To feel really betrayed?

[BearPearDare]

I’m friends with a group of women I met in the first year of uni in halls when I was 18. We’re all 28/29 now, so have been friends for a good while. We’re all married/in relationships, and we all have babies/toddlers. There’s 4 of us in the group.
Beginning of this month, I noticed one of the friends, “Hannah”, put up an instagram story, tagging in our entire friendship group, of them all out for lunch, including the babies/toddlers. This was a Saturday (we all work Monday to Friday), so they all knew I’d be off, but I wasn’t invited, and nothing about the lunch was mentioned to me. I decided to ignore this. A week later, a similar instagram story from Hannah, this time showing them all out with the babies/toddlers meeting Father Christmas. Again, nothing was mentioned to me. I decided to text one of the other women, “Meghan”, to see if everything was ok. She replied saying that Hannah invited me to lunch but I ignored her, and because of that Hannah didn’t feel comfortable inviting me to the Father Christmas meet-up. I replied saying Hannah never invited me to the lunch and that I had no idea about it. Meghan read my text but never replied. I then put a message in our group chat that we’re all in, asking if anyone was free to meet up soon for a coffee. Everyone read it but only one person, “Heather”, responded saying yes.
I met up with Heather later that day, who was acting really sheepish. I asked her if everything was ok and she ended up telling me that Hannah doesn’t like me, and made a group chat without me in it. I asked her why Hannah doesn’t like me, and she said that Hannah thinks I’m stuck up and annoying. Heather then showed me this secret group chat and it had so many messages from Hannah commenting on my weight, how pathetic I am, how my house isn’t decorated nicely, how my job is embarrassing, etc. None of the other women ever responded to any of this, but none of them stuck up for me either.
I don’t know what I’ve done to upset Hannah, but I feel so hurt. But more so, I feel hurt that all of my other friends are happy to be Hannah’s friend despite how she’s treating me.

For the 10 years we’ve been friends, we’ve done secret Santa on December 23rd every Christmas, before then not seeing each other until New Years drinks. It’s my turn to host it this year and to be honest I just want to cancel and be done with this friend group. I mentioned wanting to cancel to Heather and Meghan on the basis that I don’t feel comfortable being around Hannah anymore, and also that I feel hurt that I’m being treated like this and neither of them seem to care. They said that they have every right to be friends with both me and Hannah, and that it’s not their fault she doesn’t like me. I told them I get that, but I feel like I can’t be friends with them if their comfortable being around someone who can be cruel to me. I feel betrayed by them. AIBU to feel this way? I’m really hurt but I’m being portrayed as dramatic. I haven’t cancelled tomorrow yet, I feel at a loss.

We lived together the whole 3 years at uni, we were all each other’s bridesmaids. I feel unbelievably hurt and like I’m grieving the loss of the people I thought they were, if that makes sense. They were all a huge part of my life

I’m so sorry to hear this has happened to you.
Take back some power. There’s a lot of illness atm so use that as an excuse not to host. Archive the group then do a slow fade until YOU are ready to leave. Like ERII don’t complain and don’t explain. Keep your dignity and make it look like you’re far too interested in other things to find time for them.
Heather’s next btw.

I'm so sorry - I had something similar a few years back with folks who I thought were a group of my close friends: realising they had a separate group chat without me, seeing their meet-ups on Instagram stories, hearing from one of them that another was slagging me off. As with you, one of the group was the initiator / Queen Bitch, some of the others were too weak to push back on her, and some had challenged her but didn't really know how to handle it all socially. It is really devastating, and more so because you expect 13 year olds to behave that way but not grown ass adults. I think social media and group chat functions on phones have a lot to answer for, but I've also heard of similar stuff going down with friendship groups in retirement homes so maybe it's just a universal human thing.

As others have said, cancel the event today, send a dignified message with an icy edge of 'fuck you', and then exit the group chat. Have a lovely lovely Christmas and New Year, and make 2025 the year you find some lovely new friends.

I love it too. Very wagatha

then walk away with a smile knowing they will always suspect each other. They’ll be like rats in a bag

This hasn’t quoted properly. It’s the messages that say someone showed me the messages.

also to me heather is complicit. Showing you the messages, yes st your request, is a stirry move. Probably to say ‘it wasn’t me’ but she is involved

@WrongWrongWrongAgain

That is a perfect text.

I feel your hurt OP, but none of these people are nice.
Better to suck up the pain now and put your energy into making other friends.

No way would I have them in my home.

Don't say that you are hurt. They will seize on it.
Hi all
I have been shown the private group chat and I understand the friendship group is evolving without me. No need to get together tomorrow. All the best for 2025. My resolution is to surround myself with people with integrity.

That’s perfect 👍🏼

Op, you poor thing, you must be reeling with it - so hurtful.

There's no real explanation other than some people are only happy when they are bringing others down, and Hannah clearly has issues with you, and probably all of the others individually.

I have to question Heather's behaviour too - why did she show you the other group and then the detail of the messages when she knew it would hurt you? Some may say it's loyalty, but I'm afraid it reeks to me of wanting to cause drama. I'm sure the first thing she did when she left yours was tell the others.

Walk away, head held high. Yes, it hurts, but they've shown you who they are and you know you don't want to go back for more. Cancel tonight, with as much or as little detail as you want to give, and instead do something lovely with your partner and little one - they are the ones that count.

