To feel really betrayed?

[BearPearDare]

I’m friends with a group of women I met in the first year of uni in halls when I was 18. We’re all 28/29 now, so have been friends for a good while. We’re all married/in relationships, and we all have babies/toddlers. There’s 4 of us in the group.
Beginning of this month, I noticed one of the friends, “Hannah”, put up an instagram story, tagging in our entire friendship group, of them all out for lunch, including the babies/toddlers. This was a Saturday (we all work Monday to Friday), so they all knew I’d be off, but I wasn’t invited, and nothing about the lunch was mentioned to me. I decided to ignore this. A week later, a similar instagram story from Hannah, this time showing them all out with the babies/toddlers meeting Father Christmas. Again, nothing was mentioned to me. I decided to text one of the other women, “Meghan”, to see if everything was ok. She replied saying that Hannah invited me to lunch but I ignored her, and because of that Hannah didn’t feel comfortable inviting me to the Father Christmas meet-up. I replied saying Hannah never invited me to the lunch and that I had no idea about it. Meghan read my text but never replied. I then put a message in our group chat that we’re all in, asking if anyone was free to meet up soon for a coffee. Everyone read it but only one person, “Heather”, responded saying yes.
I met up with Heather later that day, who was acting really sheepish. I asked her if everything was ok and she ended up telling me that Hannah doesn’t like me, and made a group chat without me in it. I asked her why Hannah doesn’t like me, and she said that Hannah thinks I’m stuck up and annoying. Heather then showed me this secret group chat and it had so many messages from Hannah commenting on my weight, how pathetic I am, how my house isn’t decorated nicely, how my job is embarrassing, etc. None of the other women ever responded to any of this, but none of them stuck up for me either.
I don’t know what I’ve done to upset Hannah, but I feel so hurt. But more so, I feel hurt that all of my other friends are happy to be Hannah’s friend despite how she’s treating me.

For the 10 years we’ve been friends, we’ve done secret Santa on December 23rd every Christmas, before then not seeing each other until New Years drinks. It’s my turn to host it this year and to be honest I just want to cancel and be done with this friend group. I mentioned wanting to cancel to Heather and Meghan on the basis that I don’t feel comfortable being around Hannah anymore, and also that I feel hurt that I’m being treated like this and neither of them seem to care. They said that they have every right to be friends with both me and Hannah, and that it’s not their fault she doesn’t like me. I told them I get that, but I feel like I can’t be friends with them if their comfortable being around someone who can be cruel to me. I feel betrayed by them. AIBU to feel this way? I’m really hurt but I’m being portrayed as dramatic. I haven’t cancelled tomorrow yet, I feel at a loss.

We lived together the whole 3 years at uni, we were all each other’s bridesmaids. I feel unbelievably hurt and like I’m grieving the loss of the people I thought they were, if that makes sense. They were all a huge part of my life

I would cancel and put in the group that you are very upset with how Hannah in particular has behaved, but also that none of the others have called her out on her bitchy behaviour and life is to short to have friends like them in your life. I would finish with a warning, that if Hannah can turn them against you, and you leave then it’s likely one of them will be next in Hannah’s line of fire

Do not send this.

I think I’d send a message after the meet up time for secret santa:

” you can probably guess I’m not coming today, my wobbly arse can’t be bothered after I’ve found out Hannah, someone I thought was a friend lied about inviting me to lunch and set up a group chat excluding me and slagging me off. I’m greatfull to the person who showed me the messages, but at the same time sad that my other 2 close friends haven’t actually stood up for me or called Hannah out. I’m not sure exactly what I’ve done wrong all I can think of is this feels extremely childish like I’m the victim of schoolyard bullying. Going forward I would like to think are friendship could be salvaged, however, I’m leaving the ball entirely in your courts.”

This would absolutely put a spanner in their festive catch up as Hannah will have no idea which one showed you the messages and it’s leaving the next steps to them.

Anyone who allows others to act badly without intervening condones the behaviour. Of course circumstances may mean intervening is a safety risk, so could be understandable, but in this case @BearPearDare they are all condoning her behaviour, so none of them are your friends.

Good luck finding friends who deserve you, try Facebook for women's groups near you x

Yeah, think I'd do this.

And then block them all. They've all behaved terribly and it's time to move on from the group.

