Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

Wow! You are being rather mean spirited. Do something with the children in the afternoon. Let your MIL have her morning. I have to care for my elderly mum
and my family and life is a juggle but if it makes people feel loved and cherished it really is worth it. Would you enjoy your trip out know your MIL was at home feeling rejected for something she does every year? It would ruin the Christmas vibe for everyone

So what's your answer for it has to be Xmas eve and no other day will do ? what's your answer for she won't go to the dils house even though she's invited and what's your answer to the kids give her a headache. Her son is a married man with kids now , his mum is not his priority, yes he needs to help her but what you explained in your post is nonsense . If you're lonely you want to see the whole family not just your son. Only weird ppl get obsessed with their grown up kids and reject the dil and grandchildren.

OP, why does your DH have to unpack the shopping and make her lunch afterwards? Can't she do either of these herself?

66 is very young. Thought she was 86!!
If I was DH, I’d forcefully suggest I’m able to do xx times only as I have to take the kids to lunch/panto or whatever you have arranged at 1pm. Or get her round the shop and then you all go for lunch?

How’s that work? Two Christmas dinners? You’re having a laugh.

She wants to spend time with her son - it’s not about the shopping. That’s my guess! I wonder if you all offered to drop over for coffee would that work and then you’d be with your DH and DC too?

I am nearly the same age as mil, and I work every Christmas Eve. So I agree she's not a little old lady.
I have been using a computer in work and at home since I was 25.
I do get a bit confused around Christmas as to what day it is, because radio and tv people tell me everyone is on holiday and should have a lovely time.
I like to have occasional meetings with my son, and his wife who is lovely.

Christmas is a time that people who live alone can feel lonely. MIL no doubt feels the loss of her husband and having a DIL on the other side of the world more keenly at this time of year than any other. Having a plan to see one of her children on Xmas Eve, Xmas day and Boxing Day probably means a lot to her. But as you say she could come and see your kids on Xmas Eve. She wants her contact with her kids to be on her terms only.

Your feelings seem to have come to a head this year as you are all unwell and haven't had a nice time in the run up to Xmas. And I imagine knowing your kids' only grandparent finds them noisy and doesn't dote on them doesn't make you feel very charitable towards her requests at any time of the year much less so at Christmas.

How does she get her groceries the rest of the year? If your husband is too unwell he should tell her that and not feel bad. If he is well enough he can do just the shops but let her put it away herself so he doesn't risk giving his illness to her.

Then next year he can start saying he won't be available when Christmas plans are being made in Oct / nov. Or maybe he will work out with you a plan that leaves everyone reasonably happy. Family life is never perfect!

Ok the language you’ve used is a bit off - he is a grown man and it’s up to him.

But if my DH chose to spend every Xmas eve with his mother because of her disorganisation, I’d be very unimpressed. Can’t he take her on Monday??

I think this is the key issue. You’re both basically squabbling over the man. And you seem to be almost weaponising the children.

Perhaps you have a heightened need for family time because of your background. That’s understandable tbh.

What isn’t is blowing one (annoying) shopping trip out of all proportion and suggesting buying the woman a ticket to Australia. You are willing to spend that much money to be rid of her at Christmas and you don’t even have her on Christmas Day.

She didn’t want to let go of her son but you seem to also struggle, using language like “put my foot down” and referring to her getting her own way.

The woman was widowed three years ago and she wants a bit of company at Christmas.

It might be healthier if you deal with what happened to you as a child, than try to deal with it this way.

You’re being ridiculous. You can’t ’put your foot down’, he’s a grown man. He takes his DM shopping in the morning then you’ve got the rest of the day together. I can’t see the problem.

Time to put in some boundaries OP. You have kindly offered MIL to bring her groceries but she declined. DH is now a father so DC needs to be his first priority, not his mum's desire to shop a particular day. My Mil is over 80, she loves to food shop but goes by herself, pick everything out and gets it delivered to her door. Your Mil is acting like a spoilt child so please stop indulging her, it will only get worse.

Just for a bit of perspective OP - I will be spending 10-2pm of Christmas DAY visiting my step mum who is in intensive care. What I wouldn't give for your 'issue' to be mine.

