To feel really betrayed?

[BearPearDare]

I’m friends with a group of women I met in the first year of uni in halls when I was 18. We’re all 28/29 now, so have been friends for a good while. We’re all married/in relationships, and we all have babies/toddlers. There’s 4 of us in the group.
Beginning of this month, I noticed one of the friends, “Hannah”, put up an instagram story, tagging in our entire friendship group, of them all out for lunch, including the babies/toddlers. This was a Saturday (we all work Monday to Friday), so they all knew I’d be off, but I wasn’t invited, and nothing about the lunch was mentioned to me. I decided to ignore this. A week later, a similar instagram story from Hannah, this time showing them all out with the babies/toddlers meeting Father Christmas. Again, nothing was mentioned to me. I decided to text one of the other women, “Meghan”, to see if everything was ok. She replied saying that Hannah invited me to lunch but I ignored her, and because of that Hannah didn’t feel comfortable inviting me to the Father Christmas meet-up. I replied saying Hannah never invited me to the lunch and that I had no idea about it. Meghan read my text but never replied. I then put a message in our group chat that we’re all in, asking if anyone was free to meet up soon for a coffee. Everyone read it but only one person, “Heather”, responded saying yes.
I met up with Heather later that day, who was acting really sheepish. I asked her if everything was ok and she ended up telling me that Hannah doesn’t like me, and made a group chat without me in it. I asked her why Hannah doesn’t like me, and she said that Hannah thinks I’m stuck up and annoying. Heather then showed me this secret group chat and it had so many messages from Hannah commenting on my weight, how pathetic I am, how my house isn’t decorated nicely, how my job is embarrassing, etc. None of the other women ever responded to any of this, but none of them stuck up for me either.
I don’t know what I’ve done to upset Hannah, but I feel so hurt. But more so, I feel hurt that all of my other friends are happy to be Hannah’s friend despite how she’s treating me.

For the 10 years we’ve been friends, we’ve done secret Santa on December 23rd every Christmas, before then not seeing each other until New Years drinks. It’s my turn to host it this year and to be honest I just want to cancel and be done with this friend group. I mentioned wanting to cancel to Heather and Meghan on the basis that I don’t feel comfortable being around Hannah anymore, and also that I feel hurt that I’m being treated like this and neither of them seem to care. They said that they have every right to be friends with both me and Hannah, and that it’s not their fault she doesn’t like me. I told them I get that, but I feel like I can’t be friends with them if their comfortable being around someone who can be cruel to me. I feel betrayed by them. AIBU to feel this way? I’m really hurt but I’m being portrayed as dramatic. I haven’t cancelled tomorrow yet, I feel at a loss.

We lived together the whole 3 years at uni, we were all each other’s bridesmaids. I feel unbelievably hurt and like I’m grieving the loss of the people I thought they were, if that makes sense. They were all a huge part of my life

Nooo don’t offer to host! Fuck the lot of them off. Seriously. You don’t need these arseholes in your life.

I’m sorry but if they valued her friendship they wouldn’t have entertained the separate group and all the awful stuff that was said.

I think the existence of the secret group chat shows the others are perfectly aware that Hannah did not invite you to the first meet up. They are complicit in this treatment of you, by going along with this deliberate isolation of you and also for not calling her out on the group chat comments.

Unless you are going to end up with your kids attending the same nurseries and schools, you don't need to taper off this friendship to a dignified ending, so that there is no awkwardness when you meet on the playground. You can bring it to a close yourself, at your own pace. Maybe you still want to be friends?

You have a few options:

1. Go ahead with the secret santa and act like nothing has happened and wonder what the next development in the dynamic will be and whether you will still be friends this time next year
2. Go ahead with the SS and call them out. Depending on the group, Hannah will cry, apologise and things will go back to the way they where, or it could backfire and they all get defensive and walk out, never to speak with you again
3. Dump them all except for Meghan and continue to be friends with her alone
4. Dump the lot of them, rather than waiting for them to dump you.

It all really depends on whether you feel the whole group can move on from this, whether you want to continue to see one or two as friends in the future, or if you think they're just letting you go.

