To feel really betrayed?

[BearPearDare]

I’m friends with a group of women I met in the first year of uni in halls when I was 18. We’re all 28/29 now, so have been friends for a good while. We’re all married/in relationships, and we all have babies/toddlers. There’s 4 of us in the group.
Beginning of this month, I noticed one of the friends, “Hannah”, put up an instagram story, tagging in our entire friendship group, of them all out for lunch, including the babies/toddlers. This was a Saturday (we all work Monday to Friday), so they all knew I’d be off, but I wasn’t invited, and nothing about the lunch was mentioned to me. I decided to ignore this. A week later, a similar instagram story from Hannah, this time showing them all out with the babies/toddlers meeting Father Christmas. Again, nothing was mentioned to me. I decided to text one of the other women, “Meghan”, to see if everything was ok. She replied saying that Hannah invited me to lunch but I ignored her, and because of that Hannah didn’t feel comfortable inviting me to the Father Christmas meet-up. I replied saying Hannah never invited me to the lunch and that I had no idea about it. Meghan read my text but never replied. I then put a message in our group chat that we’re all in, asking if anyone was free to meet up soon for a coffee. Everyone read it but only one person, “Heather”, responded saying yes.
I met up with Heather later that day, who was acting really sheepish. I asked her if everything was ok and she ended up telling me that Hannah doesn’t like me, and made a group chat without me in it. I asked her why Hannah doesn’t like me, and she said that Hannah thinks I’m stuck up and annoying. Heather then showed me this secret group chat and it had so many messages from Hannah commenting on my weight, how pathetic I am, how my house isn’t decorated nicely, how my job is embarrassing, etc. None of the other women ever responded to any of this, but none of them stuck up for me either.
I don’t know what I’ve done to upset Hannah, but I feel so hurt. But more so, I feel hurt that all of my other friends are happy to be Hannah’s friend despite how she’s treating me.

For the 10 years we’ve been friends, we’ve done secret Santa on December 23rd every Christmas, before then not seeing each other until New Years drinks. It’s my turn to host it this year and to be honest I just want to cancel and be done with this friend group. I mentioned wanting to cancel to Heather and Meghan on the basis that I don’t feel comfortable being around Hannah anymore, and also that I feel hurt that I’m being treated like this and neither of them seem to care. They said that they have every right to be friends with both me and Hannah, and that it’s not their fault she doesn’t like me. I told them I get that, but I feel like I can’t be friends with them if their comfortable being around someone who can be cruel to me. I feel betrayed by them. AIBU to feel this way? I’m really hurt but I’m being portrayed as dramatic. I haven’t cancelled tomorrow yet, I feel at a loss.

We lived together the whole 3 years at uni, we were all each other’s bridesmaids. I feel unbelievably hurt and like I’m grieving the loss of the people I thought they were, if that makes sense. They were all a huge part of my life

I think on the way out OP should make the group aware that one or multiple people in the group have made her aware, and it's all about Hannah, so Hannah knows she's busted and has no idea who or how many of her friends have snitched on her nastiness.

I went to a girls school and this is classic female toxic behaviour. There was a subtle competition going on which you unwittingly won with the weight loss and promotion - and they following rather classic female dynamics have closed ranks against you. Say goodbye to the bitches. Even the one who spilled the beans is complicit and you can never trust any of them again. Make friends on an individual basis, groups are for insecure people.

I would be honest and say exactly how this treatment has made you feel and that you hope it never happens to them and then leave . Make them feel ashamed

OP I'm so sorry you've been treated like that!

"Tomorrow is cancelled. I'm sure you can all talk together to figure out why. Wishing you the best for 2025." Block and move on.There will be better friends for you around the corner.😃

This but I'd add at the "I'm sure you can all talk together and figure out why"........ "I'm sure you can all talk together and figure out why in the other group chat Hannah set up, thank you to the people who showed me, hope you have a great 2025"........ So it makes the whole lot of them doubt each other and be paranoid afterwards.

it’s entirely your option to cut off all contact. But do you want to lose what you have?

