Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

Plus that’s assuming DH doesn’t get held up by traffic and the cup of tea MIL insists on having before they leave MIL’s house doesn’t take even longer.

Sounds too similar to experiences in my family (and other people’s I know of) but so far the big difference being it sounds like the SIL is willing and able to do a turn. That’s a bonus and MIL is being way too stubborn to not accept the offer to go with her instead for my liking.

Basically, this entire problem could be solved by DH growing a pair and communicating like a big boy. That way, it’d be clear what he wanted and what he didn’t, and OP wouldn’t be in the position of trying to manage it all.

No, its not easy or nice standing up to a manipulative mother, but that’s the job when you’re a spouse and parent.

How old is she? Does she have an OH? Any other children?

I think it is the let and allow that is the issue

can you husband prioritise his family on Xmas eve given the options he has presented - yes
should he - yes

can you say unilaterally no and that you are the boss - no

do you also have to balance out the implications of saying no - yes

this needs to be a joint decision

Wow “let him” “put foot down”
glad your not my partner.

RTFT! And the OP, FFS.

Food shopping on Christmas eve is my idea of hell, your poor dh

She is family…

I think if you're so selfish you refuse to spend Christmas Day with your son and his children but you're quite happy to demand that he spend Christmas Eve being your personal servant and dancing precisely to your tune/timings then yes she should sometimes bloody well suck it up and think of others, the selfish cow.

I don't tolerate from anyone being told what I can /can't do.

Me neither.

Why would any adult ‘not let’ another adult do anything OP?

No wonder relationships fail or so many adults feel controlled.

maybe read Ops posts, she has given all this info!

I'm not angry, just think she's behaving like a spoilt child.

At 66 years of age, I'd be absolutely mortified to demand hours of my adult sons' time on Christmas Eve just so I could go to the supermarket.

'If you forbid him from doing it' If someone took that attitude with me theycould fuck right off.

My mum wouldn’t do an online shop either but that was because she liked to see what was on the shelves, what’s new, what took her fancy. It was also an outing for her as she was quite isolated at home. Seeing other people and being part of the hustle and bustle of the Christmas shop is probably part of it. Your DH should take her.

You're missing the point, either deliberately or because of a lack of empathy. She wants to see her son, who not long ago was her little boy, on Christmas eve. She probably looks forward to this. Adding her things to your order just isn't the same, can't you see that?
You sound like one of those horrible DILs who try to alienate their partner from his family.
Don't be so mean, you grinch.

I would find this grating too but also understand why she likes to go in person.

Can they go early so you still get the afternoon together? Or next year he needs to set a boundary with her that they go on the 23rd. That seems fair all round. But ultimately it's on him isn't it, not mil.

I can see everyone's point of view.

For his mum, it's a nice little tradition.

For your husband, it's something that's not a bother and he wants to do it.

For you, Christmas Eve is family time and that's totally understandable. My husband is very close with his mum which is good but he thinks she could never do any wrong meanwhile is always so annoyed and grumpy with me. It's heartbreaking but only after we got married I realised he didn't have the mental space for having a wife because his parents are his main family. Wondering if your situation is somewhat similar and there's a lot more happening behind the scenes.

In other words you never spend xmas day with her - let me guess you see your family 😂
If you know she always wants to do this christmas eve and its their little tradition, just spend time as a family the 23rd? Plan for it as its always going happen probably.
I hate online shopping for the christmas shop. I love choosing my christmas food, its one of the pleasures of christnas 😁

If he's happy to do it, I would leave him to it. It's his mum, and he's showing to your children that his mum is still important to him.

Which in turn will be relevant when your children are adults and you want some amount of time with one of them, conditional upon whether or not their spouse 'allows' them to.

But this isn’t about just adding things to your shopping, it sounds like she enjoys this tradition of shopping and her son taking her.
If she isn’t a nice person, if she treats you all horribly and demands a shopping trip that your DH hates, then fair enough, put your foot down.

*edited as I’ve since read some other of the OP’s comments

Everyone is different though.
I recently turned 60 and have many health issues which make my life very difficult.
Age is irrelevant.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If she was cooking Christmas dinner for your family, it would be reasonable for your DH to help her with the shopping, but that's not the case and he offered her a few other alternatives which she turned down.

What's she like as a grandmother? You say that she finds your children too boisterous. Does this mean that she doesn't want to see them very often?

I think in a nice thing to do but if he's doing the favour he should get to decide when. Can he take her the 23rd?

There’s No One Quite Like Grandma! 😆

You should ring her up on Christmas Day and get the children to sing the chorus to that down the phone to her as loud as they can. Then she’ll know about headaches!

I’d imagined she was 10-15 years older! I’m the same age, definitely not welded to choosing my own veg and regretting I didn’t take up the offer of December in Benidorm. Yes being widowed is shite but I really think she is capable of doing her own shopping, I assume she does it the rest of the year?
Half way house might be to get her lust, DH shops first thing, takes it to her as a surprise, has coffee with her then comes home. Easily all done by 11 am