To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

[Addyview]

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

OMG please don’t ever give her anything again unless it’s meant for her. If she asks for leftovers just say no, we’re having them tomorrow and don’t invite her out for meals again because she’s admitted she won’t pay.

Gah OP this sounds fully enraging. I have a wild suggestion which might be worth a shot?
Could you specifically allocate some leftovers to her? So it’s not a no, but a controlled yes, like I do with my toddler (I mean that in the nicest possibly way). Eg “Don’t worry SIL, I’ll pack up the leftover stuffing just for you”.

And then you can keep playing that card: “Don’t listen to SIL everyone, eat as much as you like, I’ve already set up her leftovers box”.

I don’t have any suggestions for the presents issue though - this is next level and I wish you luck!

Goodness me, I’d be strapping on my armour to go into battle with this one! She sounds like a right grabby cow.

An anologe clock will bexat 5.05 twice a day
Or has this gone completely over my head? I mean, Ive had a couple of Emva Cream sherries... 😀

I would never have her over, not even for a visit let alone Christmas. She seems proud of her greedy, selfish behaviour and sounds thoroughly nasty. What do you get out of having her there? And why did your husband ask them around without asking you? I'd cancel altogether, even at short notice. It might wake BIL enough to address the issue or get rid of her.

”she basically told us she would rather we didn't invite her than expect her to fork out any money for things she's not interested in.”

There’s your answer. Don’t invite this parasite to your house.

Can you let us know what happens? Like someone said, I too thought it was someone much older and set in their ways

I can't believe she's embarrassed when pulled up about her behaviour otherwise the embarrassment would stop her even behaving like this. Sounds like she's alwaya been like this and interesting about her mum not liking it either.

Please be honest I got trolled yesterday by commenting on a similar post (taking home the turkey roll).
This is worse and so incredibly rude, she needs to be pulled up.
Good luck OP and enjoy your food, gifts and day.

It’s the only way

I think it's worth considering using your manager being a guest to make your point. For example, "my manager from work will be there, so please don't do xyz, because they might think it's not normal"

From past experience, there is no way of avoiding causing offence in someone like this, but if you do it in advance, if they get mad they can cancel and not turn up, whereas doing it in person has a higher risk of an unpleasant scene in front of everyone else.

Lots of suggestions or you could just say, before you ask ive already done you a doggy bag to take home, now please let everyone enjoy their meals. As for presents say if theres anything i don't like I'll wrap it up for you next Christmas, save me paying money out. Plus id warn people beforehand about what shes like and say just ignore her.

Wrap her up a plastic takeaway container of food, dessert all nicely packed up, another with gravy in a bag, plastic cutlery in a bag with a bow and that can be her present. All wrapped up in Christmas paper.

You need to make it clear, but do so with humour, what she is doing is a little odd, but may have come from a childhood of need, or perhaps in her own clumsy way she is trying to show appreciation. Either way it's not ok to be on the scrounge constantly...

Why bother inviting them in the first place? Since it's clearly too late to cancel them coming, take her to the side and tell her that no one likes that she constantly does that, so please don't ruin Christmas by asking for everything or claiming everything. She's a grown arse woman for goodness sake!

Just say that you’ll be using all the leftovers yourselves. End of.

Hope you got a good resolution @Addyview and have an enjoyable Xmas Day.

How did the conversation go OP?

Hi You could not have made thus story up .
It is so buzarre. At the risk of sounding mean. Is this women suffering from some kind if Mental illness or trauma. Think phobia or trauma

If not she needs to be given a proper dressing down in front of evetybody. Who does she think she is? What an ahole.

Could you let us know how it goes today @Addyview ?
Not making light of your dilemma, but this saga has more bite to it than Cindy Beale being outed on Eastenders!
Your Scrooge SIL could get a job as the pantomime baddie. ‘That’s mine’ could be her catchphrase!

You need to talk to husband and BIL and explain this has actually kept you up all night on Christmas Eve due to the anxiety of her coming with her Scrooge attitude. That you can’t do this to your mental health for her to feel that her behaviour is not ok. She is a scrounger who is prob at home right now getting excited about the freebies coming her way. When she says don’t eat too much I want some to take home, you all need to say no and say no the host keeps the left overs, that is our boxingd day dinner considering I spent my Christmas Day cooking for you all.. so I can relax tomorrow.
with presents comment how rude that is, she puts the water works on just carry on and ignore her. She is a grown woman and can manage her own emotions and shitty attitude. Do not accept it. She is clearly giving you anxiety, and for me personally if someone messes with my mental health due to their behaviour then they are gone, life is too short to live in misery for someone who doesn’t give a 💩. Enjoy your day and walk out the room every single time she starts the 💩 or put on your own water show! Make a point of how much planning and effort and how much you looking forward to a stress cooking free day tomorrow. She asked for your presents… then just say can I not even have my gift either.. she will soon be shamed and really if they leave is it that much of a big deal? Enjoy your Christmas stand firm and if it causes problems remember you are not the one causing the problems she is. If she has too much to say then say the cost of living is high you stopped inviting her over due to not being able to pay and prepare her seconds she requests to take home, CF tbh. Be strong and relax remembering she is the one who has to change her ways don’t let her be spoiled in your home. The worst of it is she sounds the type that when she gets something for free or reduced price.. she probably brags about it to others, and possibly addicted to the adrenaline of it all. That is a HER problem not yours or anyone else’s. Merry Christmas and have a happy new year when it comes x (I’d also say to her she is being a bad example to the children you do not want them to act so spoiled)

Does she have some form of OCD, where she cannot stand the thought of waste and takes it upon herself to consume and use what she thinks might end up in the bin? Like an extreme form of advocating sustainability and minimal waste.

Does that make it OK?
Anyway, it's not waste she asks for, it's food people are eating and presents that OP is opening.
I hate all this shit that every bad behaviour must be because of a mental illness! Sometimes people are just dickheads, and they absolutely should be called on it!

I’ve been thinking about this.., probably too late, but you should get everyone primed to wait until she has her plate loaded up with food and a forkful ready to go into her grabby gob, then everyone to get their forks ready and ask her “Do you want that bit?”; “Are you going to have that?”; “Ooooh, that’s the best bit - don’t you want it?” And all stab at her plate. Then when she’s opening presents, everyone do much the same… pick up her presents and oooh and aaaah over them, saying “Oy, Sandra - these are your favourites aren’t they? Here you go… You don’t mind, do you Aunty Kath?” Turn the tables on her.

How's it going, OP?

She sounds totally unhinged!