Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

Well the OP is now proving that she did steal him....

Fucking hell some of these replies....I can't even...

Are the windup merchants just out in force today or what?

Your family sounds delightful and I pity you. Mine are not like that at all. All of them have been worried about what I would do this Christmas, which I had intended would be one where my DH and I would have both days to ourselves. But DH died in January - and I am so glad he spent his last Christmas and New Year surrounded by family and friends - and so no-one wants me to be on my own. I declined the large family party on Christmas Day with DSS and family feeling that I could not bear it, since the contrast would be so great. Everyone is happy with that. DS is coming on Christmas Eve to stay, and also DSS and DSGC (who are adults) will visit. I cannot see a Christmas when I will ever be alone. But I do my own Christmas shopping - and not on Christmas Eve, which I hate doing.

Think your projecting a lot of your past experiences on him , if you have never experienced a family of (course not your fault )you may not understand . It sounds perfectly normal. as for the response about how life would look in 2054 you just come across as I will be fine in reality you won't as you have a family as you said 🤷🏽‍♀️

I would tell him that he can go but he's taking the kids with him. They can join in his and MIL's little tradition while you have some quiet time.

It's not "controlling" to think your fellow parent can't just wander off at will and dump the kids on you without agreeing it first. Both parents should assume they're on duty with the kids at all times unless pre-arranged with the other parent.

Well fucking hell, she is controlling when her DH can interact with his mother!!!

#MakingTreasuredMemoriesUpTheAsdas

Totally agree. My adult DCs and their partners have their own lives to lead, the last thing I'd do is to be so demanding like the OP's MIL is.

Families with little DCs need to set their own traditions for Christmas Eve and I would not want to encroach on that as a MIL.

The kids definitely shouldn't miss out on this! Quality grandparent time.

As an older person I am horrified that you feel so angry about him wanting to help his mother. As has been said picking the ingredients that she will cook is part of the 'cooking is love' principle.

Can you imagine the vitriol on this site if a man said I will not allow my wife to do xyz. You would all be screaming, dump him, divorce him! Etc.

Your husband is a grown up. If he wants to take his Mother shopping then so be it.

Are you busy though? You said that you're all unwell. If DH is feeling well enough then it's up to him, surely? Most people work on Christmas Eve, it's just a normal day until the evening.

But most people work on Christmas Eve, as is your SiL. So the DC wanting to do things is not something many of us can sympathise with, since it's not an option. My DS is working till the late afternoon, DD will be working afaik, as are DGC who are adults and run businesses; DSS has chosen not to work, but is both self-employed and can afford to. Once home on Xmas Eve most people then have to sort out Christmas dinner and organising presents, making last minute visiting arrangements, etc. You are very lucky your DH has the day off, most don't. And shop workers have to work on Boxing Day (though why anyone wants to shop on Boxing Day eludes me - we spend it at home or with family).

The OPs SiL.

This. For goodness sakes, can't you spare your DH for a few hours one day in the year ?
You are just doing this because it annoys you. Let him decide not to do it if he doesn't want to. She probably looks forward to it all year.

I think neither of you sound in the right and I feel for your DH being in the middle. I would ‘let’ him take her but arrange to meet for coffee/lunch with the kids during the trip. It will shorten his visit as no lunch after and you’ll all get to spend some time together somewhere neutral.

Your MIL probably just finds things difficult being with a ‘complete’ family after being widowed and might need a little nudge to spend time with the kids. It’s not about her age but about losing her whole life as she knew it.

Im with you OP and I’m a slave to my elderlies. There is absolutely no reason why this couldn’t be done in advance. Meat could be ordered in andvance and collected today or tomorrow. Veg will be perfectly fine from last Thursday, I’ve had sprouts in my fridge since November, no deterioration.

Nibbles and Christmas treats have been on the shelves since September. There is zero excuse for not planning ahead, and I say that as a carer for my 88 year old mum who still enjoys cooking but needs help with her shopping.

your DH should have put his foot down last week though. I went to Tesco today for Imodium and it was hell on earth. Why wouldn’t you plan ahead?

I would do it this year but give advance warning throughout the year of what 8s happening in 25.

But he should take the kids with him. Because he's also a parent.

So you're not busy? If you can have her round her can take her shopping.

She probably looks forward to it all year.

She must lead a very empty life then... if walking round a busy supermarket with her son at her side, is something to look forward to all year.

She probably does lead quite an empty life since she was widowed.

As OP's mum put her into the care system and she doesn't have a relationship with her, I doubt she would care about him not helping her mum.

how did she steal him?

if you think going shopping on christmas eve with the flu is a "nice tradition" you need to get out more. traditions are only "nice" if everyone involved wants to do them. otherwise they are unpleasant obligations.

If the MIL was instead a FIL who decided that he wanted to start a 'nice tradition' of going down the pub for 4 hours on christmas eve with his DS, and the son was saying he felt ill and didn't want to drink and his wife wanted him to stay at home with their small children instead I'm sure there would be far different answers!

you can "imagine" all you want but it makes the act of responding to the OP pointless if you are going to ignore what she's actually said and decide actually everyone involved is doing the exact opposite. Again, join a creative writing class if you want to make up scenarios.

Why would an adult man be so scared of his wife that he would say the opposite of what he means? Apart from anything else it is far more likely that someone recovering from flu would, indeed, not want to spend several hours wandering around the supermarket squeezing potatoes for food he is not going to even eat, on the busiest shopping day of the year, because who in their right mind would?

If the MIL wanted to start a 'nice tradition' with her family perhaps she could try actually spending time with her grandchildren on Christmas day, instead of not bothering to see them because they are too noisy?

Don’t you just hate when you marry someone and they come with a family?

Your husbands family is you, your child and his mother. AND HIS MOTHER. Just because you don’t see her as such it doesn’t mean she isn’t your husbands mother and your kids grandmother. She has her family - her son, grandson and you. I think maybe you need to get your head around that. She wants to spend time with her son too.

My goodness let him spend some time with and help his mum. You'll be with him all day Christmas plus Christmas eve afternoon/evening.

Oh well she is being shipped off to Australia next Christmas so problem solved