Oh, and also cancel tomorrow. I'd not even give a reason. I'd do a one liner in the group chat, delete and block.
As tempting as it is to get angry, it's never the satisfying moment you think it will be. It just gives the group some drama; something to moan about and feel validated that they cut you out. I'm so glad I did the slow fade exit because I felt it gave me the power. I made the decision, I was the mature one who did it without childish games. I even received a message online a few years back in my spam folder from one of them apologising and trying to justify their nastiness. I didn't respond and left it on read. So much more satisfying.

So Hannah is jealous about your promotion and weight loss. Charming.

pack them all in - awful behaviour all round. Of course your hurt but you need friends who are happy when you succeed, not spiteful and insecure

Secret Santa is cancelled. Hannah's a cunt and the rest of you are cowards. Merry Christmas.

Block them all. They're sad little mean girls and will end up in a disused graveyard because they've burned all their bridges. If the two cowards don't realise that Hannah will soon turn on one of them once you're out of the picture then they're as stupid as they sound.

^ This is a classy, dignified and grown up response.

Getting petty, vengeful or burning bridges isn’t wise, however briefly cathartic it might feel.

I’m sorry, Bear. My daughter went through something similar but at least they had the excuse of being 16 at the time. (The ringleader had them all scared, and they all came crawling back to apologise to DD 8 months later)

They sound like a horrible bunch of cunts. As painful as it is, you're best off without. They didn't back you up and allowed gossip to fester regarding your physical traits and your home. How dare they? That is not normal behaviour. People change and sometimes for the worse. Put them in the bin.

Thats horrible and v sad after all those years. I would have to drop all of them. But I would say to heather and Megan that as it’s been so easy for you to have been turned on, they really should be wondering which of them will be next. Not just to make them uncomfortable enough to ruin the trio for all of them but because it’s likely Hannah just likes being a cow

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

These people are all complicit. Your trust has been broken terribly and you’ve been let down. Let yourself grieve. I had very similar happen to me at one of the worst times of my life and lost my only friendship group at the time. I remain friends with one, and have worked through it in therapy, but I’ll never really get past it. I do now have some wonderful friends, as well as rediscovering older ones, who are real and I can trust with the more vulnerable parts of myself, and you will too. ❤️

If people cannot look after your name when you are not in the room, are they truly friends?

How horrible! I am sorry that you have been hurt this way, but at least now you know people’s true thoughts and feelings about you, as upsetting as it is to hear. Life is a winding path with lots of crossroads and deviations. Sometimes folk are only sharing our path for a season. Maybe this season has ended?

My thoughts FWIW - Re your group chat and the fact you would normally host a get together, I would be brutally honest and give the same message to all. Suggestion: ‘Hi ladies, it’s that time of year again and I am due to host us all for New Year’s drinks. In the spirit of our long-standing friendship, I need to be honest: I was very hurt to not be invited to both the recent group lunch and also excluded from the group visit to Father Christmas. I was hurt and puzzled to only find out about them both via Instagram. I have since been made aware of an alternative group chat, from which again I was excluded, where some pretty hurtful and very personal criticisms were said against me. I am sure that you will understand why I am feeling pretty shell shocked about this turn of events, however I am happy to host as usual to anyone in the group who would like to join me. Please let me know by tomorrow.

You are not returning nastiness with nastiness, and you are leaving the door open to those who like you and value your friendship. Be prepared to accept that folk will vote with their feet.

They are all behaving like school yard bitches.
They are bullies of the highest order.
Only remain in contact with the ones who informed you... and anyone who accepts your invitation, if you follow above advice.

Make a better bunch of friends. They are not even friendly.

Sadly, this kind of behaviour is not dedicated solely to the younger generation. I imagine I am an 'old bird' by comparison but I still have feelings too.
I am involved with a group who support various local charities. There was a craft display in a nearby town recently and one of our group who was going on her own invited two of the others to go along with her but she totally ignored me and I was sitting opposite her at the time. She knew I had no means of getting to the display at the time. Over the past couple of years my OH and I have given her lifts, helped her out when she had problems and yet she could not be arsed to offer a lift to me, which I would have gladly given petrol money for.
I know how hurt the OP feels but she should know that she is the bigger person in all this - stand proud young lady and don't let the bitches grind you down my lovely!
Merry Christmas x

If Hannah had said "I don't know what it is, something rubs me the wrong way" about me. I'd be like, "well okay I guess. you don't have to be friends with everyone". HOWEVER she's not saying that, she's openly saying mean and rude things about you.

