Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

Again, if it's about spending time with her son, why is she insisting on going shopping at a certain time on a certain day? What's so special about buying sprouts on Christmas Eve?

I think people are imagining a little old woman in her 80s when they are giving the OP grief 🤣 unless she has ill health then I say it’s SIL turn OP! She is also very rude not accepting your offer to see the children because they are too loud. WTF.

Ah it's one of those "our little family" ones - we're alright Jacques

Maybe she wants to spend some time with her son and this is her tradition? You want to spend all of Xmas Eve with your family and you don't include her, perhaps she doesn't want to spend a couple of hours of that alone and instead wants some time with her son who perhaps wants time with his mum

But they’ve invited her!! She doesn’t want to attend because it’s too “noisy”

Yet she’ll happily drag her unwell son round a heaving supermarket. Nice.

If that is the case it is equally true for the OP or anyone else. If its "sooper special Xmas eve" for one member of the family then it is equally so for the others.

I'm still interested to hear what is the very special all day activity which can only happen on Christmas eve requested by a three year old.

I was in the care system from birth to 18 and I think OP is BVU. I had no parental figures in my life after 10 yrs old, it hasn’t made be bitter about other people’s family relationships. Being care experienced is no excuse, the OP just dislikes MIL, and I guess the feeling is mutual.

God just let him take her what are you going to be doing the morning of Christmas Eve ??? If he’s unwell he can take a book and sit in the cafe while she squeezes parsnips to her hearts content. If my mum wanted me to do this I would walk through fire to make it happen for her . Even though personally I would be thinking she’s possibly been at the sherry

They’ve invited her round and said they’d get all her shopping online and drop her home with it! She said no. She’d rather take the son off for a pointless shopping trip. And doesn’t give a dhit about seeing her grandkids. And she’s only 66. Honestly I’m baffled at the hard time OP is getting 🤣

My goodness OP. Just put down the gauntlet and let the man choose whether or not to take his mother shopping without making him feel like he has to cut himself in half.

Id agree with him from the little you’ve posted, both you & your MiL sound similar and both determined to have things exactly as you want them. She won’t compromise on days, and equally neither will you instead building Christmas Eve up to be some day that your children simply must have their father present even though most children don’t.

Just give the man the space go decide what he wants to do on Christmas Eve.

Hmmmm

In general, I agree, but not when there are young children involved. I do think they take priority over Christmas - especially over someone who just wants to go and feel up the sprouts before she buys them!

I feel offended that someone has said 66 is old🙀!

Im 67 but don’t drive.
If my dd didn’t drive I’d do an online shop which I’ve often done in the past and put it all away myself

If he does end up taking her then I’d say they have have to go really early, 7am for example to beat the crowds. Then she has to put it away by herself, if she isn’t disabled in any way, as you’ve got something planned with the family.

Or you could do as a previous poster suggested and make them take the kids.
In fact this could be a new family tradition that dd and dg get to take the kids shopping with them.

They can all stop somewhere for a festive hot chocolate afterwards and then the kids can have some fun helping to put away grannie’s goods.

well she doesn’t see him Christmas Day so it’s probably just the closest thing? I have small kids so I get that it would be frustrating if you’re unwell but I always try include my in-laws by inviting them for Xmas day if they aren’t with their other kids. Also if the relationship between husband and wife is that he is told what he is and isn’t allowed do maybe she needs to make up a valid reason? Personally if my husband told me I wasn’t “let” see my parents I’d take it as a pretty big red flag.

He doesn’t want to. He feels he has no choice he dreads it. For the last 3 years it’s been the same situation and it takes hours.

Well it's not up to you to say no, but I'd be supporting him to. I think his mother is being extremely unreasonable.

He hates doing it. As any sane person would.

Why does she get to create a "tradition" of 3 years duration when it's something that I'm absolutely certain she knows he hates.

Are YOU in the habit of making YOUR children do something they loathe because YOU like doing it?

Mental behaviour.
Not everything is a battle you know.
Jesus's christ, would you treat your own mother that way.

@C8H10N4O2 yes I'm interested in the all day plans of a three year old, almost doesn't seem real

I get it is annoying and personally I can't think of anything worse than an supermarket on Christmas Eve. There is plenty of time to pick up non perishables in the weeks before. However if this is her wish, part of her Christmas Eve tradition is it too much to ask? Your DH could limit it to just a few hours and say that I have to be back by X time. I assume you are not with her Christmas Day as a family.

It's MIL's choice not to see him on Christmas Day, though. OP invites her over and she declines...

DH is well enough to go to the park with the DC so presumably not having to scramble from his sick bed and at risk of collapsing under the weight of a turkey.

The supermarket is a red herring - its just time with someone. I know plenty of men and women who would cheerfully trade a visit by their OH to their inLaws on Christmas Eve morning for Christmas Eve afternoon, evening and Christmas day free to themselves.

Presumably if the MiL had asked him around for the morning to have coffee and cake that would be ok but we would have missed a couple of hundred posts bickering about online shopping and selfish old women.

Another who hasnt read it properly.

The OP's husband neither wanted nor intended to do this every year. They already told his MIL they couldnt do it this year and that theyve got plans but she's completely ignored their feelings on the subject and is in effect forcing her son to do it. Plus theyve got colds and flu. Plus the op's husband regularly sees his mother. She's not some housebound eldery, fragile woman in her 80s or 90s. She's 66 and fully compus mentus.

As an aside, why is everyone “D” - DH, DS, DD, even DDog, but poor old MIL is just MIL?

Isn't it enough to have Christmas Day together? Surely, her little christmas shop is part of your christmas ritual by now. It seems to be part of your DH's. He is being a good son. Be grateful that you're in a relationship with one of the good guys - if MN is anything to go by, they are a rarity.

She sounds a total nightmare.

It is reasonable to want to spend time with her son, but that needs to be by joint agreement. And she had plenty of warning that the 24th was no a goer this year,

It sounds as if everything has to be on her terms. Won’t come to your house, won’t spend Xmas with you, time with son has to be exactly on her timetable.

I am older than your MIL. My Ds is loving, helpful, happy to spend time with me, and vice versa, and I embrace his partner, his friends, work around his busy work and social timetable. If I carried on like your MIL he’d lower his chin, furrow his brow and say “I don’t think so, Mum! “