone is free to do what they wish. They’re adults. But to what end. It has upset everyone but everyone is just trying to carry on to avoid a major argument or fall out.
Of course when people fly from across the world at Christmas you assume they are going to spend, ya know, actual Christmas with them.
My poor Mum is bawling behind closed doors and then pretending to everyone else that everything is fine. My dad is livid and is trying to keep it all together. My other brother just asked, in private to me, why bother coming at this time at all if that’s what you were going to do.
my husband has said, of all the options available, this one is the one that inflicts the most pain on people, just so my brother and SIL get to do what they want. And my brother doesn’t even want to leave. But what can he do? Of course he’s going to go with his wife and kids.
If they had come at the end of this week no one would have batted an eye. We’d have all been delighted. As other people have said, whether it’s the 25th or the 28th who cares. It’s the manner in which this has been done.

OP posts:

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 23/12/2024 12:54

OP, did your brothers and their families know about and accept these arrangements you and your mum made for Christmas Eve and Day? It's extraordinary to pull out at such short notice, and not to have mentioned that they would be away over Christmas. It makes me wonder if something has happened very recently to make them want to change their plans. Perhaps a falling out with someone in your family or an appeal/guilt trip on the part of SIL's, for example.
Nothing would be achieved by having a row with them, but you could point out how disappointing this is for all of you, especially your mum, and ask if something has happened; also you could ask them to spend some quality time with Mum and the rest of the family when they get back.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 23/12/2024 12:57

So you've spoken to your brother then? What did he say?

NiftyPeachDreamer · 23/12/2024 12:57

Upsetorjustpregnant · 23/12/2024 12:54

That pretty much sums it up. Of course everyone is free to do what they wish. They’re adults. But to what end. It has upset everyone but everyone is just trying to carry on to avoid a major argument or fall out.
Of course when people fly from across the world at Christmas you assume they are going to spend, ya know, actual Christmas with them.
My poor Mum is bawling behind closed doors and then pretending to everyone else that everything is fine. My dad is livid and is trying to keep it all together. My other brother just asked, in private to me, why bother coming at this time at all if that’s what you were going to do.
my husband has said, of all the options available, this one is the one that inflicts the most pain on people, just so my brother and SIL get to do what they want. And my brother doesn’t even want to leave. But what can he do? Of course he’s going to go with his wife and kids.
If they had come at the end of this week no one would have batted an eye. We’d have all been delighted. As other people have said, whether it’s the 25th or the 28th who cares. It’s the manner in which this has been done.

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You say your brother doesn’t want to leave so he could tell his wife that she takes the kids and he stays with his parents.

But sounds like he’s either in on the plans and blaming his wife to his family or he’s a coward for not saying anything.

Either way, I wouldn’t bother going to see him at all.

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 12:57

Upsetorjustpregnant · 23/12/2024 12:54

That pretty much sums it up. Of course everyone is free to do what they wish. They’re adults. But to what end. It has upset everyone but everyone is just trying to carry on to avoid a major argument or fall out.
Of course when people fly from across the world at Christmas you assume they are going to spend, ya know, actual Christmas with them.
My poor Mum is bawling behind closed doors and then pretending to everyone else that everything is fine. My dad is livid and is trying to keep it all together. My other brother just asked, in private to me, why bother coming at this time at all if that’s what you were going to do.
my husband has said, of all the options available, this one is the one that inflicts the most pain on people, just so my brother and SIL get to do what they want. And my brother doesn’t even want to leave. But what can he do? Of course he’s going to go with his wife and kids.
If they had come at the end of this week no one would have batted an eye. We’d have all been delighted. As other people have said, whether it’s the 25th or the 28th who cares. It’s the manner in which this has been done.

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Your husband's assessment is absolutely correct. Unless your brother is I an abusive relationship in which case he needs support he really needs to grows a pair, these antics are a real knife to the heart especially for your poor parents. SIL wants a showdown so absolutely kill the bitch with kindness

dutysuite · 23/12/2024 12:59

I wouldn’t say anything it’s there choice. I also wondered if your SIL even knew about the Christmas Eve meal? My inlaws don’t run anything past me I’m not even in the family WhatsApp group that all the other BIL and SIL are part of, if things are happening I usually find out about it right at the last minute and by then I’ve made other plans, I am then blamed for not showing up or for being the one to have stopped my husband from going when that’s not the case at all! Communication is key.

NiftyPeachDreamer · 23/12/2024 13:01

dutysuite · 23/12/2024 12:59

I wouldn’t say anything it’s there choice. I also wondered if your SIL even knew about the Christmas Eve meal? My inlaws don’t run anything past me I’m not even in the family WhatsApp group that all the other BIL and SIL are part of, if things are happening I usually find out about it right at the last minute and by then I’ve made other plans, I am then blamed for not showing up or for being the one to have stopped my husband from going when that’s not the case at all! Communication is key.

Wow so they’re not even including their son in their plans?

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 13:01

dutysuite · 23/12/2024 12:59

I wouldn’t say anything it’s there choice. I also wondered if your SIL even knew about the Christmas Eve meal? My inlaws don’t run anything past me I’m not even in the family WhatsApp group that all the other BIL and SIL are part of, if things are happening I usually find out about it right at the last minute and by then I’ve made other plans, I am then blamed for not showing up or for being the one to have stopped my husband from going when that’s not the case at all! Communication is key.

Come right off it fgs they are flying in from abroad for Christmas ffs what planet are some of you on. It's not 20 mins up the road it's transcontinental travel at the most expensive time of the year. Honestly, the resistance on here to see what's in front of your eyes takes me to the fair