To feel really betrayed?

[BearPearDare]

I’m friends with a group of women I met in the first year of uni in halls when I was 18. We’re all 28/29 now, so have been friends for a good while. We’re all married/in relationships, and we all have babies/toddlers. There’s 4 of us in the group.
Beginning of this month, I noticed one of the friends, “Hannah”, put up an instagram story, tagging in our entire friendship group, of them all out for lunch, including the babies/toddlers. This was a Saturday (we all work Monday to Friday), so they all knew I’d be off, but I wasn’t invited, and nothing about the lunch was mentioned to me. I decided to ignore this. A week later, a similar instagram story from Hannah, this time showing them all out with the babies/toddlers meeting Father Christmas. Again, nothing was mentioned to me. I decided to text one of the other women, “Meghan”, to see if everything was ok. She replied saying that Hannah invited me to lunch but I ignored her, and because of that Hannah didn’t feel comfortable inviting me to the Father Christmas meet-up. I replied saying Hannah never invited me to the lunch and that I had no idea about it. Meghan read my text but never replied. I then put a message in our group chat that we’re all in, asking if anyone was free to meet up soon for a coffee. Everyone read it but only one person, “Heather”, responded saying yes.
I met up with Heather later that day, who was acting really sheepish. I asked her if everything was ok and she ended up telling me that Hannah doesn’t like me, and made a group chat without me in it. I asked her why Hannah doesn’t like me, and she said that Hannah thinks I’m stuck up and annoying. Heather then showed me this secret group chat and it had so many messages from Hannah commenting on my weight, how pathetic I am, how my house isn’t decorated nicely, how my job is embarrassing, etc. None of the other women ever responded to any of this, but none of them stuck up for me either.
I don’t know what I’ve done to upset Hannah, but I feel so hurt. But more so, I feel hurt that all of my other friends are happy to be Hannah’s friend despite how she’s treating me.

For the 10 years we’ve been friends, we’ve done secret Santa on December 23rd every Christmas, before then not seeing each other until New Years drinks. It’s my turn to host it this year and to be honest I just want to cancel and be done with this friend group. I mentioned wanting to cancel to Heather and Meghan on the basis that I don’t feel comfortable being around Hannah anymore, and also that I feel hurt that I’m being treated like this and neither of them seem to care. They said that they have every right to be friends with both me and Hannah, and that it’s not their fault she doesn’t like me. I told them I get that, but I feel like I can’t be friends with them if their comfortable being around someone who can be cruel to me. I feel betrayed by them. AIBU to feel this way? I’m really hurt but I’m being portrayed as dramatic. I haven’t cancelled tomorrow yet, I feel at a loss.

We lived together the whole 3 years at uni, we were all each other’s bridesmaids. I feel unbelievably hurt and like I’m grieving the loss of the people I thought they were, if that makes sense. They were all a huge part of my life

Tell them that they’re all made for each other as they’re fake and pathetic before exiting the group chat and blocking every single one of them. I know this is a horrible situation and you must be SO hurt but don’t allow yourself to be disrespected!

Yes, this. It will put them at odds with each other too which is what they deserve. They decided to stay in the secret bitching group when they could've said 'if you don't like Bear that's up to you, but I don't want to get involved'

I would say nothing about NYE and let them work it out. Plan something else, whether it's going to family or other friends or a family evening at home. Better friends will find you.

Aw this is really hurtful and so childish of them.
New year new start, try and find some new mates x

If I were in your shoes (and I have been before)
I would cancel Secret Santa on the 23rd and let them figure that out.

Then I would just leave the group chat.

They are all treating you awfully. And the fact that no one is actually standing up for you as well, I think it really shows their true colours.

you’re right to be upset OP

This is awful! You don't need Hannah in your life. She can f off.

The other two can be friends with her if they want as stated, but I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing anything with them now. Was Heather showing you all those horrible messages in a kind way, like a real friend, or did she not care how hurtful it would be?

It honestly smacks of school bullies. I hope you know it's not actually your weight or house that's made her decide she doesn't like you. And if you have spoken to her about either of these things that's even worse!

Only you know the dynamics of each friendship but I think you should distance yourself. Don't let them (especially Hannah) know you're hurt. Did you all know each other for the same amount of time?

We’ve all been friends for 10 years, including Hannah. This is why I feel so confused now. Sort of numb like it can’t be real. Sorry if that sounds really dramatic.
I recently got promoted at work and lost some weight, but I didn’t openly brag about these things. I never talk about what I earn or anything like that, I just said “I got promoted” in conversation when Heather asked during a group lunch how work was going a few months back. Nobody asked anything further so we talked about Heather’s work instead. My New Year’s resolution was to lose weight so they all knew I was dieting and going to the gym, and I’m really proud to say that I’ve made really visible progress. Her comments were calling me wobbly mostly.

Really trying not to sound big headed here because I’m really not, but maybe she’s upset I’ve achieved these things? I can’t think of anything else and nothings happened to make any of us fall out.

Yes, it's a classic jealousy move. It is also very school-girl like as others have said. My DD went thru a similar scenario when she was TEN and the queen bee did pick off girls one by one until no one was left in the friend group.

