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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

761 replies

Addyview · 23/12/2024 04:03

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

OP posts:
Jorge14 · 24/12/2024 18:59

Just say no to her, if she says don’t finish all that I’m taking some home, just say no your not & if she asks for your presents just say no. Get your husband to back you up so it’s not just you & she will get the message. If she thinks you are being rude, she has no grounds for this, you have the right to say no to things. Some people are crazy & have no shame

Annonymiss123 · 24/12/2024 18:59

I think today will be an awkward phone call to BIL to let him know it's either got to be addressed and her told no or they can't come.

How was your phone call received @Addyview?

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 24/12/2024 19:08

You should tell your BIL that you will be invoicing him separately after dinner for everything she claims, since he enables her behaviour. That way, she's happy, you're reimbursed for everything and BIL gets to have a happy wife.

Or, just pally up with everyone before dinner and tell everyone to say No to her.

Clarabell77 · 24/12/2024 19:08

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 23/12/2024 04:07

This is keeping you awake at 4am on December 23rd, it definitely needs addressed. I think I would have to say something too.

The questions I would be asking of myself first are - Is she entirely well? Is BIL covering something up? Her behaviour sound’s very testing and strange.

My first thought was this person has some sort of mental health issue.

SlowestHorse · 24/12/2024 19:15

Guest100 · 23/12/2024 04:48

I would just say no. If she asks for a gift you just received just say no I love this, thank you ….. With the left overs I would say no that’s our dinner tonight. If she keeps on at you ask her if her ears are painted on. After Christmas you need to tell your DH they are not coming over again.

“Ears painted on” snort snort I LOVE this

TiredCatLady · 24/12/2024 19:26

Fuck it. She gets embarrassed because she’s a scrounger? Well then embarrass the hell out of her. And don’t cave to the tears. FFS Asking for your presents, what a CF.

TheTavern · 24/12/2024 19:33

When I started reading your post I assumed your SIL was 65+ but no, she’s late 20s. This needs to be sorted because you could have years of this, given her age! If your BIL says don’t mention it because it embarrasses her, then I would say ‘excellent-so if we embarrass her will she stop?’. Does he think it’s ok for her to cause an awkward unpleasantness at the Christmas dinner table for everyone else? Is he not embarrassed by her behaviour? I would be mortified if my spouse behaved like that. She is so selfish that she doesn’t care that her obsessive meanness ripples through everyone else’s Christmas enjoyment. Your DH needs to talk to his brother and make it clear that her behaviour is not acceptable in your house.

usernother · 24/12/2024 19:39

Every single thing she asks for, just say 'No'. Just the one word. To every thing.

saraclara · 24/12/2024 19:41

When I started reading your post I assumed your SIL was 65+

Why @TheTavern ?

Hwi · 24/12/2024 19:56

Never heard anything like that before! She must be sick.

Maddy70 · 24/12/2024 20:05

Just say no... other people need a share

Lavenderflower · 24/12/2024 20:11

I wonder if there is more to this? It sounds like she may a mental health condition or a trauma response. Perhaps your brother in law knows more than what you let on.

Bodeganights · 24/12/2024 20:12

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 23/12/2024 06:11

5.05 is a perfectly reasonable time to be awake!

I get up for work at 5.15. It is never a reasonable time. I also did not know there were two 5 o'clocks in a day jk

Finetoday · 24/12/2024 20:32

1st reply nails it 💯!

Danielle9891 · 24/12/2024 20:33

RampantIvy · 23/12/2024 05:51

"Please don't embarrass yourself by asking. The answer is no"

This is the best answer. I'd say it in front of everyone if she starts again.

HBiz · 24/12/2024 20:45

So you’ve been told not to call her out on her behaviour because she’d be embarrassed. Good, she should be embarassed. This behaviour isn’t acceptable - call it out each and every time

Laurmolonlabe · 24/12/2024 20:53

You should never give her any leftovers, make it clear to her when she arrives the food has been carefully planned and I will be using any that is left over. Be very firm if she makes a play for any presents as well, if your BIL is right and she gets embarrassed she'll get the message, if she doesn't then I'm afraid you need to uninvite her. your BIL sound supportive on the surface but he is enabling her, and making excuses hoping they won't be excluded.
Whether they struggle or are well off is not the point ,this is a psychological problem- you mustn't let her take anything as enabling her will just make her worse- and your life miserable. Your BIL and his wife need to agree not to do this if you are to keep inviting them.

CoraPirbright · 24/12/2024 20:58

When she arrives, say “oh that’s a lovely coat SIL. Is it new? I think I will have that. And your skirt is nice too - I’ll have that as well. Do you want to step out of it now for me to take? You wont mind spending the day in your tights, will you?”

When she says “are you mad?” Then you can say - “right, well, let’s have none of this nonsense about other people’s presents and the food. You didnt pay for any of it and it will all either be in our guests stomachs or staying put here. OK?”

Might get the message across.

Minc · 24/12/2024 21:01

Every piece of food she lays claim to, pull the entire dish towards you and stuff it all into your mouth with your hands, maintaining blinkless eye contact with her the entire time.

Every gift she tries to grift, lick it all over; eye contact as above.

Repeat until she stops.

JaneAustensHeroine · 24/12/2024 21:07

She’s a nightmare. I would tell her outright that she is rude and not invite her in future. Surely she has no friends with behaviour like that? Awful.

ZeldaStoleMyCrumpets · 24/12/2024 21:12

Minc · 24/12/2024 21:01

Every piece of food she lays claim to, pull the entire dish towards you and stuff it all into your mouth with your hands, maintaining blinkless eye contact with her the entire time.

Every gift she tries to grift, lick it all over; eye contact as above.

Repeat until she stops.

Yes, that’s a good idea with the OPs manager there isn’t it ?

wayfairer · 24/12/2024 21:13

I would put some notices up.
No taking home left overs
No asking for gifts that are not yours
Post it notes everywhere

Numsmetposter · 24/12/2024 21:14

Everytime she asks for things to be wrapped up I'd say

"Oh no.. it's not that kind of restaurant im afraid".

When she starts hassling people for scraps... or anything

"Don't be a scab".

And repeat.

StrikeForever · 24/12/2024 21:14

It sounds horrendous @Addyview I agree that it/she needs confronting, so no, you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

I hope you let us know how it went in the end.

HadEnoughOfThisPish · 24/12/2024 21:19

BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed

Embarrassed? Sounds like you couldn't scorch that neck with a blow torch.

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