Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

If he is too ill then he is too ill. Maybe a one way lift. You could emphasise that it is a really nasty, contagious bug that you all have and you don't want her to catch it. In the longer term maybe he can work on developing stronger boundaries and being able to state to either of you what he actually wants, but that won't happen in two days.

It sounds as though she's done a great job of alienating her son (and you) and she is lucky he hasn't cut her off completely for her attitude. You're being totally reasonable here I think. He needs to just say no.

I think the point that is blindingly obvious is that "his mum" is his boss.

Surely there should be a whole section of Mumsnet dedicated to "frustrated wives and husbands who still haven't worked out how to say NO to their mums."

If you were the mother in law, would you really want to spend Christmas Day with somebody who so obviously resents you? I wouldn't.

Calling names is pathetic.

Not me. That's my age.
My mother died suddenly when she was 59.
I'd do anything to have a shopping trip with her.
My point is just that she wants to spend time with her son on Christmas Eve.
I don't know why it's such an irritation.

Think yourself lucky you will get the afternoon with your family! I’m working till 10pm and my partner till he finishes which can be anytime before then! Then not being able to relax but have to start veg and cooking meat so you have at least time to open your presents Christmas Day before cooking for ten. You seem very self centred

Why does her mil have to appreciate her ? or "anything" her, they are just two random strangers thrown together because her son started having sex with the op and decided to live together.

I'd be iritated op, especially if your husband doesn't want to do it either, as others have said it makes you look the unreasonable one.

OP has said that he doesn't want to do it!

MIL is being incredibly controlling. DH told her he didn’t want to do shopping Christmas Eve and she is still giving him the guilt treatment.

No wonder OP is frustrated. But at the end of the day it is up to him. In my opinion he should call her bluff and let her get taxis if she insists on going shopping .

It’s definitely time for DH to say he doesn’t enjoy it. She clearly does and wants to carry on with the tradition every year. He’ll have to be the one to end it now.

If he enjoys it or is fine with it, he should carry on.

You are coercively controlling. Get a grip.

If he doesn't want to do it he needs to put his foot down and just tell her- if you forbid him from doing it it will only add fuel to the fire with her resentment towards you. If he feels like he can't let her down then he needs to tell her what time he will be there and what time he needs to be leaving as you have plans, and stick to it.

Because her son now has small children who take priority over her insisting she does her food shop on a specific day at a specific time

I'm sure she can manage to go a day or two before, it won't kill her.

She's SIXTY SIX

That's not old.

I'd never ask my son to take me shopping. I'd get in the car/call a taxi/catch a bus and do it myself

I thought she was in her 80s

JFHC 🙄

She is his mum….his family and yours.

Im probably projecting because I would hate it!😂

She sounds like a CF who thinks you should all dance to her tune - she's refused all the perfectly reasonable alternatives you've suggested, she wants everything exactly on her own terms with zero compromise!

She won't visit you, won't order online, won't get a taxi, won't go after SIL finishes work... she'll keep doing shit like this unless you train her out of it. If you keep giving in to her tantrums she'll keep doing it because it works.

Tell DH to stand firm unless he wants to spend every Christmas Eve for the next 20 years fighting his way round a crowded supermarket.

I am sympathetic honestly but he doesn't have to, he is choosing - perhaps as he can't countenance saying no to her but it is a choice. He is trying to avoid feeling guilty and feeling resentful instead and that resentment is now yours as well. Between guilt and resentment choose guilt every time.

This is so fucking insulting to actual victims of coercive control. Shame on you.

It really is up to him to say what her wants to do. If he wants to help her fair enough, if he doesn't fair enough.
I don't tolerate from anyone being told what I can /can't do.
You are with the kids do something with them, dad can join in when he returns.

I thought you were going to say 86! And I was going to say ah let them.

but 66? Wow. She’s enjoying her moment with him and if he isn’t keen that is controlling

No, it won't kill her.
I don't know why this is creating so much anger.
Anyway.
It sounds very much as if she's alienated the OP, and there's consequently a poor relationship.
That's very sad

You're not being unreasonable.
Why not suggest mil gets a taxi to the shop and your DH can collect her and help her unpack, have a cup of tea. This seems like a reasonable compromise. That's if he's not feeling too ill.
But I feel sorry for you, I'm nearly 66 and I thankfully dtive and have my own car. I don't have "learned helplessness" , but know plenty who do. I often wonder if I'm the mug as I'm so self sufficient!
I'd be making it clear that this tradition has to be shared around the family (ie sil) and mil will have to fit in when it suits the sil.
Sounds like your mil is jealous of the time you get to spend with your DH.

OP - YANBU. But, you have a DH problem.

As for MIL dictating the date and time? If someone was doing me a favour, then I would accommodate their schedule. Understandable if she doesn't want to do an online shop, but if I relied on anyone to physically take me to the shop, I'd be grateful enough to do a day/time they suggested that works for them.

But, it's up to your DH to put his foot down, not you - he can suggest either tomorrow 23rd, or early morning Christmas Eve (or any other time on 24th that works for you as a family), or nothing.

I'm 66 - why the feck does he have to "unpack, make lunch, etc"???

Seriously - he could just take her and drop her at home with the shopping. He's choosing to unpack and make lunch for her.