Leave them to it I say, find some new friends with toddlers. Live it up. 🍀

"Hi folks, thought you should all know that Hannah lied to you, and didn't invite me to that lunch. Have fun with your secret Hannah-Bitches-About-BearPearDare group. Sad to see that her self-confidence levels must be on the floor, hope she gets the help she needs. Fuck knows who else she'll lie about. Let me know when you've learnt to stand up to bullies, and good luck to her next victim."

then leave the group.

I'd leave the door ajar to the two that have informed you. It's really hard to stand up to bullies when you've never done it before.

These are not nice women.

I would cancel, tell them why and move on. The fact she feels so comfortable being so vile about you shows that the other women are just as bad.

I’d never allow a comment like that to go unchallenged and I wouldn’t want to be around that kind of behaviour. They ALL are excluding you.

Get away from them and find a group you have more in common with.

Remember that being friends for a long time is no indication of the quality of a friendship.

@Agapornis

You and I might be kindred spirits - I would definitely send something similar to that 👌🏾

People like that are spineless and only care about their own social standing. It’s really shit when you genuinely care about people.

I agree with @Merryoldgoat

sometimes friendships form because of circumstances - all doing the same uni course, needing a houseshare - and you remain in them out of habit and because you have enough circumstantially to tie you together - first jobs, starting to have families. But underneath it all, you really don’t have much in common. It’s clear you have different values to these women, and I lump them all together because they are all actively excluding you but taking part in lunches you were not at, as well as engaging in that second WhatsApp group.

I know it is desperately hurtful, but Hannah is a nasty piece of work, and the others are weak and shallow. You don’t need any of them in your life. With young kids and a career that is going well, you will meet lots of other people with more in common over the next year. Make 2025 about new beginnings with decent people as friends.

I’d message something along the lines of ‘cancelling our annual Secret Santa get-together as the friendship dynamic has changed over the last x months, to the point that I’m excluded from your meet-ups. It isn’t right or fair on me, so I will leave you to arrange amongst yourselves.’

Who will be next, I wonder.

Oh man.
It’s a low down dirty shame you don’t have any dirt on Hannah that you could spill on your way out the door as a parting gift.
For that matter, dirt on any of them would suffice.
You owe them a lovely parting gift.
I’m old and I’m sick to death of leaving quietly and nicely.

What a bunch of arseholes.
Hannah is clearly jealous as hell. I don't usually go with the 'they are just jealous hun' stuff, but in this case, she obviously is. She only started her exclusion and lying when you lost weight and got promoted.
As someone who ditched a toxic, long term friendship group around 8 years ago now, delete the group chat, block and move on. It's NOT worth the energy. I've hand on heart never once regretted moving on. I didn't cause a scene or have an argument, I just faded out and it was one of the best things I've done to improve my life. I certainly wouldn't be fighting to make friends with Hannah again, or asking her what I'd done "wrong". It's nothing; she's a bitch.

What a bunch of mean girls op. I'd be blocking the lot of them without a word tbh. They know what they've done.

I like this because it’s grown-up and gives them nothing to twist into something cackle over.

I ended up being excluded from a friendship group when my good friend went off with the new person I'd introduced to the group. At the time it was very upsetting. All these years later, they are not friends any more. It isn't a stable or nice group. I also left my NCT group as they bitched behind my friend's back and I caught them eye-rolling behind mine. Very upsetting though, OP. I now have lots of lovely friends, including some that I've had for decades. I find one to one, or perhaps a three easier than groups which can bring out the worst in people somehow.

@SleepPrettyDarling I agree that's a very dignified but honest message. Definitely cancel though, you are better off staying in with your husband and baby than going out with people who exclude you. I don't think these things are rational though, it's like being back at school.

Part of me agrees with this too, despite usually trying to do the classier thing! Sometimes I think back and wish I’d shown some anger in some situations.

Hannah isn't your friend

Heather isn't your friend either to show you the other group. She wanted to hurt you, or at least is enjoying the drama

Meghan and Heather both went to 2 events you weren't invited to and tagged you. They also neverstood up to Hannah bitching.

Honestly- just move on. These women aren't worth your time and energy

Don't do anything dramatic- I'd just ghost them all,honestly. As someone who has been ghosted by a very dear friend it's an incredibly hurtful thing to do, and will leave them all with so many questions and no way of answering them.

It's a horrible feeling and absolutely a reflection on them rather than you. I think a breezy message cancelling drinks and then blocking them will deprive them of further oxygen.

Dear all,

This is really hard to write, but i’ve recently been made aware of your meet ups without me, some lies that have been told about me and have been shown the whatsapp group where you talk about me in some pretty horrible terms.

We have been close friends for a decade now and I’m sure you can understand that I am devastated by these recent revelations. I’m just too hurt to be able to pretend everything is ok and so I think it’s for the best that i cancel our plans on <date>.

It sounds like your other friends like Hannah more than you or they wouldn’t be tolerating this. I don’t see how you could ever forgive them after this. New year, new mates. Good luck!