To feel really betrayed?

[BearPearDare]

I’m friends with a group of women I met in the first year of uni in halls when I was 18. We’re all 28/29 now, so have been friends for a good while. We’re all married/in relationships, and we all have babies/toddlers. There’s 4 of us in the group.
Beginning of this month, I noticed one of the friends, “Hannah”, put up an instagram story, tagging in our entire friendship group, of them all out for lunch, including the babies/toddlers. This was a Saturday (we all work Monday to Friday), so they all knew I’d be off, but I wasn’t invited, and nothing about the lunch was mentioned to me. I decided to ignore this. A week later, a similar instagram story from Hannah, this time showing them all out with the babies/toddlers meeting Father Christmas. Again, nothing was mentioned to me. I decided to text one of the other women, “Meghan”, to see if everything was ok. She replied saying that Hannah invited me to lunch but I ignored her, and because of that Hannah didn’t feel comfortable inviting me to the Father Christmas meet-up. I replied saying Hannah never invited me to the lunch and that I had no idea about it. Meghan read my text but never replied. I then put a message in our group chat that we’re all in, asking if anyone was free to meet up soon for a coffee. Everyone read it but only one person, “Heather”, responded saying yes.
I met up with Heather later that day, who was acting really sheepish. I asked her if everything was ok and she ended up telling me that Hannah doesn’t like me, and made a group chat without me in it. I asked her why Hannah doesn’t like me, and she said that Hannah thinks I’m stuck up and annoying. Heather then showed me this secret group chat and it had so many messages from Hannah commenting on my weight, how pathetic I am, how my house isn’t decorated nicely, how my job is embarrassing, etc. None of the other women ever responded to any of this, but none of them stuck up for me either.
I don’t know what I’ve done to upset Hannah, but I feel so hurt. But more so, I feel hurt that all of my other friends are happy to be Hannah’s friend despite how she’s treating me.

For the 10 years we’ve been friends, we’ve done secret Santa on December 23rd every Christmas, before then not seeing each other until New Years drinks. It’s my turn to host it this year and to be honest I just want to cancel and be done with this friend group. I mentioned wanting to cancel to Heather and Meghan on the basis that I don’t feel comfortable being around Hannah anymore, and also that I feel hurt that I’m being treated like this and neither of them seem to care. They said that they have every right to be friends with both me and Hannah, and that it’s not their fault she doesn’t like me. I told them I get that, but I feel like I can’t be friends with them if their comfortable being around someone who can be cruel to me. I feel betrayed by them. AIBU to feel this way? I’m really hurt but I’m being portrayed as dramatic. I haven’t cancelled tomorrow yet, I feel at a loss.

We lived together the whole 3 years at uni, we were all each other’s bridesmaids. I feel unbelievably hurt and like I’m grieving the loss of the people I thought they were, if that makes sense. They were all a huge part of my life

Looking at your update , looks like she is jealous.

I think SleepPrettyDarling post is the best - doesn't give them any ammunition.

I think WhatsApp allows friendships to continue beyond their 'use by' dates. This one is done and has gone stinky. Time to bin it.

I love it too. Very wagatha

then walk away with a smile knowing they will always suspect each other. They’ll be like rats in a bag

I would put this in the group chat and be done with them and make other friends.
If you group messaged them saying Hannah has made it abundantly clear she has a grudge against me so so the invite is for everyone bar Hannah, no one would dare turn up so you might as well go out with a bang. Then block them, life too short for playground games!

Yep, you've been betrayed by them all. So very painful. I couldn't pretend that nothing was going on. I don't usually advocate using messages but in this situation, I would message them all. You've had some excellent suggestions for wording. I would be clear that you have been lied about. I would say you've seen all the messages. I would tell them how much you have valued their relationship in your life. I would then leave the group.

You're absolutely not being unreasonable to feel this way. I'm so sorry they have done this to you, and I think I know how you feel as something similar happened to me. My friendship group of 15 years formed in baby class did a similar thing, with one ringleader who I think was jealous of me. I felt so let down that the others just allowed it to happen.

