To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

[Addyview]

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

Gosh your SIL is shameless OP! The absolute cheek of a GUEST telling OTHER GUESTS that they can’t eat as much Christmas dinner as they would like to because she wants to take it home for leftovers?! She’s actually limiting other peoples enjoyment of Xmas as she’s too tight to buy food! It’s not hers- it’s yours OP - she had no claim to your possessions or food.
I really hope you had the courage to speak to her - she does need to feel embarrassed about her behaviour. If she does end up coming round OP I would just tell your other guests to help themselves to as much as they like. May I ask OP (and I think I know the answer to this) but do BIL and SIL contribute anything to your xmas day (wine/ snacks etc) or at least bring you a host gift?

Tell her to stop being so grabby. Tell her nothing is available for her to take home as you're dropping left overs off at a local shelter and keeping all your gifts for yourself. As you should.

I am sorry. Sending love from a fellow Coeliac.

PS mashed potato can be very soothing. x

I bet she laughs her arse off about it, no one who gets embarrassed behaves like that

I agree that folk like this have the hides of rhinos, @binkie163, but OP's BIL may well be embarrassed and putting it onto his DW as a cover ... in which case it would have been better if he'd declined the invitation for both of them to avoid unpleasantness

However he didn't so now it has to be dealt with, and any fallout will be for him to handle

Good of she gets embarrassed- it is an emotion humans have developed to stop them doing something socially inappropriate

She sounds very difficult and stressful . It does sound like some sort of addictive behaviour pattern that she needs professional help with.
doesn’t help you right now - but I do think your DH should speak to his brother and say how it’s making you all feel and that she needs help.
Try to think - this isn’t you, she’s ill and hopefully it will be helped by next year.
dont enable it - pretend she’s a 6 year old asking for stuff, constant firm “Nos” and don’t give in or completely ignore. Don’t worry about how firm you have to be. Good luck!!!

How do you know she’s ill ?

The more likely explanation is that she’s a CF of the first order and her behaviour is being reinforced constantly because she’s being allowed to carry on with it.

How do you not rip the piss out of her every time she does it? If she tried this in my family she'd get roasted constantly!

You all sound very polite.

Really tricky. No one else has cracked it OP, so it's unlikely you will overnight.
The only thing I would do is talk to her 1:1 and say can I just let you know that there will be no food or other things to take home, please don't ask because refusal may cause offence. If that's likely to annoy, then do it before they come.
A personality trait that's a defence against something in hers or her parents past I would guess. Kind of compulsive.

When she asks I’d say ‘I’ll tell you what Katie, I’ll whip my dirty knickers off and you can have them as well’.

Just a firm no and an eye roll every single time.

This! Laugh out loud as you say it and make a big joke out of her scrounging , then ignore any further requests.

otherwise say “only dogs beg for scraps sil !” And again, laugh it off.

I haven't voted OP but I do know it's near impossible to change the mindset of a stingy person.

I think if the OP and her DH are as bothered by this as she says then they never should have invited them in the first place. But given that they have, it's not really on to cancel at such short notice based on nothing at all other than the fear that she might do it again. That's just seriously weird behaviour. Besides which, it doesn't make the problem go away. Unless they are never going to have them in their house again, they just need to learn to deal with her as and when it happens.

Could you fill a SEALED box with crap you don't want and say, "I've already set aside some things for you." Could save you a trip to the tip.

Say no stop asking every single time she asks for something and stop inviting them.

The thing is, if you make a big thing of it in advance and need to have 'a discussion' I think she'd just act all shocked and hurt and make out she doesn't know what on earth you mean. She'll deny it and get all defensive and wounded. It will cause a bad atmosphere either way.

I think it's just easier to deal with it as it happens. Be prepared for it and shoot her down with some one liners. Either very firm and assertive 'nope sorry, you can't have it, we can get another dinner out of that for tomorrow' or as others have said, roll your eyes and make a joke of it.

I so want the press to pick up this thread and make it to the national press! Do you think your cheeky fucker sister in law would recognise herself?

but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed.

Well she doesn't... because she keeps doing it. If she was embarrassed she would acknowledge and stop.

This isn't something out of her control (like pointing out someone has BO due to a medical issue or rushing to the toilet for IBS etc... things that can't be helped but would be really rude to point out) its something she is actively doing because seemingly no one is calling her on it.

i don’t … but it does sound a bit compulsive - the extent the SIL is behaving inspite of pushback from family.
may be easier for OP to accept this Xmas if she thinks she’s not well. Doesn’t mean she can’t still continue to push back and be firm.

Hope it went ok @Addyview, you must be knackered after a terrible sleep.

It seems to me that previous attempts to make her stop or shame her havent worked. But you don't say what BIL is doing /reacting when these requests are made. If its not much I would address all remarks to him.

" Aw I didnt know you werent doing so well in your job Bill"
"Are you struggling for food Bill - I'll get you the food banks address"
" Poor you Bill - cant afford to buy your wife a present of have food in the house"

Said in an innocent tone he cant complain as its obvious his wife is begging and what else can you construe from that?

That type of remark made in front of strangers ( your manager and wife ) should get a reaction of some sort.

Agree with getting her husband to tell her in advance, or you will do it in front of everyone. That might stop her. Personally I wouldn't have allowed another invitation to be issued to this grabbing cow.

It seems as though she has some sort of deep-rooted personality disorder. Not your problem or cross to bear.

Sorry but there is no fucking way I'd have this woman in my house on Christmas. Nor anyone who made me lie awake and dread them. Call or text now to rescind the invitation. You don't need to say why; just say "It won't work for us this year. Have a pleasant day." You wil be utterly relieved the minute you take back control.

I mean, it's your party, your house, your Christmas! Why should you not have it as you like?

Yeah, but how awkward for this to play out before one of OP's work colleagues. That's just grim, grim, grim.

Bin them out now and enjoy a pleasant day. For everyone's sake.