I've cut friends off for this type of behaviour (befriending or remaining friends with bad/rude people). By befriending, or remaining friends, with someone who does/says certain bad/mean things about me you either:

1. Don't believe me (if I told you about it)
2. Think I deserve it
3. Value their friendship more than me

There is no middle ground for me. These are shitty friends. They should have called her on her crap.

Is this real? It's so easily detectible.

If it's real, don't for gods sake make a scene of any drama. There is absolutely no point.

Fade away. Disappear over time. Don't give them any ammo to bitch about you. Stay polite and dignified.

It's painful and really nasty but you have nothing to win here. They've all detached and picked a team. Accept it and just leave them to it. Let them.

Sorry but this Hannah is being an awful bitch! I've been on the reverse side of this in that there was a lady in my uni friendship group who changed alot when she met her partner, being quite judgemental and tbh just hard work/dictated our group conversation all the time about her life and how amazing her partner is and he is always right etc etc. Our friendship group really struggled with the change in conversations during group meet ups.

It got to the point where none of us really wanted to suggest meeting up anymore. I maintained single friendships with two of the girls and then that naturally became the 3 of us. We ended up creating another group and meeting without her and all agree we have a more enjoyable time, but we didn't bitch about her apart from just initially talking about how we felt she had change (and also concern about the type of relationship she had going) but we all still wish her happiness, just the friendship group changed alot. But We do not post our meet ups on Instagram as we don't want to cause her any upset. I think as far as she knows we just meet up individually (and I have stayed in contact with her as on a 1:1 basis I found her alright plus I worry about her and her partner being low level controlling).

My point is that this Hannah is deliberately being nasty - there is no need - even if you don't like someone's company anymore which can happen and she has the right to organise what she wants/with who she wants and you have to accept that.

What is not nice however is the bitchiness and deliberate posting etc to try and make you feel shit. Id just withdraw from the group and enjoy your own family/other friends. Life is too short to be trying to beg for friendship from the others too who clearly won't stand up for you!

Sending love 💕

“BearPearDare is my friend, too and I’m not interested in hearing someone slag my friend off” is what the other two could have said if they actually cared to be friends with both of you and were just trying to stay out of any conflict. Unfortunately it sounds like they don’t care much. They may be afraid of Hannah ousting them too or they might just be spineless and don’t want to acknowledge now that they handled this wrong.

I’m sorry, I know it feels absolutely awful. You’re right to be hurt and angry and to grieve the loss of the friendships. I would probably cancel the secret Santa and just let them go be awful bitches together at this point. They’ll undoubtedly turn on each other eventually.

said that Hannah thinks I’m stuck up and annoying. Heather then showed me this secret group chat and it had so many messages from Hannah commenting on my weight, how pathetic I am, how my house isn’t decorated nicely, how my job is embarrassing

Wow…has Hannah always been a bitch?! What is your job? Is it OnlyFans?! She isn’t your friend and I can’t imagine why she would say all those things.

Message Hannah on the group chat and say you know what she's been doing/saying, and that she may not like you, but that's no reason for her to act like a 13 year old bitch. You'd rather be 'stuck up with a terribly decorated house than a childish, mean cow, or a supposed friend who lets someone else talk about me that way'. Wish them luck, then block the lot of them and move on. You need people around you that you can trust.
I say this as someone who found out their 'friends' were doing the same thing and I just had to cut them off. As soon as that trust was gone, they had to go. It was hard, but I recovered in time. I did feel a sort of grief at the loss of my friends.

This is the best…. Dignified even if you don’t feel like being dignified and nice

Friendships change and that’s ok but they way the mean girl handled it is not ok but I’m sure one of the other girls will be on the receiving end of her nastiness soon enough

No response is a response. When you have been disrespected so much by people you thought were friends, just cut the ties and move on. You're going to be upset for a time but you don't need this and the fact that the others allowed this to happen speaks volumes about them. Block block block

This sounds like Hannah is jealous.

Did H think she was the prettiest, slimmest, best paid person in the group but then you started to overtake her and suddenly she feels you are better than her so she is removing the competition