I'm not surprised you feel so upset that. This is horrible of them.

I’m so sorry @BearPearDare - none of these people are your friends. If they were, they would have defended you / called out Hannah for her comments etc. I’m sorry, people can be so cruel

Unfortunately long term friends DO suddenly turn like that. I had a close friend from when I was 5 and she was 4 (our parents were friends). We were friends for about 50 years!! At one point my husband and I were fortunate enough to be able to buy a lovely new build house (by hard work and saving). My friend owned her house which was ex council but a good house in a good area. She clearly resented us buying the new house. She never once visited us there. She constantly made snide comments if I mentioned it .... e.g. I said my husband was painting the utility room and she said "oh my, aren't we posh, we've got a utility room"!!! This was a friend I considered to be closer than my own sister. I trusted her with my most closely guarded secrets. I discovered one particularly private conversation I had with her had been told to her husband, who brought it up when I next saw them, and she sat there smirking. I decided to stop contacting her.... and I never heard from her again. After 50 years if friendship. She died about 4 years later and I didn't go to her funeral.

So .......OP...... Cut these bitches out of your life and DON'T LOOK BACK !!!!! Who needs that crap in their life !!!!

Don't host secret Santa this time and use it to draw a line under the group friendship. Message in the group chat saying something along the lines of, 'I know it's short notice but given recent events I've decided not to host secret Santa this year. I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and that 2025 is good to you and yours...'.

That way, you've been clear about not hosting, alluded to what's been going on but without giving anything away. Finishing with wishes for the future in this way strongly suggests you don't expect to be a part of their futures but have left the door open for individuals to make contact should they wish.

I think this is a great suggestion. Polite, dignified, boundaries clearly set. Then block! And may 2025 bring you wonderful new friends @BearPearDare

That’s what I’d write

It's pathetic and childish that "Hannah" doesn't like you even though you've done nothing wrong.

She's started a secret ostracism campaign against you, and your mutual friends aren't just choosing to still be friends (which is indeed their right): they have stayed in the bitchy group chat to receive her bile, and are also choosing not to support you.

They could have easily said to Hannah "we're not getting involved" and left the chat. Their facilitation has allowed the bitching to escalate into real-life ostracism.

Unfortunately nobody is owed friends, and they can be very fickle; in some ways you're lucky to have escaped experiencing this reality until your late 20's. I don't believe in "true friends", just people you enjoy and have things in common with and help each other out, but it can all change and things can always move on.

You will have to focus on making new friends - start volunteering and joining hobbies. Don't do the Secret Santa bollocks.

Ok, I had this exact issue with university girl friendship group. One girl decided after years of friendship I wasn't for her, invited everyone on holiday but me and I only found out because someone accidentally blurted it out - and this was when we all lived together!

Truth is if you are being excluded and, because you're friends are going along with it, they are not friends at all. After all, they have allowed you to be excluded and tolerated this disrespect towards you.

Unfortunately, it's quite clear there is a campaign against you and this woman wants you ostracised. From her audacious behaviour to date, it's unlikely that she will relent, and in all probability she'll probably get worse as it's now an open secret.

I suggest you cut your losses with this group and move on. Leave the group chat, unfriend/follow on social media and don't engage further with them. It's not a you issue no matter how rude and derogatory this woman has been about you. Don't waste anymore time/energy/ thought on them. Make room in your life for people who actually care for you.

This isn't about you btw, it's probably more of a control issue that this woman has. Trying to rake through all that you may have done to upset/offend is you buying into the narrative that it's a you problem when quite clearly it is not. Some people are just nasty.

Sorry that you're going through this, it's painful and isolating, but if you're strong enough to walk away, in the long run you will be happier for it 💐

Oh and please do not go ahead with secret Santa @BearPearDare

You’d think Hannah was 12! Very childish behaviour. Good advice on what to say above, but certainly dont do secret Santa and end the friendship with all. Hannah unpleasant and probably jealous. The others should have supported you but didn’t so they are not good friends either.