You’re asking your friends to side with you against Hannah. I get why, Hannah is being horrible, but it’s a big deal losing old friends - and then or me ultimatums rarely work.

I’d say host drinks. Cancelling is unlikely to make you happy and it’s a big decision that you can’t really come back from.

In the new year, you can see whether your other friends want to maintain a friendship with you and you can all just ignore the Hannah situation. If not, then move on - but calmly after giving yourself time to think.

If you make friends easily and have dozens more it’s probably not much to just wipe these and move on. But I’d you don’t - you are making a much larger decision. Decade old friends are a big thing to lose. You’ve lost Hannah as a friend, but you might not hand to lose the others.

MM, i do think you need to make it clear, because otherwise Hannah can twist it... 'see, I said she was being weird/behaving bizarrely'...

If you spell it out, she has outright lied about inviting you so she can then lie about you ignoring an invite... she can't do that.

If there are only 4 of you in the group then my parting shot would be

“After being shown a wall of texts where Hannah made up her own story about me and you all stayed silent. I have decided that I won’t be hosting any events

Life’s too short to be dealing with people who don’t have my back or speak badly of me.

Just remember that 2’s company and 3’s a crowd”

@BearPearDare So Hannah is a bully. She is probably jealous of you and has decided to exclude you from their group. She's a horrible person and your other "friends" are not any better not standing up for you. I can honestly say that I would not tolerate this behaviour and I would have called her out on it. I also would not have agreed to be on this new group without you unless you had done something really awful like slept with Hannah's husband. It's time to get new friends with integrity! None of them are worthy of your time because they went along with Hannah's bullying saying nothing and they were happy to exclude you without a thought of your feelings. Typical middle school mean girls behaviour. Get rid of this and fill your life with kind people who will stand up for you. I am sorry for the hurt they caused.🩷

But voilà ! I knew she was jealous and then found this comment. How dare you lose weight AND get promoted !😅 Cut your losses with ALL of them. Real friends would say Congratulations, well done !

*RubyOrca · Today 05:52

it’s entirely your option to cut off all contact. But do you want to lose what you have?*

At the moment she has nothing.

You’re asking your friends to side with you against Hannah. I get why, Hannah is being horrible, but it’s a big deal losing old friends - and then or me ultimatums rarely work

The so called friends have already planted their allegiance with Hannah

I’d say host drinks. Cancelling is unlikely to make you happy and it’s a big decision that you can’t really come back from

You would invite people into your home, who will eat your food and drink your wine knowing how they feel about your house and you?

In the new year, you can see whether your other friends want to maintain a friendship with you and you can all just ignore the Hannah situation

They have already chosen sides and it’s not OP’s

If not, then move on - but calmly after giving yourself time to think.
If you make friends easily and have dozens more it’s probably not much to just wipe these and move on. But I’d you don’t - you are making a much larger decision. Decade old friends are a big thing to lose. You’ve lost Hannah as a friend, but you might not hand to lose the others

The friendships have been lost I put my self respect above these type of friends. I would rather be alone than have to deal with people like these

They’re not your friends and sounds like they picked Hannah a long time ago.
yes they’re allowed to be friends with both of you, but that suggests some kind of equally at fault falling out.

Hannah has been bullying you behind your back and they’ve just let it happen from the very moment they stayed in the chat group excluding you.

cancel the plans and tell them why, none of them want to admit to themselves what they’ve done and allowed to be done to you so they’ll turn on you anyway but at least you’ve confronted them and it will naw away at them.

”i’m cancelling the get togethers at mine. I couldn’t understand why I’d been left out of recent meet ups or why Meghan would say that Hannah had invited me but I’d not replied when that wasn’t true or why neither were mentioned in this group chat.
Then Heather showed me the group chat im
Not in and it all made sense. Although why Hannah feels the need to set it up just to bitch about my weight, my job, my house etc and leave me out or why Meghan and Heather you’ve let her without saying anything I’ll never know.
Enjoy 2025.”

press send and exit the group. You don’t need to say anything about no longer being friends with them or watching their backs because Hannah will go after one them next. Just simple facts if what they’ve done.

