Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

Bah humbug!! If you can’t help your own mother out who can you help ?

Good point

OP we need a picture of your dh, with todays newspaper and signed note confirming he agrees with your version of events please 😂

If your dh knows this is coming every year and he doesn’t want to do it. He needs to tell his mum you have plants but can do x day instead.
I would be annoyed in your shoes op, but this is on your dh to resolve and he needs to grow a pair

You don’t know why I’d doubt it? Because all stories have at least two sides, this one has three.

This is all about her controlling you both and wanting to be top dog. If it was a genuine need for help she’d have taken you up on your numerous other offers. YANBU.

What generation? I’m old enough to have grandkids (although I haven’t. My kids are 17 & 19) and my generation (X) certainly don’t all see part of the Christmas experience as shopping for fresh food on Christmas eve. My DM is 77 and it’s not even part of her generation. She had her online shop delivered last Thursday. She no longer drives and know I wouldn’t have time to walk with her while she browses the fruit and veg aisle.

I agree with OP. Her MIL is selfish keeping her son away from his kids on Christmas Eve. The fact he says he feels he ought to sounds like he’s doing it because he feels guilty.

Nothing stops me being with my kids. They’ve always been my priority and no one comes before them.

She should LTB. Making lunch for his mum. What a scumbag.

Personally I don't see a problem with this . As annoying as it might be for you , going a few hours with his mum to get fresh food is something they will do anyway it seems, regardless of what you think. Perhaps when he's back you , him and the kids could do something together as a family for Christmas eve?

Absolute wrong’un.

I agree it seems ridiculous. BUT, it's not up to you to say he's not allowed to do it. You want him to spend Christmas Eve with his children. But he is someone's child too! There are plenty of hours in the day for everyone.

Are you a qualified trauma therapist, or are you just making horrendously rude and patronising assumptions about the ability of looked-after children (and the adults they become) to understand and empathise with family bonds.

I get that this is intensely irritating but seriously, what makes you think you can tell him 'categorically no' to this? What the hell? It's him who has to take her shopping, not you It's his mother. If he's prepared to help her out even if it's a bit inconvenient then let him get on with it. He doesn't need your permission. If he's that bothered by it then he's capable of telling her no himself.

I'm glad you have sorted it. The longer you let this go on the more entrained it becomes . She's only 66 can I ask how she normally does her food shop ?

If she wants to go in the morning, maybe you could suggest an early start (to avoid the queues). Surely even if it takes hours he will be back by lunchtime, giving you the rest of the day together.

YANBU. The trouble is, I think from what you've described she'd take as much pleasure knowing she is causing disharmony in your home about this as she would from getting her way on Christmas eve. I think you have to leave it in your husband's hands now you've made your feelings clear.
The fact she insisted on this when you had a 6 day old baby at home speaks volumes.

Amazed when I read her age! I thought we must be talking about someone early 80s. I am only a year younger and while I admit I don't do online as I too prefer to pick my own stuff there is no way I would be leaving any of my shopping until Christmas Eve, far too much hassle! There is nothing that is not going to keep for a few days minimum if not a week. I have only a few bits like cream to get tomorrow and that's me done with the shops until New Year hopefully, freezers were a great invention!

That said he's going to have to speed her up, going with her is one thing but putting it all away and cooking her lunch is silly time wasting stuff. Get her to the supermarket for opening time 24th and back home like a bullet!

While I totally get that he can't forget about his mother etc etc she is getting his company Boxing day so not as if totally ignored.

I completely agree with this.

My mum died in 2020 and I would give anything to be able to go Christmas Eve food shopping with her.

OP, your DH one day regret not going with his mum when the time comes that she is no longer here. I know she is 66 but my darling mum wasn’t much older than this when we lost her. I do mean this in the kindest way but you have never had a relationship with your own biological mum so have no experience of the pull of the bond between an adult child and their mum.

I wish you a wonderful Christmas with your family, it is good to here that you are making your own family and that your children have a loving and caring mum.

This is a really difficult and important revelation for him and you. It should be examined, and not shoved away.

For him, he may be playing out childhood issues in an unhealthy way. He needs to look at FOG and boundaries and both his relationship with her and you.

For you, you end to examine how you maintain relationships after what sounds like a traumatic childhood. It may be that your views of family, relationships, children and all that goes with it is warped. It is very difficult to rewrite that. Trauma isn't curable. But it is treatable. You have to be willing to have hard work in your future.

All the best OP.

Because she wants to go with her son. He was her son before he was your husband.

Honestly I’m baffled at the hard time OP is getting 🤣

Me too - I don't think I've ever been so confused by the replies OP is getting - it's like they're reading a different thread (or haven't bothered to properly read the OP's posts).

Also 90% of posters seem to be siding with the OP yet the vote isn't showing that - are people just not voting?

To me it's blindingly obvious the MIL is controlling and extremely selfish. Also very rude to decline Christmas Day with her ds and his dc's because they are "too noisy". Who the hell even makes a comment like that?
I think I'd go NC with my dm or MIL if they were so rude and difficult.

It seems the OP and her dh can't win with this woman - it's her way or the highway, despite how difficult that makes things for everyone else.

To insist her son - who is feeling ill - take her out for hours on Christmas Eve when it's completely unnecessary is just mind boggling to me. I can't believe everyone doesn't agree - some people have very strange ideas or must be extremely selfish themselves.

Or are disgruntled MIL's who just want to stick the boot in bc it's a DIL posting!

Then why isn't MIL compromising and doing something that isn't 100% what she wants?

She could do the big shop on Monday and have it all fresh. She could have listened to what they said, thought about it and suggested that herself.

Instead she's ploughed on with how she's always done it.

There's a word for that - selfish.

Are you generally a controlling wife?
Why shouldn't he spend time with his mother on Christmas Eve?
You sound entitled and a bit spiteful tbh.
One day you may be in the exact situation MIL is now. Hope you get a kinder DIL. Karma has a habit of coming back to bite you eventually.

I voted YANBU purely because you're ill. What time does the supermarket open? Arrange to go at that time, the shops should be emptier and as such the shopping should be quicker.

O

Because she wants to go with her son. He was her son before he was your husband

What does that mean? He has his own children and family now! That doesn't mean he doesn't bother with his Mother, but surely any sane woman would realise he wants to spend time with his own family on Christmas Eve. I would feel so so guilty to drag a son away just for the sake of it.

He does a lot for her through the year visits a lot takes her out and does her garden for her and any diy

This - she'll be absolutely loving knowing this is driving a wedge between you and your dh.

I'd honestly just step back and let him suffer the situations he puts himself in from now on. Don't let him blame you because he's not prepared to tell him mother "no" OP.

I think hes deflecting his annoyance with himself at his refusal to stand up to his dm on you by saying you're as bad as she is. So from now on just smile and nod and say "ok dear" and don't take any part in it.