To feel really betrayed?

[BearPearDare]

I’m friends with a group of women I met in the first year of uni in halls when I was 18. We’re all 28/29 now, so have been friends for a good while. We’re all married/in relationships, and we all have babies/toddlers. There’s 4 of us in the group.
Beginning of this month, I noticed one of the friends, “Hannah”, put up an instagram story, tagging in our entire friendship group, of them all out for lunch, including the babies/toddlers. This was a Saturday (we all work Monday to Friday), so they all knew I’d be off, but I wasn’t invited, and nothing about the lunch was mentioned to me. I decided to ignore this. A week later, a similar instagram story from Hannah, this time showing them all out with the babies/toddlers meeting Father Christmas. Again, nothing was mentioned to me. I decided to text one of the other women, “Meghan”, to see if everything was ok. She replied saying that Hannah invited me to lunch but I ignored her, and because of that Hannah didn’t feel comfortable inviting me to the Father Christmas meet-up. I replied saying Hannah never invited me to the lunch and that I had no idea about it. Meghan read my text but never replied. I then put a message in our group chat that we’re all in, asking if anyone was free to meet up soon for a coffee. Everyone read it but only one person, “Heather”, responded saying yes.
I met up with Heather later that day, who was acting really sheepish. I asked her if everything was ok and she ended up telling me that Hannah doesn’t like me, and made a group chat without me in it. I asked her why Hannah doesn’t like me, and she said that Hannah thinks I’m stuck up and annoying. Heather then showed me this secret group chat and it had so many messages from Hannah commenting on my weight, how pathetic I am, how my house isn’t decorated nicely, how my job is embarrassing, etc. None of the other women ever responded to any of this, but none of them stuck up for me either.
I don’t know what I’ve done to upset Hannah, but I feel so hurt. But more so, I feel hurt that all of my other friends are happy to be Hannah’s friend despite how she’s treating me.

For the 10 years we’ve been friends, we’ve done secret Santa on December 23rd every Christmas, before then not seeing each other until New Years drinks. It’s my turn to host it this year and to be honest I just want to cancel and be done with this friend group. I mentioned wanting to cancel to Heather and Meghan on the basis that I don’t feel comfortable being around Hannah anymore, and also that I feel hurt that I’m being treated like this and neither of them seem to care. They said that they have every right to be friends with both me and Hannah, and that it’s not their fault she doesn’t like me. I told them I get that, but I feel like I can’t be friends with them if their comfortable being around someone who can be cruel to me. I feel betrayed by them. AIBU to feel this way? I’m really hurt but I’m being portrayed as dramatic. I haven’t cancelled tomorrow yet, I feel at a loss.

We lived together the whole 3 years at uni, we were all each other’s bridesmaids. I feel unbelievably hurt and like I’m grieving the loss of the people I thought they were, if that makes sense. They were all a huge part of my life

@BearPearDare
What a shitty thing to do to a friend.
I feel for you ❤️
I'd definitely cancel SS, put a message on the group chat but leave all the emotion out, be factual so that Hannah is aware that someone has told/shown you the messages, don't let them know how hurt you are, keep your dignity.
"I will no longer be hosting SS as I'm now aware of your alternative group chat and have been shown the messages from Hannah re how pathetic I am, my weight, my house and my embarrassing job. You'll understand that I only host friends at my home"
The other two are not your friends.
I hope you have a lovely Christmas with the people who truly love and care for you. ❤️

Ditto
Shallow people
Take care of yourself OP, you deserve better

Quite right - she sounds like a nasty, vindictive bitch. The only way to deal with toxic people is to not play their game. Cut the lot of them off and find new friends. I really feel for you but don't waste your time and move on. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of knowing you're upset. Wishing you better times for 2025.

100% this .... keep your own morals, & remember they're the ones losing out on a true friendship with you. The positive is that you have the opportunity to go forward in life without those nasty bullies in it.

