Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

Personally I would also decline to spend Christmas where I clearly am not wanted.
OP said herself that her kids are a handful so maybe the MIL is just being honest.

She doesn't see him Christmas Day because she turns down their invitations as she finds his DC, her GC, TOO NOISY FFS

Could it be because she knows the OP doesn’t like her?!

You are being controlling and miserable.
You have Christmas Day to ‘be a family’.
If I was your DH I’d be telling you I was doing it whatever you thought!

Keep reaching till you fall over........🙄

Food shopping on Christmas Eve does not take hours. I shopped for four of us today, the shop was crazy busy but we were still home in just over 90mins. It will be a lot quieter on Christmas Eve.Why is it something to dread? It seems to be supermarket shopping? and it's full of people she meets and talks to? A bit unlikely.

And personally, I wouldn't be in much of a rush to spend time with my MIL if they couldn't tolerate a few noisy hours with their small grandchildren at Christmas.

A good Christmas present for her would be driving lessons.

Would you treat your son this way?

When he has, well in advance of the date, said that he is not available to do this on Xmas eve?

And now is actually ill, anyway?

And when you didn't actually need to cook Christmas dinner because he'd invited you to his home for that day?

I think the OP is unreasonable - Christmas Eve is a normal working day, but 66 is not old enough to mean that she's necessarily going to need to do things in an old fashioned way.

Did you miss the part where OP doesn't want to be stuck alone with her own kids xmas eve for 4 hours max because they are a handful?

@Bookitonlinenextyear Hi OP. I’ve only read your messages, so I’m sorry if this is a repeat of other people’s suggestions. How about DH saying to his mum “mum I’d love to help/spend the time with you but I’m not prepared to be away from the kids that long on Christmas Eve anymore. If you’d like me to take you shopping then let’s go tomorrow (23rd)”.

does that work as an option for your family?

She also sees her son on Boxing Day for several hours while OP is home with the children - she can't have everything.

If she wants to see her adult son for long periods at Christmas, maybe she needs to accept that that also means seeing her grandchildren and DIL, even if she'd rather not.

Jesus's christ, would you treat your own mother that way.

I wouldn't make my son do something every year when he'd had made it clear in advance that he couldn't do it.

Could that be because the MIL got drunk at their wedding and accused the OP of taking her beloved son away from her, and has continued to behave badly towards her ever since?

You sound selfish

@thepariscrimefiles I couldn’t agree with you more!! I doubt the OP has had very many fond memories of Christmas growing up and I think very few people who have criticised her on this thread have been in her shoes. She has every right to be protective of her family time and to feel aggrieved AND to perhaps not have had much experience of dealing with the compromises that arise in families during Christmas BECAUSE SHE HAS GROWN UP IN CARE!!!! Let’s cut her some slack maybe?

He sounds like a lovely son

@Bookitonlinenextyear sorry but why does mil get to dictate to son and daughter in law??? is there a son in law around or is she just assuming her son can take his place as the general dogsbody? surely even son can see that he has to put his own wife's wishes first for a change? why cant she get a taxi? many people do! team @Bookitonlinenextyear

How supportive were you when she was bereaved?

But then surely you say next year it’s 23rd or nothing. If you’re all unwelll I’d put my foot down about this year too abd book a taxi

I’d leave him to make the decision and own it, but I categorically would not be doing any jobs to prepare for Christmas Day in his absence. Settle down with the kids and watch a film or take them out to do something that you’ll all enjoy without him.

Any jobs can be shared later on in the day.

She seems to make it quite clear though that she just wants it to be her DH and DC! And maybe mil just wants to see her DS by herself and isn’t welcoming to DIL- maybe the husband got it right when it said they both act it the same manner - sounds so stressful to be stuck in the middle !

Again, you obviously missed the part where the OP admitted they are a bit much.
Also i would think she might not find the DIL very welcoming given the circumstances.

So here is the situation:
DH doesn't want to go shopping on Christmas Eve with his mum. He wants to spend time with his DC.
DH and you have told MIL multiple times that he will not be available on Christmas Eve this year
DH and you have offered to add her shopping to your delivery

And now you are all ill 🤒

Your DH just needs to stand firm and say no. You don't need to get involved at all. Your DH needs to stop feeling guilty