They had set up another whatsapp group without me in, and they accidentally posted in the one I was in, in a way that meant I found out they were meeting up without me and excluding me from birthdays etc. I felt a real sense of loss at the friendship being over and that support group gone.

I chose to call it out on the group chat, told them it was hurtful and out of order, and also said if I've done something to deserve this to at least tell me (I was racking my head thinking what I could have done wrong) then left the group. None of them contacted me to apologise so I've left it there. Painful, but sometimes dynamics change and the people you like and gravitate towards at one phase in your life, aren't necessarily the right friends for you today. I realised I actually didn't like them that much anyway - different values to mine. Looking back they were just catty and bitchy.

Hope you're ok.

I agree they have behaved horribly. I can't imagine being in such a tight knit friendship group and then joining another WhatsApp group that's been set up purposely to exclude you, whixh is full of bithy comments, and thinking that's OK. Yes they are entitled to be friends with whoever they want but to join in with purposely excluding people from a group that they were previously part of, is bullying. And I personally don't like some people, as most people don't, but I wouldn't hang about with anyone who made comments about people's appearance / job, although I'm not sure I'd call them out, I would distance myself ss it would make me very uncomfortable. If this happened to any of their children at school they would all be extremely upset

Is Hammah meant to be coming to yours?
I think you have a few options and none of them are good

Either carry on as normal but know this is happening behind your back

Uninvite Hannah and tell them why, however it will likely be twisted against you especially if her kid misses out

Have a chat with Hannah beforehand to try and sort stuff out. However someone so nasty and spiteful is unlikely to be reasoned with. And why the fuck should you.

Carry on and plan a soft confrontation there. Just say you'd like to all chat something through. That you were surprised Hannah came since she has been excluding you and saying nasty things about you. And ask what they want to do going forward.

@BearPearDare

I think this message is best:
“As I’ve now been shown your separate group chat that has been set up to make arrangements which exclude me and share nasty comments about me, I’m sure you’ll understand that I won’t be hosting our NYD meet up”

You can’t host but you need to give some explanation because otherwise the cancellation can be used against you.

I would write something like this

Invite them round, say as you have had a promotion you have are giving them each a well thought out present. Not in keeping with secret santa because secrets are toxic.
Wrap them each a shitty nappy.
For their shitty behaviour.
Then see them out and block.

By saying nothing they are basically complicit. Sorry op. They sound like a total bunch of bitches. You deserve better friends. They are not nice people.

I would wish to be brave enough to challenge each person as they arrived at my house and tell them exactly what I thought, however in reality I would send one of the dignified messages up thread.

This is so hurtful, you will be upset for a while but you will move on and look back with relief that you're outside of the drama. If you forgive any of them you will always be uneasy wondering what they are saying and doing when you're not there.

I like your thinking 👍

I like this message Direct with no apology!!

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP. please don’t apologise to them for cancelling anything or show them how hurt you are. They don’t deserve it. Head up high.

I also think this is an excellent suggestion.

Is anyone else concerned that the ss was never happening at the op's house, and something else has been organised on the other chat group?

I’d be really upset with this too. Not just with Hannah being so vile, but with all of the others except Heather for allowing it to happen and saying nothing to defend you when they read the nasty comments. Shame on them for wanting to be friends with someone so bitchy!

The only person I’d continue a friendship with is Heather. She was friendly enough to reply, to meet you and loyal enough to show you the messages. She’s decent and she’s done you a favour.

Hannah needs ditching and blocking. The rest, I wouldn’t bother with again unless you get some serious apologies. It’s not just that they met without you - they are obviously entitled to do that. It’s purely that they’ve been part of a spiteful chat without you and not one of them has stepped away from it. Hannah has been posting photos with them all tagged which they know you can see, effectively rubbing your nose in your exclusion. None of them replied to your message about meeting. Clearly, they haven’t got the guts after slagging you off.