"Let them swim in their own shite" as my dad would say (lol)

Hope u have a lovely Christmas xx

You are not being unreasonable. You have invested years of energy into these friendships and hannah is being sneaky, unpleasant and mean. Egan and hannah are complicit in going along with this and you understandably feel betrayed. Forget about Hannah and consider cancelling today. Who's want to be friends with han sh now anyway. Ask meghan and heather whether they want to continue being g friends with you and on what terms - will you effectively be excluded from the group? If so they are complicit in your bullying. Might be time for new friends. These ones may be outgrown.
depressing to read this as a similar situation happened recently to my sixteen year old. The ones who were not bitchy maintained a friendship with her but they lowered in her estimation as they were disloyal. My daughter ended up finding new friends. I had a similar situation as a fifty year old and only this weekend bumped into the friend who had excluded me and made a new group (a man). He's still a bullying arsehoke but ultimately I feel more betrayed by the friends in the group who went along with it and my opinion of them has never recovered.

you will be alright x

Yes this
i also called out the parallel group chat when I happened to me and then left (politely) with my dignity intact

I would just cancel the get together, and not tell any of them. Be out on the day. Before that, remove yourself from the online groups. If any of them turn up on the day and ask you where you were, ignore them. A nasty cow, and the rest are a bunch of sheep. You might salvage a few friendships as they get older and grow up a bit.

I wouldn't bother with any message - you'd just be playing into their hands and whatever you said would be twisted. Leave the group without a backward glance. Let them work it out for themselves that they can whistle for your secret Santa gift, and new year's drinks will not be hosted by you.

My favourite phrase;

When people tell you who they are- listen.

They've all told you who they are. Cut them out. Focus on new and nurturing relationships.

I'm sorry though, it sounds very patient.

*painful!

F them!
don’t host - today or ever again!
if any of them are real friends, they will contact you x

try and not let them ruin your Xmas xx

All three of these women are not your friends.
Hannah is a bully and the other two are allowing it to happen.
I'd post on the group chat telling them all to fuck off and make it clear that you've seen the messages on the group chat you were excluded from.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Never meet with these women again.
Hannah is the mean girl of the group, but the others are just as bad.
Having a separate group to talk about you is just plain mean. And once Hannah stops being able to bitch about you, she will pick on someone else.
You have lost some weight and got a promotion this year - well done! Poor Hannah must be seething.
And as for putting trips on her Stories that’s pathetic, knowing you will see them.
She must have very low self esteem.
Enjoy your Christmas with your family and leave these behind. I know it’s hard. But you don’t need that behaviour in your life!

Because they’re the sort of people that set up separate WhatsApp groups to bitch about their friends.

I had made a group of friends when DS changed schools and in the third term a new family joined the school. We lived rurally and there wasn't much to do. Over the years the mum moved in to be everyone's bestie, mirroring hobbies (including riding that she'd very obviously had no idea about) and pushing out long standing friendships. These close relationships would last about two years and be all over social media. It was like a form of love bombing. I work in London so I wasn't always around but I found out I'd been deliberately excluded by her from many social events. Apparently I couldn't afford the event. My crime was similar to yours @BearPearDare a new big cheese job and weightloss. I'd also challenged her on her appalling record on cancelling meet ups at the last minute. Our daughters were babes in arms when we met and they were good friends but again she lied to me about committing to the school and moved her daughter to another having told me she was staying. My DD was very shy and wanted a friend from pre school in her class. It was a mean thing to do.
I distanced myself six years ago and it was the best thing I could have done. Her competitiveness and back biting (I got told a particularly nasty rumour had come from her). I don't miss her and she's welcome to my former closest friend as she has learnt at the knee of the master and is no longer my kind generous friend. We still have mutual friends and I just laugh when they talk about her. She's 60 and still acts like a school girl.
Hold your head high. Cancel the event and tell them that you know about the other WhatsApp group. Friends should be holding you up not pushing you down. X

Hannah's a cow
As to the rest of them, do you really want to be friends with people who are friends with such a nasty person? Doesn't say much good about them does it?
Hurts like hell, friendship break ups are very painful and it will take time to get over it but you will. X

I totally agree. Hannah sounds furiously jealous of you to me and as for the rest of your "friends" tolerating her setting up a WhatsApp group to slag you off?- absolutely hateful, vile behaviour.

