To feel really betrayed?

[BearPearDare]

I’m friends with a group of women I met in the first year of uni in halls when I was 18. We’re all 28/29 now, so have been friends for a good while. We’re all married/in relationships, and we all have babies/toddlers. There’s 4 of us in the group.
Beginning of this month, I noticed one of the friends, “Hannah”, put up an instagram story, tagging in our entire friendship group, of them all out for lunch, including the babies/toddlers. This was a Saturday (we all work Monday to Friday), so they all knew I’d be off, but I wasn’t invited, and nothing about the lunch was mentioned to me. I decided to ignore this. A week later, a similar instagram story from Hannah, this time showing them all out with the babies/toddlers meeting Father Christmas. Again, nothing was mentioned to me. I decided to text one of the other women, “Meghan”, to see if everything was ok. She replied saying that Hannah invited me to lunch but I ignored her, and because of that Hannah didn’t feel comfortable inviting me to the Father Christmas meet-up. I replied saying Hannah never invited me to the lunch and that I had no idea about it. Meghan read my text but never replied. I then put a message in our group chat that we’re all in, asking if anyone was free to meet up soon for a coffee. Everyone read it but only one person, “Heather”, responded saying yes.
I met up with Heather later that day, who was acting really sheepish. I asked her if everything was ok and she ended up telling me that Hannah doesn’t like me, and made a group chat without me in it. I asked her why Hannah doesn’t like me, and she said that Hannah thinks I’m stuck up and annoying. Heather then showed me this secret group chat and it had so many messages from Hannah commenting on my weight, how pathetic I am, how my house isn’t decorated nicely, how my job is embarrassing, etc. None of the other women ever responded to any of this, but none of them stuck up for me either.
I don’t know what I’ve done to upset Hannah, but I feel so hurt. But more so, I feel hurt that all of my other friends are happy to be Hannah’s friend despite how she’s treating me.

For the 10 years we’ve been friends, we’ve done secret Santa on December 23rd every Christmas, before then not seeing each other until New Years drinks. It’s my turn to host it this year and to be honest I just want to cancel and be done with this friend group. I mentioned wanting to cancel to Heather and Meghan on the basis that I don’t feel comfortable being around Hannah anymore, and also that I feel hurt that I’m being treated like this and neither of them seem to care. They said that they have every right to be friends with both me and Hannah, and that it’s not their fault she doesn’t like me. I told them I get that, but I feel like I can’t be friends with them if their comfortable being around someone who can be cruel to me. I feel betrayed by them. AIBU to feel this way? I’m really hurt but I’m being portrayed as dramatic. I haven’t cancelled tomorrow yet, I feel at a loss.

We lived together the whole 3 years at uni, we were all each other’s bridesmaids. I feel unbelievably hurt and like I’m grieving the loss of the people I thought they were, if that makes sense. They were all a huge part of my life

What does it really say about these “friends” that they just passively sat back and allowed this other friend to trash you behind your back, make a new group chat and deliberately exclude you?? They’re not true friends OP.

What has been going on in your life recently - any big achievements or milestones achieved? I wonder if there is an element of jealousy at play here.

Either way, grieve the friendship and make time for new friends. These women just aren’t worth it - they have treated you terribly and you deserve much better.

I've not read the comments so it's probably been mentioned.

Something isn't right here. She wouldn't break up a 10 year group friendship for your job, your looks, your house.

There is definitely something else going on.

Possibilities:
She fancies your husband
Her husband fancies you
She thinks you fancy her husband

That's a really good message to send @Heylittlesongbird

Goodness.

This message is perfect - if you cancel without any reason Hannah will use this to show you are unreliable like the ‘lunch’ you weren’t invited to, but it’s short and sweet & allows you to exit with your head high.

Those who wish to maintain a friendship have the option to contact you and apologise but I would keep them at arms length - meet up so kids can go to soft play etc if they get on but I wouldn’t make much effort.

I'd be saying something like this - factual and calm but making it crystal clear I wont put up with this bitchy unpleasant garbage.

Agree with PP- Hannah will turn on someone else once you're gone.

I’d put a message in the group chat you’re all in to say “As I’ve now been shown your seperate group chat that has been set up to make arrangements which exclude me and share nasty comments about me, I’m sure you’ll understand that I won’t be hosting our NYD meet up” and then leave the group.

