Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

I’m as capable of online shopping as anyone else but I hate it. It doesn’t compare to going into a shop and seeing what you’re buying.

It absolutely is.

That’s what she’s seeking, this particular specific time alone with her son.
Nothing to do with the pretext of needing “help with shopping”.

I suspect the issue is more that the MiL in question sees this shopping trip as a social activity to be enjoyed with her son as she used to do with her DH.

And how is this relevant to the MiL wanting to spend a few hours with her son on Christmas eve morning leaving the rest of Christmas eve and Christmas day free to be "my little family"? MiL spends christmas day with her daughter leaving my little family free to make exclusive memories.

Most parents are at work on Christmas eve, not following all day plans made by three year olds.

Put your foot down? He’s a grown man.

I find this thread somewhat baffling, I wonder if people are reading the same posts as I am from the OP.

MIL is ONLY 66, seemingly able bodied? It's baffling that she can't just grab a cab down to the shops to sort her grocery shopping.

She's been offered a number of alternatives, and I thoroughly understand wanting to do the shop in person as we prefer to buy the fresh stuff in person too, but we did it yesterday morning.

Using up several hours of someones Christmas Eve, taking them away from their young children is not a fun bonding activity, it's pretty selfish really.

If she wanted some actual quality time with her son without the loudness of the grandchildren she could ask if the son could come over for a Christmas Eve breakfast or a supper on the 23rd (minimal impact to OP's husband's family time whilst getting to spend actual quality time with her son).

Schlepping round a supermarket in the middle of the day Christmas Eve is madness!

If it was just about “time with her son” she wouldn’t have declined the invite to see all of them and have her shopping ordered and delivered to her door! If it’s just about spending time together she’d be happy to see the grandkids too, no? Unless it’s actually all about getting him on his own and controlling the situation which is just weird.

It’s his mum and I think it’s fine for him to take her shopping. I would be asking him to pick up last minute things for us too as I always forget something or want certain things very fresh like bread/pastries

You sound abusive.

And I see a manipulative MIL who doesn't want to spend any time with her grandchildren as they are too boisterous, who refuses to go shopping on any other day apart from Christmas Eve and demands to arrive at the supermarket at exactly 10.00 am. She won't go any earlier to allow her son more time with his children on Christmas Eve. She also demanded that her son took her shopping on the Christmas Eve when OP had a 6 day old baby.

OP's language about 'not letting him' go shopping has put lots of people's backs up. But OP had a difficult childhood where she was taken into care and spent her first Christmas as a care leaver on her on in a bedsit on Christmas Day. One poster even said 'you never knew your mum so clearly don't give a shit about adult children mother bonds', weaponising OP's adverse children experiences against her.

My god, she is only 66!!! Why cant she get the bus or take a taxi!!! I thought she was in her late 80's the way you were talking about her.

My sister is 67 - she will be working from 8am to 6pm on Christmas Eve!!!

No she does not. Don't be so utterly ridiculous.

@biscuitsandbooks@Bookitonlinenextyear this message is actually for the OP, but the website is glitching. @Bookitonlinenextyear you have a very painful backstory and your MIL sounds like mine. Can I suggest reading Philippa Perrys latest book? The problem is less now, but if you continue to conflict with your MIL (I appreciate completely that she creates the conflict and animosity on her side too),WHEN she dies, it'll wreck your marriage. Even if DH doesn't much like his mum, she is still his mum and if he finds himself having to choose between you all the time, when she's gone, he will blame you.
Both of you are bringing your own histories and issues to the table and it sounds painful all around. Somehow, you need to find a way around it. It's really not just Xmas eve, it's bigger than that..good luck x

Definitely controlling but I wouldn't go as far as abusive.

Being controlling is abusive.

Why is it weird to want to spend one to one time with someone you love? I really enjoy the time I spend with my son, it’s completely different when other people are involved.

The MIL seems to want to shape the entire Christmas period for her son and his family. Refuses to go to them on Christmas day and demands her son's solo presence on Chrismas Eve and Boxing Day instead. Even when she is asked to make other arrangements for Christmas Eve, she refuses to take no for an answer.

I'm not sure how anyone can think this is anything other than a power play.

Would it be ok for a man to ‘put his foot down’ with his wife. It’s totally fucked up, disgusting controlling behaviour.

But would you continue to demand that time when (a) you'd been asked by your son to make other arrangements for your shopping, or to allow him to take you the previous day and (b) he was ill?

So why not go on the 23rd as was suggested?

I wouldn't even say controlling. Given all the back story.

OP should have been able to rely on her DH when she was struggling after having a baby. Instead MIL demanded that she was looked after, and DH capitulated.

It's okay for her to say that this year she's going to put her foot down. Her DH clearly doesn't respond to anything but that sort of ultimatum and has a hard time making his own stand. He apparently needs the women in his life to put their feet down, otherwise he just goes with the path of least resistance.

Being controlling is abusive.

So you must agree the MIL is abusive for demanding her son takes her shopping on a specific day and at a specific time, then?

Quite eye opening when you turn it around isn't it 😂😂

And when he is ill

It depends on the situation and yes, there are also circumstances in which a man can put his foot down with his wife.