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds just horrible. I suspect that Hannah is indeed jealous of you.

I would just distance yourself and spend time with other friends, but text the other two occasionally. (Things with Hannah are over for good, that much is clear.) You've been friends with the others a long time, and there's something to be said for not burning your bridges. I'd probably consider the friendships over, but I'd just maintain open lines of communication with the other two. Life is long, and they might pull themselves together and side with you. It sounds like they might currently be a bit shocked by Hannah and not know what to do right now.

There's another thread on here tonight about a woman whose daughter will just go for her, verbally, for no reason. Other posters have family members who are the same, and some of them are talking about how they have family members like this and no one else sees that side of them. Posters are saying it sounds like mental illness. It's strange that Hannah would be this nasty after so many years of knowing you. Do you think she's mentally unwell? Not that that's an excuse in any way, shape, or form, but it could be an explanation. Serious, unprovoked relational aggression - which this is - is often down to MH issues. Anyway, whether she's unwell or whether it's jealousy, just know that it's almost certainly not personal.

I'd maintain a Sphinx-like mystery with all of them regarding what you think about it all, and get on with your own life. In my experience, the less you show people how much they've upset you, and the more you show how well you're doing without them, the less power you give them, and then you've basically won.

Also a good way to go.

When someone comes on here after being deeply hurt by someone, why is there always, always someone who says they must have deserved it? Why is it SO impossible to believe that someone can be horrible to someone else without provocation?

I'd either post a message saying you're aware of the nasty messages and the separate group and you are disappointed not one person has defended you and they obviously don't value your friendship . Also point out if she's pushed you out others may be next! Then leave the group.

Or start a new group without Hannah and explain you no longer feel comfortable in the other group due to Hannah's behaviour but you don't want to lose your friends. Then continue your friendship with the rest of the group

It's sad that women are perceived to be supportive of, and kind to, their friends, especially in a group. Because mostly they are not. Bitchiness, back-stabbing and disingenuousness are female specialisms, as evidenced both by the posts on this site and often, the replies given.
It'll happen at work, in your social life and within family.

I’m so sorry that they’ve done this. Friends can grow apart but this isn’t that, all of them and not just Hannah have deliberately excluded you from the secret group and real life meetings at Christmas. They excluded your children from seeing Santa. Not one person defended you against Hannah’s petty rants.

But it’s more than that. When you were promoted, not one of them congratulated you or asked a single question. No one arranged drinks to celebrate. These aren’t your friends anymore and I wouldn’t waste precious time with them and Secret Santa, especially in your own home which, by staying silent when Hannah insulted you, they’ve all criticised.

2025 is a fresh start with new, genuine friends

I like this response. It points out poor behaviour and gives them the opportunity to reflect and apologise - if that's what you want.

I find ultimatums rarely work unless you don't want to see any of them in the future, in which case feel free to throw a grenade and shout 'fuck you' to the lot of them.

I would definitely call out poor behaviour. If you have the balls, it's best in person so they don't have the other WhatsApp group to retreat to.

Sounds like she is jealous of you! Oh all your friends part, that is not how friends behave. I would just message the group chat give them a what for and genuinely cut those people of your lives. I suspect she hasn’t just started bitching about you and this has actually been going on since uni. You’re a grown up and she sounds like a teenager causing unnecessary drama and the others are happy to be involved

This is awful. Message them one last time and make them aware that you know how they have wronged you. Then block.

This is jealousy. Also it's very telling when people gang up on one person. They know that you are powerful alone.

I would give it a year and then group will all call out. With you no longer Hannah's punching bag it will be someone else.

You will get more friends. And you will be able to see people like this coming.

Good luck op. Onwards and upwards. What an absolute cowbag. I think it would be good to point out the 'who's next?'part. But you then must delete and block. Don't be punishing yourself by watching them online.

Ooooh, I like this message. I like it a lot.

I think this is what I'd do too.

Then treat yourself to something fun.

Sorry this happened OP, it's unbelievable how some women can behave like they are 15.