Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

I totally understand why you’d be pissed off at this. Your dh doesn’t want to go. I assume that she manages to shop quite well for the rest of the year.
You’ve offered her alternative dates/ options and she’s said no. Surely she could just get a taxi there and back (as I think you’ve already mentioned).
Hope you’re all feeling better soon x

I was thinking you were mean, then you said she was 66, which is infact, positively youthful so I was inclining more towards your point of view. I think your partner should spend time with his mum but the shopping thing seems a real nuisance. Can't he just take her out for lunch?

I didn’t guess - I offered a suggestion. I could offer another like maybe inviting out for coffee - but there’s probably a reason that this wouldn’t be suitable either. If they wanted to make it work they would but sounds like they both resent each other. Feeling a bit sorry for the poor husband/son - if neither of them will be in the same room he’s going to have to let one of them some of time!

No I think YABVU. I do the same with my mum. It’s Christmas Eve, it’s a normal working day for most.

Not sure why you’re baffled. The shopping is a pretext to spend alone time with her son on Christmas Eve morning.

Of course not every different opinion is 'weaponising people's experiences against them'. But in that example it was. OP didn't have a bond with her mum but saying that was the only reason why she didn't want her DH to go shopping with his mum was using that experience against her. She doesn't want her DH to go shopping with his mum because he wants to spend time with his children instead.

Would the boisterous children that you wouldn't want to spend time with include your grandchildren?

Agree.

YABU.

You don’t sound a very giving person. He should be able to spend time with his mum when he wants to, unconditionally and without being put in a position where he has to choose between one or the other of you. It’s obviously a really important experience for her, a part of her Christmas tradition. Be kind, and let them get on with it. Life’s too short for these kind of upsets. 🎄

Oh my. So you're just as selfish as OP's Mil thinking your son should cater to your specific requirements. Wouldn't want to be your dil. Did you miss the part where OP offered her to do the online shopping for her? Or that DH could take her another day ? And that they are all ill? No, the son is required to take his 66-year old mum shopping the exact day she wants to. She sounds like a bloody nightmare and if you think she's reasonable so do you.

Goodness , the way you’ve described her and her behaviour I thought she was elderly!
only 66 !! So not a lot older than me
She sounds extremely inflexible

Supermarkets open early on Christmas Eve, they can go early and you will have the rest of the day to do something as a family. However it is his decision to make. If he really doesn't want to go, it is up to him to put his foot down and say no. By doing it for him, you become the bad guy. What happens when there is something else that he doesn't want to do? He can't hide behind you forever, and you can't fight his battles for him. He needs to manage his relationship with his mother.

He shouldn't go near her or she will catch the horrible flu.

Just say no this year and tell her she can go herself or with someone else and he will see her once he's no longer infectious. If she won't do that get a list over the phone and just order it for her to be delivered. Or a few bits and DH will take her out after Christmas for more shopping.

surely she is his family too? I dont get your attitude about only wanting to spend time with 'the family'. let him spend time with his mum..it sounds like he wants to?
do you usually boss over your husband?
oh dear OP

But that's not the MiL's attitude is it so I wouldn't stress too much in your shoes, she's being too rigid about what she wants.

He DOESN'T WANT TO go shopping with his mum. She guilts him into it. She doesn't even want to see her GC because they give her a headache. I'm so grateful for my Mil when I read stuff like this...not all Mils are selfish, manipulative and controlling thank god.

Our Tesco opens at 5am! 66 year old me is going tomorrow at 7am, however. Unaided by the son I do not have. I'll be taking the dog for a walk after that, then going to the gym in the afternoon.

I read so many threads on here of wifes and partners sounding like control freaks.
But yet men are the blame somehow.
Op you are being controlling what if he said no to you helping your mother.

I was thinking that you were mean, until it became clear that she has some antipathy towards you and your children and the only part of your family unit she is interested in is DH.

The Christmas eve shopping is not so bad, but I think DH disappearing on boxing day is a bit much. Next year insist that DH stays home for boxing day and that she is invited. If she chooses not to come because she doesn't want to be around your kids, she can fuck off.

Have just read through this thread. At first I thought you were talking about an infirm woman, possibly in her 80’s, who needed the physical support of her boy to carry the shopping basket for what might well be her last Christmas.
When I read she was only 66 I dropped my iPad! IMO this is a control issue and you are absolutely right to stop it now.

You and your husband have young children and should all be together whilst you can - soon enough they will have their own plans. It is not as if she will be alone over the Christmas period.
She clearly likes dragging her son round her regular shops to show off to those they meet. As for him having to put the purchases away then make her lunch ….

We only have OP’s word that he doesn’t want to go. This is half the story.

The spirit of Christmas, eh. It’s all about family. Except for the mother in law who wants a few hours with her son. 😵‍💫

Nah this would bother me too OP. A house full of sick children/sick parents and trying to get organised for Christmas is HARD. And MIL knows this as a mother of 3 herself. I wouldn't be trying to take away your help to get my own food sorted - i would be offering to help with the sick children and see if you needed any help to get sorted. Christmas eve is a busy day with a house full of children and she knows this. She should have took up the offer of help before Christmas eve

He’s made her lunch as well?!

Jesus, that is just TOO FAR.

Yabu.

Why can't he take her on 23rd. I go every year on 24rd bright and early to do mine. Tell her that christmas eve is family day so if she wants to go then she needs to organise other transportation however if she wants to go on 23rd he may be able to take her. Personally NEVER order christmas food delivery and certainly not to arrive christmas eve. Sonny times when I worked in a supermarket, things would be unavailable and substituted for something totally different. You can't go buy something else if it comes too late.

We have to go on OP's story. According to her he has said he doesn't want to but feels obliged. I don't know why you would doubt that. Do you know many men who enjoy going shopping with their mums on christmas day?:)