I think what I’d be doing here is messaging Heather directly to say that the group chat message you’re about to send doesn’t apply to her. Then I’d message the chat saying something like: some strange things have been happening recently, like setting up a group to exclude you from plans while also making it clear to you through the posting of tagged photos that these plans have taken place. That you can only think that it’s calculated move to prove a point, but you’re surprised it’s been done in such a nasty and underhand way after being good friends for so many years. That, unfortunately, you’ve seen the messages about your weight, job and house and can’t understand how it’s become so personal. That while you understand that friends choose people who make them feel better about themselves, you’re not sure what you did that led to any of them wanting o tear you down because you’ve only ever felt support for all of them. That the secret Santa is, of course, cancelled. That you’ll make sure to mix with lovely, positive friends and will leave them to it. Then exit the chat and block queen bitch.

Hope you’re okay, OP. This is peak secondary school nasty girl behaviour, not the conduct of adults: they should be utterly ashamed.

Im sp sorry this has happened to you but You've been friends with Hannah for 10 years and this has never happened before? I find this very unlikely. In my experience these types do this again and again. You need to really reflect on whether Hannah has behaved like this to other people in the past and you've been one of the friends who goes along with it and doesn't tackle the behaviour.

This ⬆️is the perfect response.
Doesn’t invite drama, keeps the moral high ground.

I’m always trying to instill the importance to my teenagers of keeping in touch with different groups from primary/secondary/A levels/uni/hobbies/village etc as it’s never a good idea to be reliant on one source of company!

It’s horrible when friendships come to an end, but it happens. Hope you meet a lovely new crowd in the new year OP.

Yeah bin them off , it’s going to be hard as you thought these were your friends but they aren’t. Their behaviour is terrible

just message the group - I’m cancelling secret Santa /. Party , I know about your secret group chat and have seen the spiteful messages. It’s a shame as I counted you all as my friends and wouldn’t dream of going that to any of you. Merry Christmas cunts

I know a few people are suggesting texting a very brief message cancelling secret Santa and merely alluding to events, but I think you should say a bit more than that to close friends you’ve known for ten years. Otherwise, they’ll think you’ve just sulked off because people didn’t reply to your message about meeting up. The reality is that an absolute bitch fest has been ring-led behind your back by what you thought was a close friend.

The only approach is a direct one when it comes to Hannah. Tell her you know about her secret group and have seen the messages, therefore she is disinvited and you won't be engaging with her going forward. Keep it formal, yet polite. Don't give her any ammunition.

But more importantly, keep it vague. Do not tell her who showed you the secret WhatsApp. Let her wonder who 'betrayed' her. That'll really fuck her off.

have cancelled secret Santa after heather showed me your little secret group. Good luck to whoever Hannah takes against next.

This ^, without naming Heather. I am sorry they are so horrible to you OP, how hurtful. To think adult women, mums at that, could behave like this is depressing. No doubt they'll create the next generation of nasties too. I'd ditch them all.

I'm so sorry, what a bitch Hannah is and I'd be SO disappointed in the rest of the group for not pulling her up on it and for even entertaining the idea of a group meet up without you.

I'd probably host Secret Santa and make an announcement to the group while they are all there that you are SO disappointed in their behaviour as a group. It is one thing to try to stay neutral and friends with both people, but it is another to take part in group activities that actively exclude one person who hasn't done anything wrong and doesn't even fucking well know that somebody has "fallen out" with her. And to be in a secret exclusive whatsapp group with unchallenged personal attacks about you. Then I'd invite them all to leave and continue their party without you at the nearest costa fucking coffee.

Don't suppose you got Hannah for the Secret Santa, did you? Because if you did......

I'm a big fan of not inviting drama and taking the moral high ground, but I do think OP needs to be clear and factual about what she is referring to in order to achieve that.

"Dear all,
I'm hurt that you have been meeting up together without inviting me. I haven't knowingly fallen out with, ignored, or offended any of you. I'm aware of the secret Whatsapp group and have seen some very nasty messages in there about me. I'm disappointed in the person who made those comments, but I also feel really let down by the rest of you who let those comments go unchallenged and who went along with events that deliberately excluded one person. As you can imagine I no longer feel like hosting secret santa; please make alternative arrangements somewhere else without me, if you haven't already."