To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

[Addyview]

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

Your SIL sounds mentally ill. Seriously, that is nowhere near normal behaviour. Whatever the cause, you need to address this situation properly and, if that means uninviting them, that is what you should do.

please don't ask people to hold back when they're eating so she can have plenty of leftovers - because she won't be given any leftovers to take home, they are wanted for your family's future meals
yes absolutely this - if she mentions leftovers “we’ll be keeping all the leftovers as we’ve put a lot of time and money into this food so we’ll be enjoying the leftovers here for the next few days, I’m sure you understand.”

I assume it's BIL who gets embarrassed when people point out his wife's batshit behaviour, not SIL. And he's trying to avoid the unpleasant feeling by pressuring everyone else to just put up with it, and then he can relax. Probably the best way to deal with this is to tell him that she will absolutely be told this time that trying to bagsy all of someone else's food and possessions is inappropriate and rude, and leave the rest to him.

Of course, my fantasy response would be to leave the room, come back with an armful of shopping bags, and say "yes SIL of course, have ALL the things!" and start decluttering and shoving bags of crap at her. " No, take it, take it, it's all yours! Everything! Take it all! I don't even know why we have stuff, we don't need any of it! Wait, let me go round to next door, I'll tell them you are coming round to empty their kitchen cupboards" etc. 😂

I don't think it would be a good idea to say, when she asks for leftovers, that you are planning to eat them on Boxing Day/freeze them, etc.

Pointedly offering more helpings to everyone else would be better, otherwise the other guests will feel they shouldn't take any more because you won't have anything to eat on Boxing Day.

Probably the best way to deal with this is to tell him that she will absolutely be told this time that trying to bagsy all of someone else's food and possessions is inappropriate and rude, and leave the rest to him.

I agree. Tell him you will be telling his wife that she can't have leftovers or other people's presents if she asks, so it would be a good idea for him to pre-empt it by asking her not to ask.

If he feels he can't ask her it doesn't say much about their marriage.

And I would be firm but polite and say no to her requests.

This is legitimately crazy behaviour and why the fuck does Bil think anyone cares about EMBARASSING HER? If she turns up, before you sit down to eat, say have a wonderful dinner everyone, eat as much as you like, and just to note for Sarah <sil> there will. be. no. doggy. bags.

Gosh, she seems to have taken meanness to a whole new level! I imagine yur brother-in-law is the embarrassed one, not her, no doubt he cringes in advance of what his wife might say.

She must be like that with everyone, somebody has to tell her to stop.

I wouldn't let it spoil my Christmas, or anyone else's. If she does come to yours and starts, just shut her down, divert the conversation, make a joke of it and move on. Or else tell her straight in private, which is what you are considering.

I've met many people who seem to be overly careful but this is a different thing altogether, sounds like an obsession.

The first time she asks say 'No- you are getting nothing to take home- food or anything else so don't ask again.'
If she asks again get her coat.

I would call her and speak to her in advance. Ignore BIL's advice. After all, he's ignoring your discomfort. If she's embarrassed, the embarrassment is self-inflicted. She doesn't sound right, though.

Stop inviting her then. When they question why they are never invited out just say that you were taking SIL at her word, that she would rather not be invited anywhere than have to pay her fair share and as you aren’t willing to fund them this is the consequence.

Have a word or send a text today about please don’t ask for my gifts or leftovers, can we just enjoy each others company and then over Christmas…
Can I have your gift-no, we already discussed this
Can I have leftovers-no, we already discussed this
Don’t eat it all, I’m taking that home-no you’re not, no, we already discussed this

Fuck what your BIL says, to just put up with it. Call it out.

Exactly…
She behaves or she doesn’t come. There is no way I would be putting up with her asking for my Christmas gifts and leftovers…it would ruin my day.

"Please stop asking to take our stuff home with you, I find it quite annoying and rude"

Say this every time.

Not read many PPs but wanted to say she is awful. Give her copy of Dickens '''A Christmas Carol''. Did she have very deprived childhood? Anyway she's an embarrassment to family - needs counselling?

Withdraw your offer or embarrass her. It’s good BIL says she does get embarrassed because this can be sorted. When she tells people not to eat so she can have leftovers ‘No everyone eat what you want,it’s not here for Jane to squirrel up a take home. More Steve?’ When she asks for stuff ‘that’s really quite rude Jane, I’ve only just been given that. Maybe wait a week before you try and nab it.’ Really make it uncomfortable for her, hopefully she’ll leave.

You could speak to your BIL before and tell him you won’t be accepting her usual behaviour so it’s up to him to decide if they come or not.

BIL's out of order expecting you to ignore her behaviour. She's being breathtakingly cheeky!

Personally I think your DH should have a word with BIL and ask him to talk to her. If either of them get miffed, well, they can feel free to not attend! She can't be allowed to ruin Christmas with this bizarre behaviour. If she's like this all year round I don't even know how your BIL puts up with it!

Treat her like a toddler.

No this is a gift for me / them.

No we are not sending leftovers.

No, this is for everyone.

‘Sandra, no. Nobody is taking anything home except their own stuff so knock it off, greedy guts.’

@Addyview after people have sat down and before food is served, get all their attention and announce that there are no doggie bags today for anyone!!!!

Just say, I am sorry but I already have recipes planned for what is left over. Sorry, but we love our presents and will definitely use them. You don't need to be rude just keep repeating the same polite answer. She'll get the message in the end and will need to shut up for the sake of propriety. If she doesn't, you know you are dealing with someone with a problem.

I do think talking to BiL might be the key to this.
He says not to talk to her about it as she gets embarrassed. Well tell him she is not going to have any leftovers to take home is not getting any of your presents and you are sick of her scrounging ruining Christmas. If she can’t behave them if might be better if they don’t come. Because if she starts she will be told in no uncertain terms.
Someone is going to get upset but why should it be you?

Wrap up a really awful/embarrassing ‘gift’ to yourself. Say it’s from a work secret Santa. She can have that one 🤣

Seriously though, it’s too late to uninvite them at this stage. Just keep telling her no. What does your BIL expect you to do, seriously? Let her have everything she requests? Maybe you can completely ignore her requests, as if you can’t hear them?

Did she not have much growing up? It might explain her behaviour a little.

I would just be honest with her and BIL

If she's got the front to openly say she doesn't to to pay her shares for a family meal as she's not interested, than she won't be embarrassed if she gets pulled up on her scrounging.
It's BIL who is embarrassed about his wife's behaviour.

"Did you mean to be so rude?" "Did you mean to make me uncomfortable?" "Did you mean to undermine me in my own house in front of my friends and family?" "Did you mean to be so impolite and upset me?" "Did you mean to take pleasure out of me opening my presents from my beloved partner/sister/mum?" Every single time she does it call her out with a "did you mean to....?" sentence so that you draw attention to her behaviour and make her answer for herself. As soon as lunch is over make it known that it's time for everyone to go home (you can let all your other guests know that they are welcome to stay). And don't ever allow your husband to invite them again.

I don't think you should tell her how or how not to behave. But every time she claims or asks for something tell her exactly how you feel.