Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

Same here with my adult DDs.

Because the shops will be insane tomorrow and, from my experience, virtually deserted on Christmas Eve.

Not in my house there isn’t. We don’t treat each other like that.

Is that why he threatened to take the kids to the park and ignore the wife and MIL?
If he agreed with his wife he would just stay home right?

I think he wants to do this for his mum because he believes its the right thing to do, he might not enjoy it, but he knows it means something to his mum. His wife is making it into a larger problem based on him not enjoying it and it being inconvenient for her.
She just needs to stay out of it and let him work it out with his mum.

OP just try to be happy and proud that your husband is a decent person and cares for his mother. Yes, it's inconvenient sometimes, but it's those same traits that make him a good partner to you and a good father to your children.

You're missing the point op. For mil I doubt its about the food. It's the ritual of doing a nice activity with her son.

You sound very controlling

She's his family too.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable here. Why not have some activity for you and the DC to do whilst he is out. Or why can't he take 1 DC with him and have shopping with Nanna?

We don’t either. No way would I “put my foot down” with my bloke when I wouldn’t tolerate it from him.

What a lot of bloody fuss over nothing. Honestly, man takes some time to take his mother shopping with a bit of a cold on Christmas eve, isn't the tearing the family apart story that you think you're selling, op.

Maybe she had a bad experience? I get a mix of online and then by the fresh in person. If it was me (my mum unfortunately died) I would let him if he feels well enough.

I dread my teenage DS ending up married to someone like you.
You're basically my worst fear of what a potential daughter in law could be like.

Now I am 66 and take my mother shopping. That's not the point though.
The point is your DH's mum wants some time with him around Christmas, she doen't want to come to yours and I suspect she feels unwelcome so has made an excuse. The fact that you had a hard time at 16 is irrelevant and not her fault. You obviously don't like her and are being a bit unreasonable about Christmas eve.
How many families spend Christmas Eve all together? Most would have at least one parent at work. DH was always at work so I used to plan something like the cinema with the DC to keep them occupied.

I don't see much to choose between them.

The hypothetical MiL has plans already for Christmas day with her daughter - I wouldn't expect her to abandon those plans either. The OP herself says the children are a handful - we don't know what options the MiL has for transport when she has had enough. The MiL has equally invited them to hers and the OP declines to go due to her cats.

The whole shopping thing is irrelevant - its about time together rather than the activity. Presumalby on Boxing day the visit is to see his sister as much as DM. It still leaves the substantial majority of DH time over the whole Christmas period with the OP and DC (especially as he apparently isn't working on the 23rd either).

And still I long to know what is the all day Christmas eve only activity requested by a three year old.

Or in a previous year when OP was home with a six day old baby and the MIL still demanded he take her!

Mines the opposite so that's not really an answer, not to mention the DH has offered that day so he can spend Christmas Eve with his children despite being ill.

See, this is an issue, I don't know why you're getting such dickhead responses from some, and emotional guilt trips.
You said you can't this year but still offered to help, and she said "no?"
Flat out not giving a shit and shouting you down there, I know how that feels.

YABU. She is lonely and probably knows she has to give DH a job to ensure he sounds time with her. He eill be home fir egat 2pm? You can still relax together as a family plus you and kids have a leisurely morning which if you have all been so unwell I'm sure you will appreciate.
Also beware the example you are showing your kids- perhaps when you are elderly and asking for their help you might regret "putting your foot down"

She's 66 years old, FFS.

He’s got an entire day with his kids either way, what does it matter whether it’s the 23rd or 24th?

The bit I find completely unreasonable is not accepting the 23rd and having a little flex. Christmas Eve isn’t necessary and that’s creating the issue, not the food shop and help per se.

My MIL was very similar and particularly after FIL passed. She became all about her DSs and partners were very isolated. This became particularly evident with my DH and she has very exacting ideas and dates, times things had to happen etc and there was no compromise. However, my DH wouldn’t accept it and tried many many times to reason with her and explain but it didn’t work. Sadly they no longer have a relationship because she pushed too hard in the end and their relationship became unsalveagable.
Her other son very much ‘goes along’ with it like your DH but he’s finding that increasingly tough.

Neither do we. But in some relationships there are sticking points. It's not unreasonable to make it clear that we need or expect certain conditions to be met within our relationships - some people need to be told, no, I need you to be here and I would really like you to think carefully about the choice you make here. Then it's in the other party's court to choose what's most important to them.

‘Blessed are the peacemakers….’

Only saying this from personal experience but I hold Christmas Eve as the best day due to the anticipation of it all so it would matter hugely to me in that case for being with excited children.

She is your family. Perhaps you could take her instead this year.

😁 God, can you imagine?