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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

761 replies

Addyview · 23/12/2024 04:03

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

OP posts:
VodkaCola · 24/12/2024 11:19

What's their house like? Is she a hoarder?

She really doesn't sound well.

RampantIvy · 24/12/2024 11:22

TinyMouseTheatre · 24/12/2024 11:06

I think the trick in the face of such rudeness is to fully remove your own filter.

Difficult when her boss is there though?

So be polite but assertive it isn't difficult.

"Everyone please help yourselves"

"But I want to take some home with me"

"Please take as much as you want. We have plans to use anything leftover for ourselves"

"But, but, but. I want, I want, I want (whines)"

"SIL, I'm sorry, but no you can't. We are keeping anything leftover. I have plans for other meals."

"Can I have that present"

"No"

"I know you don't like Bayliss and Harding toiletries"

"I am donating them to the women's refuge"

etc etc

TinyMouseTheatre · 24/12/2024 11:53

"Please take as much as you want. We have plans to use anything leftover for ourselves

I've said this before in this thread but don't mind saying it again. I think that like is terrible advice when you have other guests. I want my guests to feel like they can eat as much as they want, not to worry that they'll be leaving plenty of leftovers.

Cherrysoup · 24/12/2024 12:52

Gobsmacked by her sheer front!

Why does bil not want her called out on her awful behaviour? Why has he not shut her down? She sounds like she has a compulsion.

I’d be brutal if she starts.

This thread has given me many laughs, I’ve never given so many thanks/laugh reactions. I hope the OP gains a spine of steel for tomorrow and shuts sil down at the first opportunity. Don’t let her take anything extra!

RampantIvy · 24/12/2024 13:05

TinyMouseTheatre · 24/12/2024 11:53

"Please take as much as you want. We have plans to use anything leftover for ourselves

I've said this before in this thread but don't mind saying it again. I think that like is terrible advice when you have other guests. I want my guests to feel like they can eat as much as they want, not to worry that they'll be leaving plenty of leftovers.

Which is why I thought I had worded it carefully, but perhaps you are right.

How about this?

"Help yourselves to as much as you like. We don't do doggy bags"

BettyBardMacDonald · 24/12/2024 14:25

TinyMouseTheatre · 24/12/2024 11:53

"Please take as much as you want. We have plans to use anything leftover for ourselves

I've said this before in this thread but don't mind saying it again. I think that like is terrible advice when you have other guests. I want my guests to feel like they can eat as much as they want, not to worry that they'll be leaving plenty of leftovers.

Agree. Any mention of leftovers or quantities is crass, crass, crass.

Thelittlehouseonthehill · 24/12/2024 14:44

Every time she asks for something I would just say Oh Christ, not this again on repeat. She sounds like a nightmare.

outerspacepotato · 24/12/2024 14:56

Uninvite. She's not going to stop wrecking your social occasions. That's rude AF.

But I would be tempted to get a squirt bottle and go for it every time she tried to acquire your stuff.

Does she do this to everyone and everywhere she goes? Or is it only with certain people?

SpryCat · 24/12/2024 15:09

I just wouldn’t host her nor invite her to family meals out, the BIL made his bed let him deal with her. Alone

HeadacheEarthquake · 24/12/2024 16:41

Everything she asks for just say "I've licked it so it's mine"

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/12/2024 17:06

HeadacheEarthquake · 24/12/2024 16:41

Everything she asks for just say "I've licked it so it's mine"

And if, as a CF my dad knew at work did, she pinches your phrase and says "Oh I have licked it so its mine! haha" you say "Oh so have I!"

JaneFrances · 24/12/2024 17:15

I mentioned this upthread but in what world is it usual to go to dinner and be thinking about leftovers?

Kentucky83 · 24/12/2024 17:39

Don't open presents in front of her apart from ones brought by them, and say no to taking the food as you'll be eating the leftovers yourselves later. Keep repeating no. It sounds exhausting, tbh, but it also sounds like it needs dealing with firmly.

MarvellousMonsters · 24/12/2024 17:40

DaftyLass · 23/12/2024 04:05

Just say : sorry SIL, no dibs, we need to share with everyone
Reply as needed/ until she gets the message

This. On repeat. No dibs. No leftovers to take home as you have plans to use them for future meals for yourselves.

If she doesn't listen just reply with 'no'

Bunny65 · 24/12/2024 17:42

I would make pointed comments in front of her and your guests so she gets the message. For example, if she asks for leftovers say "No". If she asks if she can have an unwanted present say "No, anything unwanted is going to charity" and if she starts on your guests tell her politely to please leave them alone. You've tried to go through diplomatic channels and it hasn't worked. She is just plain rude and if she doesn't realise you are doing her a favour. You don't have to be nasty about it, just say no.

Bunny65 · 24/12/2024 17:46

Having read the OP's reply now I would agree with ringing up with an ultimatum saying it's unacceptable behaviour and she either learns some manners or stays away.

Badinfluencer · 24/12/2024 18:04

Lool please embarrass her. we need to bring back shame. Happy Xmas everyone 🎄

PotatoLove · 24/12/2024 18:14

She sounds outrageous. And shameless. Please make sure she doesn't pull her antics again. No is an entire answer. Repeat until she finally gets it.

DEVOLADY · 24/12/2024 18:16

Speak to her straight - tell her if she repeats the behaviour of other years this will be the last year you invite her as her behaviour is embarrassing, makes everyone uncomfortable and is actually amazingly disrespectfully SELFISH - tell her straight, that is the only way people like her ever understand. And if she does start simply say "Why do you feel it is appropriate to behave like that/say things like that when I have asked you repeatedly not to" FACE HER OUT. I would not have put up with that behaviour as long as you have! You can choose to invite who you want and who you are comfortable with. If she is going to make you uncomfortable and is unwilling to conform to respectable behaviour she should not be there.

VegTrug · 24/12/2024 18:18

@Addyview How did the phone call go, OP?

TitaniasAss · 24/12/2024 18:31

They're not the two options at all. The first time she says anything about the food you just say 'sorry, tomorrow's leftovers day for us' and leave it at that. If she asks if she can have a present once you're fed up with it just assure her you love whatever it is and you know you won't be fed up with it.

This could have been nipped in the bud years ago.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 24/12/2024 18:40

TitaniasAss · 24/12/2024 18:31

They're not the two options at all. The first time she says anything about the food you just say 'sorry, tomorrow's leftovers day for us' and leave it at that. If she asks if she can have a present once you're fed up with it just assure her you love whatever it is and you know you won't be fed up with it.

This could have been nipped in the bud years ago.

Totally agree.

BrainWontWorkAnymore · 24/12/2024 18:41

No.
For the second time, no.
For the xth time no…

Ad infinitum… If she keeps going longer than you want, that’s when you say that her behaviour is both rude and uncomfortable and if she asks to take anything else that is not hers, you WILL ask her to leave. If she starts trying to argue, repeat that I’ve asked you to leave, please don’t ignore me…

Make sure DH is inside first though and give your guests a heads up about what she has done in the past.

Good luck

Jumpers4goalposts · 24/12/2024 18:46

I wouldn’t say anything in advance just as your dishing say something loudly like “there won’t be leftovers so no need to ask X, eat up everyone, enjoy”.

LivelyMintViper · 24/12/2024 18:49

O SIL I love your rings. They would look better on me. And your coat .And your jumper. And you don't need all those presents, do you? And I think you've eaten quite enough already , so maybe miss pudding? And if you don't stop drinking the wine there won't be enough for the rest of us to have a third glass. Just saying