To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

[Addyview]

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

She is an arsehole and so is her husband for condoning this behaviour . Uninvite and don't invite them ever again. I would not even bother going out for meals either if that is her attitude. Bloody free loader.

You have tried everything and nothing has worked. Because this sounds like a compulsion. So your choices are to either see it as the minor inconvenience it is or to stop seeing her.

I'm uncomfortable with the amount of people telling OP to tell BIL to speak to his wife. Why? Why can't a grown woman talk to another grown woman about an issue she has with her?

I bet if this kept happening to you you’d see it as more than a “minor inconvenience”

What happens if you tell her no? Does she just take it anyway? Wonder what a firm “no that won’t be happening” repeated over and over would do? She only gets away with it because she is allowed to get away with it. It’s weird that she is shameless but also supposedly feels embarrassed? Embarrassed about what exactly? I would just stand firm and keep repeating the same line over and over with regards to food and leftovers.

With presents, I would honestly ignore her completely. Let the silence hang if she asks about taking your presents and then move on. Do not give it any attention whatsoever.

You just need to be firm. No Janet you may not have my Xmas present, please stop asking. No Janet you cannot take leftovers home. Sounds like she needs to be embarrassed to make her stop!

but BIL has asked us to leave it alone

I think that that is reason enough to cancel tbh.

"we don't want to hear her begging for food & gifts & have to ignore it. Best you don't come"

You're as wicked as I am, fun isn't it!!!!

I really wouldn't. I would treat her with compassion and respect whilst maintaining clear boundaries. Like with a toddler or a puppy. It would be absolutely no skin off my nose to say no. If she told people in my home not to eat the food I was offering, it would be no skin off my nose to say "Ignore SIL and please eat as much as you can manage".

This is honestly such a non-issue. She isn't hurting anyone. She isn't stealing anything. She is annoying. But she doesn't live with OP. It's an occasional annoyance.

But like I said if OP struggles to cope with it then it is her right to stop seeing her.

Spot on.

Not bad form to refuse rude guests attendance.

Especially when their form on attendance is bad!

Ah I see we have another gullible poster.

Option 3 when she starts squirreling, and she will, show her the door.

If she starts her nonsense, look her in the eye and say “No, you can’t. Please stop asking.” Say it in the voice you would use to tell your Doberman that he is not going to take a shit on your dining room floor on Christmas Eve. Firm, calm and slightly menacing is what you’re going for.

From bad to verse.Sorry this thread has inspired me to rip off the German Carol Tannenbaum.

”Aunty Marge” has got no class -
She’s tighter than a badger’s arse.
For Christmas lunch, don’t dare be late -
She’ll have the Turkey off your plate.

And when you rip off wrapping paper
She’ll want that present now or later

She’s got the cash but she won’t spend
She’ll go on ligging to the end!

I’ll get my coat….

Greet her warmly at the door, 'Lovely to see you', etc, etc. Follow up with, 'Although I do hope you're not going to make everyone feel uncomfortable, like last year, by trying to knab all our presents and leftovers' tinkly laugh. Attempt to catch Brother's eye and, if possible, let him know that, if she does, there will be no future invitations!

Interested to hear how the conversation went. Hope it went well and OP updates us (if she wants to of course!)

Each time she makes one of these comments count it up in your head. By the time you get to 10 you will be struggling to keep a straight face.

She sounds a borderline kleptomaniac - I know she’s asking but it’s still very obsessive behaviour.

I presume your brother just wanted to see his brother at Christmas and that’s why they got invited but I think a conversation needs to be had directly with her in advance of the day - to give her the choice between coming and behaving or not coming at all.

I'd set up an anti reward chart in the kitchen, called CF SIL Olympics 2024.

With gold stars (3 points) for 'I'll have your present, it's not your sort of thing', silver (2) for 'nobody eat too much, I'm taking the xxx home' and bronze (1) for 'I'll have some more xxx to go.'

Tot up her score and present her with her results. Maybe make a shitty trophy out of kitchen foil.

See how 'embarrassed' she gets. (And of course she's incapable of getting embarrassed. Otherwise she would not do this. It's your BIL who suffers that, knowing what she is).

I think the trick in the face of such rudeness is to fully remove your own filter.

Respond to her rudeness with the full blast of your own unfiltered thoughts.

I just find it unbelievable that so many on MN allow Christmas to be ruined by catering to these types.

I am clearly very very selfish.

"Are you a seagull" - brilliant!

No excuse at all for this bonkers behaviour but does she own her own home? Has she taken saving for a
deposit to an extreme level?

Every time she says something rude, look at your bil with concern and ask him if he knew about her behaviour before marriage. Also, add with concern that if he ever needed any emotional support you're all there for him. That you fully understand the financial impact being married to such a person would be hard. How he's kept his financial situation away from you for such a long time is amazing blah blah blah.

Just make him squirm, make him think that that everyone thinks he's so broke his wife has to go begging. Tell him 'everyone thinks you're broke because she keeps asking for leftovers & people's gifts to sell on ebay because you're skint" Lay it on really thick and hopefully they'll either split up for good or they'll go nc 🙏. Either of these outcomes is a bloody marvellous result.

I think the trick in the face of such rudeness is to fully remove your own filter.

Difficult when her boss is there though?

Id not sure if this is the way but I agree with the overall idea, as she seems like talking to a brick wall, you have to make him listen.

Tell him the truth but harshly - no one wants them around because of her behaviour, you think it’s insane and are you wondering what his motivation is for letting it go.