To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

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I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

Print out a bill for everything she’s about to receive/consume on the day, tie it up
with ribbon and leave it next to her cracker.
Tell her you only take cash in advance.

This!

Have they ever invited you over? Just wonder what kind of hosts they are…

I hate stinginess more than anything. I would just keep replying with a cold ‘no’ this time and then never invite them again.

please update us…

You don't need to talk to her before hand or stress over it. Just call her out infront of everyone everytime she says anything. She tells people not to eat you say I made this food for everyone not just you if you want leftovers I suggest you buy and cook the food. As for the Christmas presents just say why would I give you my Christmas presents there mine you have your own

BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed

Maybe she should stop doing embarrassing things then?

Honestly, it's tedious but I think you need to vocally push back every time. "Um, no - obviously you can't take home my presents". "No you can't have the leftovers, we bought it so any leftovers are for our lunches". "If you like xyz so much, maybe you and BIL should treat yourselves to some, it came from abc". It will either stop her doing it or stop her coming!

Totally feel for you - I think you and DH should absolutely take a hard line - ‘no, you can’t have the left overs, I’m planning to make a casserole/bubble and squeak with them tomorrow’ and ‘No you can’t have our gifts and frankly, SIL, it’s rude to ask, so stop asking!’ Don’t engage beyond that but make your line in the sand very clear. Get your DH to do the same. You’ll only have to do ti a couple of times as she should stop - and if it embarrasses her or makes her feel uncomfortable, well tough, karma and all that.

And I’d not invite them next year - BiL needs to take responsibility for not reining her in.

I would approach it collectively beforehand. Set up a group chat with her, Dh and BIL. Just say that you wanted to be clear that you're letting all leftovers to have over the rest of the Christmas period and no food will be leaving the house. If you can get your dh to send the message instead, so much the better since they're his family. Also add the same goes for presents.

If this is real, Just keep saying:
Don't be daft
Don't be silly
Of course you can't
And repeat.

I know, but it's mayhem in the shops and often difficult to get a turkey unless you've ordered it in advance. And they might be working today and tomorrow.

She would deserve such treatment, but if it were me I'd rather avoid something that drastic. It might cause a long-standing rift. I'd prefer the various other options that have been sugested. If they don't work this year, then don't invite her next year.

OP why is this your issue to deal with? Why aren't the two other people (your BIL and your DH) getting ahead of it and dealing with it instead?

There's your answer. Just don't invite her. If not inviting her isn't an option ie Christmas then NO is your only word.

Can I have .. NO and repeat.

Your SIL brags about getting everything for free, so saying NO wont embarrass her in the least. Your BIL doesn’t want you pulling her up though, is he freebie mad by proxy?

Fuck that, you have a right to tell her to stop hassling people, I would tell her to stop being so Queen Mary, and everytime she starts with the “gimmee gimmee” you could pull her up saying “now now Mary stop that” or “no gimmee gimmee” it turns it into a joke so there is no bad feelings but it’s still telling her to stop behaving badly, make it a game so everyone joins in.
You don’t have to worry about inviting them then and if Bil says anything just tell him it’s fucking rude to act like a child in a candy shop and to hassle people for the skin off your custard. He can’t tell people what they can or can’t say to her to her blatant begging nor turn a blind eye so he doesn’t feel humiliated when she gets told off. He can tell her to stop behaving badly else he will mix with everyone by himself.

Presumably because the behaviour doesn’t bother them as much as it bothers OP.

A lot of men have a habit of tolerating stuff if it means avoiding family confrontation.

She definitely has some kind of odd complex. How weird, I’ve never met anyone like this. Kind of fascinating.

agree with others, say no on repeat. Also never offer any more leftovers to take home ever again. Set up a new status quo

Bladder 🤣 and the mountain of to dos before Xmas. You?

Personally if that happened once in my home there wouldn't be a twice and I wouldn't be waiting till next year,they wouldn't be coming this year.

I wonder if she’s a hoarder. House full of free but useless crap. It sounds obsessive compulsive to me.

@HotCrossBunplease well kind of my point, adding emotional labour to OP though and I think if it was me I'd send a warning shot over DH and BIL ....with a message saying if you don't get this handled I'm going to embarrass the shit out of her.

How old is she? How very very odd and annoying!

yanbu. This behaviour is so bizarre.

BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed
I’d be saying to bil “you need to have a word before you come to make sure she doesn’t say these things. Otherwise we are going to call it out ourselves because it’s completely unreasonable behaviour that makes everyone else uncomfortable and we don’t want that in our home on Christmas Day. If she gets embarrassed then that’s just the natural consequence of saying these things to people and she’ll have to decide whether she’d rather avoid being embarrassed or keep trying to scrounge from others when she has no need to.

Yeah, I imagine nothing short of her threatening not to cook the dinner will make them give a shit about OP’s emotional wellbeing.

Did your DH ask you first about inviting them?

Surely if you say something about it and she gets embarrassed then she will stop? She should be embarrassed, it's embarrassing behaviour.

I was wondering this too.

I would be either getting your husband to speak to his brother about it and if his brother cannot speak to his wife about her behaviour, saying they are not welcome.

Gong forward stop giving her food to take away. Start as you mean to go on.

When she says she wants the left overs say "Take no notice of sil, she's on the scroung again, have as much as you like". When she asks for your presents say "Give it a rest with the grabby comments sil, you've got your own presents to open, you'd jump in my grave given half the chance".
She really sounds quite annoying an possibly unwell.