Dump the lot of them. I am in a group of friends and if one of them did this and proceeded to slag one of the others off I would tell them to STFU and take a good hard look at themselves. Sadly, I have found that often when you elevate your life and have small wins some people dont like it and want to drag you down to their level. Life is too short to waste it on people like this- make 2025 the year of finding better friends.

Also, your other friends are stupid - if Hannah can do this to you, she will do it to them. Dont think for a moment that wont happen at some point in the future and they may well come crawling back to you once you are no longer available to be Hannah's scapegoat and she turns on them to bolster her own shitty self esteem

This. You've grown up; she really hasn't.

I agree. It's simply appalling!!! I hate the very idea of group chats, they encourage gossip and backbiting. If Hannah had a problem with you, she should have said something to you or else keep quiet. Bitch!

Move on, you are worth more than this. I would never want to see one of them ever again, can understand how you feel.

This is awful, I can’t believe women who are actually parents behave that way. I’m torn between just removing yourself from the groups with them and saying nothing and saying something.

But since the ss is imminent I think you have to say something to cancel? Hold your head high though, I like the pp message about only hosting friends at your house. Then block and move on, they aren’t your friends - none of them.

I don’t like not fighting back. So I’d not bin the group, as that’s what Hannah wants. Don’t let the bully win.

id still do secret Santa, id also in the group chat, invite Hannah, but point out you understand she’s got a problem with you that’s recently arisen, and happy to discuss it, and she’s more than welcome if she still feels able to come.

play the bigger person. I’d also maybe start a chat with the others, excluding Hannah, and just say I understand Hannah has a problem with you, which is very sad, after so many years of friendship, that you’re very confused and saddened by it, but their friendship means a lot and hope Hannah can overcome her issues.
kill em with kindness.

I knew a group like this, though I was only really friends with one woman (vaguely knew the others). They were constantly bitching about each other; judgmental, nasty, mocking each other, it was juvenile and exhausting behaviour from a group of 6 women all in their late 30s and early 40s.
I found out the group had made me a target, my 'friend' hadn't done a damn thing, and I realised I should have seen it coming. Someone who will bitch about their other friends TO you is also someone who will do the same thing ABOUT you.

None of these women are your friends, and I'm so sorry you had to find out like this. If it's any consolation, they're not really good friends to each other, either.

Personally I'd drop a brief, polite message into the group chat to cancel SS and tell them why, but nothing emotional or overly dramatic. "After seeing screenshots of comments about me in the other group chat, I'm sure you'll understand why I won't be hosting SS today. All the best." then leave the group. As others have said, it throws a cat amongst the pigeons as they realise they're not actually loyal to each other (the friendship group will probably quickly disintegrate as a result), and you exit with your dignity intact.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. It's very hurtful and yes, it's a betrayal. Hannah is horrible and the other two are too weak and self-interested to stand up for you. You haven't done anything wrong.

I would cancel your secret santa arrangement with an upfront and polite message to the group chat.

You need to talk to Hannah.

sit her down, tell her you know, call her out on it and then make a decision.

you also need to call your friends out on how they can happily let this stuff be said about you and purposefully leave you out.

if Hannah suddenly hates you, fair enough she doesn’t need to see you 1:1 but in a group setting what’s the issue?

I’ve been in many groups where I haven’t got on with the odd person as much as others here and there but nobody would ever know about it. They all sound childish.

I’d want to say something. Knowing me, I probably wouldn’t but would always wish I had. I wouldn’t name the friend that showed you, simply because it will leave Hannah not knowing which one it was.

Maybe something like:

Im genuinely not sure why I’ve been deliberately excluded from recent meet ups or why Hannah has felt the need to set up a WhatsApp group without me in which she criticicises my house, my looks and my job.
Friends would never do that and I’m sure you understand that I’m not prepared to host todays meet up now I’ve been made aware of this.

Horrible ex friends.
What a shitty thing to do.

If it's your turn to host. Id cancel.
But also they may not come anyway.
Id send the message that @cackleandpop
Suggested.