Sending so much love, and do remember the outpouring of support you've had on here - there are more of us, cheering you on, than there are of them. It sounds like your life is a wonderful one, so focus on that, not on their small-minded spitefulness.

Time to move on from this lot but if this were me, I would throw a grenade behind me on the way out.

Cancel the event in the chat and tell Hannah that Meghan met with you and showed you everything. Leave it at that.

You know there will be a big row after you’ve removed yourself from the group chat. However, that teaches Hannah not to be a bully and Meghan not to be a bystander to bullying.

Its clear that Hannah had started a drip feed of negativity as surely the others would have thought it was unlike you to "ignore" the invitation for lunch and may likely realise they have been put in an awkwsrd position, by attending the events and now the seoaratr chat.
Yes, i would be wary of how complicit in this they are but i would go on something like
Just to let you all know i will not be hosting SS. Since it has become clear that i evidently ignored a forner invotation for lunch, which not only was a complete lie there have been other unpleasant communications about me. I firmly believe that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Yes, meghan, im looking at you.

If the others contact you it will be a decsion where you go from there

Listen to Gayle ABCDEFU very loudly

You can be classy.

Just state the facts without using any dirty words.

For example,
Remember that time, Hannah, when you performed fellatio on that complete stranger in that pub in Leeds? You weren’t even drunk!! You told me you wanted to get it out of your system before you married Brian. But the day of your wedding? That took courage. You were always so much bolder than the rest of us.

This is a shit situation and no wonder you’re really upset.
Years ago on our NCT of 7 women who’d been good friends for 18 months one mum X decided she disliked another Y and moaned about her to the rest of us.
None of us were comfortable with it and continued to see the whole group and certainly never exclude Y.
We all ignored X when she bitched about Y and X finally quit her bitching when she realised it had no traction. X didn’t completely apologise to Y but they moved on and are fine now.
Megan and Heather could/should have done this. They don’t sound nice. Time to cut them all loose and meet some new people.
You will do with young kids - just change where you go and join a couple of groups and it will happen. Good luck.

A good friend once sent me this poem when I had other so called friends being dicks to me...

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
’Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
’Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

i know it is easy to say this and not so easy to do, but fuck the lot of those bitches!

@Nobodyknowsitall5
That poem is fabulous.

It’s Maya Angelou if anyone fancies looking up her other inspiring and incredible poetry. That is one of my favourites though.

My favourite rendition of the Maya Angelou poem is by Serena Williams, no less. She kills it.

Maya Angelou is amazing.

Thinking of you OP 💐

Hope you’re ok OP.

Had a similar thing happen when I was 18 (no social media tho) and I just remember wondering why none of them thought to talk to me directly if there was a problem, instead of just being a bunch of bitches.

When I confronted them I got mixed reactions - one was a total bitch who enjoyed seeing my pain and had a few choice phrases to dig the knife in deeper, one outright told me she was jealous of me so was happy to have a way to exclude me, and the third who had been my oldest and closest friend and did owe me some loyalty was a total wash out. Sort of said yeh we shouldn’t have done that. I accepted that and remained friends with her for a while but it fizzled out and it’s only years later that I think back and realise she had zero integrity or loyalty to me and behaved like a total dick going along with the others, she was just afraid of not having her friendship group and not having her perfect life.

I was lonely for a while. And it hurt when I’d see photos of the three of them still best friends (they still are I think, 20 years later) and I do wonder ‘why me?’, but that’s actually the wrong question - the real question is why they each felt so insecure that they had to behave badly. They simply couldn’t handle me just being myself - I wasn’t a big character or showy in any way, but I was very smart and good looking (didn’t quite realise it at the time!!) and I worked hard to achieve well. In an academic all-girls school I think it was more than they could take. Incidentally I had another two friends drop me after a very successfully university career where again I came out top of my year and with a man to marry - it’s incredible how many people can’t cope with another person’s success or good luck.

I have a great family and wonderful friends now, but making new friends can be down to luck as well - I made no real friends for many years until I moved to an area which I thought would be awful but was actually wonderful for me.

I hope the friends I have now will stay in my life all the way to the end, but I also understand in reality that friendships do come and go. And sometimes no matter how many good times you’ve had, there are points where your ‘achievement’ can be too much for the other person to handle. This can be academic achievement or getting a great boyfriend, or having a baby who sleeps or simply being content and happy in your own life. You’d hope a decent person could handle this, or would try to behave well but if they don’t you know they are just not a keeper.

Incidentally I have been in the reverse situation where a friend had so much more than me at a time when I was at my lowest, and she got everything given to her that was totally out of my reach. I could hardly bear to see her. So I distanced myself for a while (telling her I’d be busy for a while), kept in touch via text, didn’t become a total bitch and allowed myself some time to get over it and be happy for her. We are great friends now and I talked to her about it many years later to apologise for being distant for a while, and she understood. The key thing was I didn’t treat her badly or ghost her or play any kind of power games. Which is why she was able to open up to me again.

The best that you can do now is decide to move on: invest in yourself, your hobbies, health and your good relationships, and learn to enjoy the good things while they are there but know you can be ok with yourself if that’s what is needed for a while.

What did you do/decide in the end, OP?

I really hope you cancelled. None of them are your friends.