Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

She’s a couple of years older than me and I don’t know ANYONE who doesn’t shop online. My mother was doing her own online shopping in her 80s!

I'm widowed and older than her. I think she's very selfish. The run up to Christmas is busy and I wouldn't expect my kids to run around after me.
I wouldn't try to tell your husband what to do though or go in a sulk over it. It will spoil your Christmas more than if he just does whatever he decides and gets home asap.
Let him get irritated himself and keep out of it.

How much shopping does one 66 yo MIL need? "Struggle with her shopping" ffs!

How do you think most 66 yo's do their shopping? They don't have unpaid chauffeurs/footmen you know?

I was ready to say YABU, she's his mum etc. But then I saw she is 66. 66!

My mum is a bit like this - doesn't 'trust' the sell-by dates if she hasn't picked them herself. But she is 82!

I mean I'm still on the fence. A morning on Christmas Eve does not seem so bad, you still have the afternoon and evening. But, I dunno - the 66 thing has really thrown me, tbh!

If your husband does not want to do this, he should tell his mum no. If he does want to do it, or feels unable to say no, you don't get to overrule him.

Your MIL just wants to spend one food shop with her son on Christmas Eve. She is a lonely widow, with only your DH and one daughter in the country. Christmas is the time when family is important. She’s not demanding your DH/her son help her with her weekly food shop. This is a small thing that is very important to her and your DH wants to do for her.

You are coming across as insanely jealous and controlling. This isn’t about putting the DC first.

Surely he just takes her earlier in the day. Which leaves the whole afternoon and evening for you and the children.

I couldn’t imagine telling my husband what he can and can’t do with his own mother!

The cheek of it.

It’s his Mum! As I found out recently when my 21 year old daughter passed away, life is too short. He should take her, it’s a nice tradition for her.

I am on the fence about this. Your DH is ill and going out on Christmas Eve is just the worst at the best of the times.

On the other hand this sounds like it is a Christmas tradition for him and his mother. If he wants to go I would just establish your own tradition with your DC that you do something while he is gone that you and the DC enjoy but he might not like.

Also, chances are you will remember something you need from the shops so your DH will admirably placed to pick it up for you.

Oh LoudPlumDog I am so sorry to hear about your DD. I hope you have family and friends close by to comfort you this Christmas.

She wants to spend a bit of time with him at Christmas on her own.
If he goes in the morning for a few hours, then you have the rest of the day together.

You don’t have to put your foot down or allow a grown man to do anything. If he doesn’t want to go and to much of a coward to say he’s busy or say he will take her on whatever date at whatever time and that’s the only time he can go then that’s on him.

she needs to do her shopping on 22nd or 23rd, theres no need for her to do it on xmas eve, I would tell her this.

A tradition she has forced on him. The last 3 years he’s helped as obviously she had lost FIL it wasn’t meant to be forever .

At my supermarkets, the driver arrives in the designated taxi area, which is clearly marked by the main doors, s/he shouts a surname, and if it is yours you raise your hand push your trolley toward the boot and s/he will open the boot and load your bags for you. They will unload for you at the other hand and place your bags at your door or in the hall if you ask them to help.

It's pretty seamless really. And the drivers are very chatty if you want them to be. You get to learn aaaalll about the traffic problems in the area ... how the local hospital has gone to the dogs ... the council's latest failings. It's a whole bonus day out.

So it’s up to him to say no. Just leave him to it.

Very sorry to hear this

How would that work if your DC have specific all day plans for Xmas eve? How old are the DC?

If Christmas Eve is busy, could he take her on 23rd? Though shouldn't have to do it if he's unwell - tell her she might catch something! (Haven't read everything but she does sound a pain in the neck - maybe needs gentle encouragement to be more independent).

It's Christmas. She wants to do this. Why are you being so mean about it? Don't worry, she won't be around for ever, wanting lifts and time with her son.
Just step back and think about it. Let it be.

So hang on, she’s 66 and was widowed 24 years ago? In her early forties? And she’s not regained any independence since then?

I’m genuinely sorry life hasn’t been kind to her in that sense, but why on earth is she now acting like a doddery old woman with no choice but to lean on her son?

You may be being reasonable. However this is probably not a battle you can win without damaging your relationships. How about instead you start a tradition that you and DC have a special treat just with mum in that time?

Christmas films with lots of snacks, trip to the park with a flask of hot chocolate, go to the cinema, ice skating in town etc depending on ages and what’s available locally. It’s your special time with them then dad will join in for something else later.

Basically you can’t change other people, but you can choose how you react.

I don't blame you for being annoyed, she doesn't have to do her shopping on xmas eve, she sounds selfish

I’m not convinced that the OP’s interpretation of what he does or doesn’t want to do is going to be as unbiased as many seem to think it is.

OP and her mil clearly don’t have a fantastic relationship and a lot of it sounds quite hostile and snidey from both parties. As it stands a shopping trip on Xmas eve is likely to be the extent of mil’s requests/demands over Christmas, for someone who didn’t really want to be in her company anyway, I’d consider that a win.

I don’t think the DH is in a particularly healthy position but it’s up to him how he manages the two very separate relationships.