This leaves the ball in their court if any of them wish to make amends with you personally. Not that I’d entertain them but you may feel differently!

This, but I would not bow out gracefully - I would blow up the chat letting Hannah know what a bitch she is and that you know about the pathetic secret chat and her teen mean girl behaviour- then block

This is defo the message to end on

I wouldn't cancel, I'd just go out. Perhaps take dh and dc out for a tour around the area to look at Xmas lights. Then ghost them.

Leave them on the doorstep wondering what's going on.

This message is exactly what you should send to the group chat, none of these ladies are your friends.

Or she’s been simmering with jealousy and resentment all along and the wonders of SM/WhatsApp have given her the outlet to express it. I would rather suspect that this is more the case and that OP has just been oblivious because, well, she’s a kind and decent person who never in a million years thought grown women and long term friends could behave like this.

I had this with my “friends” too. I distanced myself (quietly) and not one of them checked up on me to see if I was ok or arrange to meet, it was always me doing the organising (with them organising to meet without me) so that shows me everything I needed to know. It was also when life was going well for me too. I don’t miss them at all.

Oooof! I’m so sorry OP, this must be so painful

honestly I would cancel it - apart from anything and gently - you may find they don’t show up anyway….:/

This is awful to read, I’m so sorry.

I cannot believe the CF was still going to turn up to be ‘hosted’ for SS, the absolute audacity.

If it were me I’d be tempted to still go ahead, just so I could get all the nasty cunts in one room and just say ‘so Hannah, what’s this about another group chat/me being wobbly/me not responding to the lunch invite’ to watch them all squirm. I wouldn’t be hosting sweet FA, it’d just be so they would all be in the same room.

Then ask them all to leave.

I have been in this situation with a baby group of mums, so in no way as difficult as yours. I cut then all off. They all saw what a bitch she was being to me and if they didnt say anything, so they also didnt deserve my time. There was one who also never said anything but then shortly after also stopped going anywhere with the others.

@BearPearDare message is perfect. Short and sweet.

thats nasty. fuck the whole lot of them and move on, they all sound as bad as each other xxx

I really feel for you. I've been through something similar and it's really hurtful.
My son is currently going through similar, but he's 13!!

Agree @BearPearDare message is perfect.

So sorry- this is very painful but in the long run you are better off finding real friends who behave with decency to you.

I know of someone in a similar situation. She was friendly with a group of girls from school and as soon as they set up their marital, toddler, house situations they became a group of b***s. The least functioning one became the worst till this girl tackled her to her face and she burst into tears. She has an addiction problem. She was calling the girl infertile because she did not have children yet. Nasty piece of work. Since that, the nasty ones world has gone pear shaped. Stand up for who you are, be proud of who you are, and set those boundaries strong and hard.

Absolutely this. What awful people, I'm sorry they've turned out to be like this OP. Try not to let this mar your Christmas, you deserve better friends!

These people are not your friends.
Personally, I’d send a carefully constructed message to the group chat and put knowing about the secondary chat and some of the things that were said about you. I wouldn’t say how it made you feel, I wouldn’t give Hannah that satisfaction. Keep it factual, and not too long. I’d sign off by saying I’m leaving the group so no need to go on the other chat and bitch, you can use this space instead.

Some might say this is childish but I’m a firm believer of meeting people at their level.

Honestly, these are not your people. Friends celebrate your successes with you, they enjoy seeing you do well and be happy. This group isn’t it.

As for the others, you feel betrayed by them because you have been betrayed by them. They should’ve called Hannah out and told her her comments were mean and not appropriate. Of course Hannah doesn’t have to like you, but she’s intentionally tried to alienate you from the group. What a bitch.

I would conclude by saying she’s probably very jealous of you. Block them all and focus on enjoying Christmas with your family who deserve 100% of your love and energy.

That’s the perfect message, to the point without major drama and leaves the option open to the other friends to also say they don’t agree with this behaviour from Hannah (if you want them back)

So sorry OP how very disappointed and upset you must be - I would feel the same.
This message is perfect. Please don't not send anything as I feel you will regret it.
Do call them out on their behaviour - let them squirm.