All this theatrics over your husband having to spend the morning of Christmas Eve with his mum.
She is his family, even if you don't consider her yours.

She probably enjoys the experience (lord knows why, I've been today and that was bad enough!) of chatting to people, having a look, and sharing it with her son - why do you want to deny her that?

She won't be around forever. None of us will. You can still have time with your husband and children after the shopping

What age are DC?

No! Honestly you sound ridiculous telling a grown man what to do! They are parent child dynamics you are meant to be partners!

She isn't elderly at 66. But she is a tyrant.

I think you’re being completely selfish in this instance. A few hours during the day on Xmas eve isn’t a huge deal, your children/you will have your DH for the rest of the day/evening to do something. I have no contact with my own DM after being in the care system as a child, not sure if this is a reason you may have a bit of jealousy or something that his DM is looking for some help from her son, I would never ‘put my foot down’ and tell someone they can’t help their Mum out for my own reasons. His Mum won’t be around forever and when that time does come I’m sure he would regret not helping out for a few hours.

From your latest update, he’s being a dick. He needs to prioritise his kids.

In my mid-sixties, I'm internet savvy. I mainly walk to the shops and put my stuff in a backpack. Sometimes I'll get the bus or I'll drive. If/when I become a widow, I'll reckon it'll be a priority for me to strengthen existing friendships and develop new ones so that I can do enjoyable stuff over the break. I shall also hope to see family over the Xmas period but know how demanding life is with very small children - so would only expects to visit/be visited at time/s that worked for harassed parents. (If my sole 'treat' was wandering round packed supermarkets looking at carrots and satsumas with an adult who'd far rather be elsewhere, at the busiest time of year, I'd seriously question my sanity.)

I think she's being deliberately difficult. I understand she probably just wants to see her son, but there's other ways of going about it. It's her way or nothing and that isn't fair on the rest of you.
Ultimately, I don't think DH can win.

She’s only 66!! 🤣🤣 She sounds selfish and awkward OP. Say to your DH you feel he should say no and spend time with you and the kids this year. It’s SIL turn. Extend your offer to the MIL one more time to pop in and see you and the kids. And leave it at that.

Oh my days, she's 66?!

The way you were talking I assumed she had another 20 years on that!

I think a lot of the grief you've taken on here is due to your thread title. 'Not to let..' does sound quite bossy and like you're in charge, which you're obviously not when it comes to when and if DH chooses to interact with his DM.

THAT SAID, I'd be unhappy with this, too. I get that she makes DH feel guilty but you've been telling her for literally years that this plan doesn't work for you all - just her.

I'd be making plans for Xmas Eve with the kids and just tell her you have plans. It's really not fair on DH that he hates it but is guilted into doing it every year.

I think it would be a really good idea to get DH to start laying down a few boundaries and not always caving to the guilt-card or things could get really tricky as she gets older.

At 66, unless she's disabled or ill, she should be perfectly capable of taking a taxi and unpacking her own groceries.

It's far from "her only chance to spend quality time with her child "

He has offered different dates but she refuses

He goes to see her on Boxing Day

She turns down invitations to come to theirs on Christmas Day - she finds her GC too noisy

She wants everything HER way and will not compromise.

And the absolute kicker is - he's ILL and she's not showing any concern for him not being well enough to drag himself round a fucking supermarket for over 2 hours then "help" a 66 year old unpack the fucking shopping and make her lunch!!

She doesn't give a shit for him or anyone else does she. What a Mother.

There must be at least one who is 4 or less as one of these previous shopping trips left OP with a 6 day old baby.

Very easily, but seeing as you're clearly lacking in imagination, here are just a few ways of making that possible...

She could have both her children over on Christmas Day.
She could do presents with one, and lunch with another, and swap each year.
She could do lunch with one, and a cosy evening at home with another (again, swapping each year).
They could all go out for a meal as a family.
They could all swap houses each year - one Christmas hosted by OP and her DH, one by the daughter, one by the MIL.

Millions of families split their Christmas Day like that without all this unnecessary bloody drama.