Horrible for you and very upsetting.

Cancel the 23rd.

leave the group chat - say exactly why.

unfollow and block on socials.

get new friends as these girls are not your friends

im sorry x

‘After seeing the separate WhatsApp group and the way I’ve been discussed, I’m cancelling tomorrow and leaving the group. I’ve been really upset, I thought we were good friends. I wish good luck to Hannah‘s next target, I confess I didn’t see it coming.’

The group will likely implode soon after, they’ll be annoyed and ashamed that one of them shared the group with you. Hannah will double down and want sympathy and the others will shear off into yet another separate group and you’ll be well out of it. Then you’ll probably hear from one or two of them later on, but it would be hard to trust them after that. I do doubt it’s Hannah‘s first rodeo though, has she had a number of other friendship issues?

”Sorry I am cancelling today. Please don’t come”
Block and Delete the chat (put it into archive if you need to, but basically make it invisible)
Block and delete them on SM, change their specific ringtones so you know if it’s them calling without checking. You can block and delete their numbers too if you need to.
Move on: New Year, New You! You and your children deserve better!

Oh I would have to drop the cat right into the pigeons...

'After seeing the 'secret bitch about BearPearDare' WhatsApp group and discovering Hannah lied about why I didn't attend (it is hard to attend an event you have not been invited to, and are unaware is happening) I have decided to take a step back. I will not be hosting SS this year.

It is of course entirely up to you who you are friends with, but I'd like to remind you, when people show you who they are... believe them."

And then get out of the group, block, delete, whatever you want to do.

That will reveal that someones outed Hannahs behaviour but she won't know who, and the rest of the group are going to work out that one of them will be next!

Hannah is nasty but your friends not defending you is worse. Let them have each other. They will all turn on each eventually.

Cancel the secret Santa and new year drinks with one messsge on the group chat that you are aware of their poor behaviour and that you have no wish to see them again. Block and delete.

Focus on making individual friendships going forward, groups more often than not implode like this. Too many power dynamics.

i would consider keeping heather as a friend if she makes the effort, she was at least honest with you.

You and dh can treat yourselves to something lovely at NY with the money you would have spent hosting.

Definitively agree with the suggestion to tell them exactly why you're leaving in the group chat.

Drop a grenade on the lot of them. Hannah will be paranoid about which one showed you the secret bitching chat, and start to turn on one another. Even if they all solidify against you after that, it doesn't matter, they will always be paranoid and nasty, it will affect the group dynamic and they'll eventually fizzle out.

Absolutely this

All 3 of them are as bad as each other. Message in the morning saying you aren't hosting secret santa and then leave the group and block them all.

"Hi, I won't be attending today after reading the screenshots of Hannah being hurtful/nasty/jealous of me in the secret group chat. I will be leaving this group chat but to the multiple people who have showed me all of this, please feel free to stay connected privately, don't worry I won't name you. Enjoy your day"....... .. This will make them all flap, especially Hannah herself wondering who and how many. Wether you should be friends with any of them is debatable regardless.

You are completely right to feel betrayed.
None of them are your friends. Hannah has been nasty about you, but the other 2 willingly stayed in the private group throughout it all. It wasn't some sort of huge 10-person chat where someone could join and just about get away with pretending to miss the comments or not responding.

You deserve real friends!
Congratulations on your promotion etc. by the way :)

PS. Do you really want to raise your children with 'friends' like these?

This makes the OP into the victim, Hannah will be rubbing her hands in glee.

no way would I admits hurt, why do that. They don't deserve it,

Basically Hannah (and the others, by their spineless lack of action) has shown herself as someone the OP doesn't need to waste a nano second of thought on.

it isn't about walking away quietly and nicely, its meh, my Field of Fucks is Barron, you've shown me who you are, so it's Hasta La Vista.

It's @SleepPrettyDarling response, all the way, Cold, hard, facts, zero emotion and no opportunity for them to twist the words. Get rid, OP and get your revenge by leading your best life without all that baggage.

I would message the group telling them to f off to the far side of beyond and when they are there to f off a bit further!!