Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

If dh doesn't want to go /spend hours there he gives her options

Go early like 6/7am so has couple of hours with her and then day with you /kids

Pays for taxi from her to shop. And he picks her up /takes home

Tells her no /goes by self

add onto your online

Can he say no to her - if he doesn't want to

In the grand scale of things I don't think spending 2/3hrs with his mum is awful

But

Shopping on 24th is hell so offer 23

Would you respect someone who dropped one family as soon as he gained new family members. BTW I dont love online shopping - prefer to pick out my own stuff. I do it if I have to, but for preference I would go myself.

They've got small kids and it's Christmas eve. I am a grandparent and not far off the mil's age. I would not be all insistent on manipulating my son to spend time with me.
If i did need help, I'd try to make sure it was at a mutually convenient time.
My own parents are approaching 90. Now if they needed urgent help then they would be a priority, but they are sensible and never played games when my children were small.

It will be the last year when he gives this year's particularly vicious and contagious strain of flu to an elderly lady.

She's not old - she's only sixty six!

My mum is 66 and she would die at being called ‘lonely and frail’ or ‘old lady at Christmas’ - 66 ffs!

OP she clearly likes the time spent. I’d suggest DH leaves yours at 8, tell her the shopping must be started at 9 and DH needs to be back on his way home at 12.30. He’ll be home for 1 and the rest of the afternoon.

You sound like my mother in law- she is 76 and can whip up a cocktail with one hand whilst ordering online with the other. I cannot wait to see her on Boxing Day and I bet you’re family can’t wait to see you either

That does depend on the individual your mum is lucky not everyone is that fit or alive at 66. The op did say mil has some illnesses .

What?? You aren't being mean at all. I can't believe the replies on here. The woman has the option to see all the family together but doesn't want this. She's only 66! As if she is demanding that her son is separated from his children on Christmas Eve to do the bloody food shopping that she could do the day before. She sounds so selfish and manipulative. And I usually feel sorry for the mother in laws!

Maybe I am reading too much into it, but I don't see shopping. I see a lonely mother, whose only chance of spending quality time with her child is Christmas shopping. She is resorting to this shopping trope to have a chance of a Christmas meeting with her son. And I see a nasty dil who can't bear this bond, between mother and son, trying to insinuate herself into their special relationship. I have a very good friend, who raised her son single-handedly and never saw him (multiple jobs to keep them going) and her episodes of utter happiness, as she told me, was driving him up North, to university, because those 4 hours were the only mother-son time they had, for the son grew up self-sufficient and not needing mum's company much. She told me it was her ploy to spend at least a few hours at the start of a new term with him. I found that also incredibly sad.
P.S. I did not say 'ever'.

Compromise and say we will drop you at the supermarket, let us know when you're done and we will pick you up

Does your DH realise that he's making it unnecessarily difficult on himself and on you by not properly working something out to ease this conflict? Interestingly, his preferred approach is to just run away from it all. I think this reaction quite likely points to an overbearing and demanding mother and that he's probably been trained to behave this way since childhood. He's probably also picked a woman to be his wife who has similar traits like being opinionated and a strong character. So yes, now he's very much stuck in the middle and doesn't know how to proceed.

He does not need to take his mum out on the 24th. He could easily do so on the 23rd (unless he works and it's an absolute no go), maybe in the evening. It's much nicer to go shopping in the evening during Christmas time and won't be as hurried or stressful. Plus he can then take his time without worrying about getting back to you and the children to some specific time. If she absolutely refuses to do it on the 23rd then the issue definitely is with her, and your DH could reasonably back out of the arrangement all together without feeling guilty. If she's a reasonable woman who just wants to see her son then the 23rd is a perfectly good option. If that's not good enough for her then it's much more likely it's a power move and/or related to some negative motivation.

I would also reflect on whether or not this ongoing situation has become a battleground for you where any choice is seen as choosing between you and his mother. For example if your MIL were to say, oh yes, DS, I'd be happy to go out on the 23rd every year, what a lovely idea! Maybe you could come home to mine for tea and a mince pie after, too...

Would you be okay with that? Or would you still feel angry/sad/disappointed that he's 'picked her' over you?

Sometimes you can get stuck in certain frame of mind to where it no longer serves you well, and it can be really good to consciously fight that. If there's a solution to this that makes you, your MIL and your DH happy, then that's really the smartest thing to do. Don't let negative motivations ruin a good solution that works for everyone. Especially for the children who are in the middle of this.

Old people have different ideas and plenty of time; they have not been using technology as long as other people

Sometimes I can't believe what I read on here. 'Old people'. A woman aged 66. It's very disparaging about more mature women on mumsnet.

She could still be working.

God these vampiric mothers give me the creeps. Let go already.

Op sorry if you've covered this but who does her food shop the rest of the year? Personally I think she does sound selfish to not try and work with you, I don't think her wanting to do the food shop is the issue , she certainly can ask her son but it sounds like she goes out of her way to make it on her own terms and I'm guessing that's what's bothering you. And who exactly is she getting all this food for and your hubby is the one lugging it around and unpacking it when she's not even cooking for you all on the big day. Of course she can go with her daughter after her daughters shift but she'd rather push boundaries with you guys. I'm sorry i don't agree with the others on here having ago at you. She' sounds super selfish. Of course sometimes he can take her but if he offers her an alternative then sometimes she needs to be understanding as well.

Some hilarious ageism on this thread.

If it was all about quality time with her child, she would agree to go when it suited her son, not demand to take up hours of his time on Christmas Eve.

Because that is the day she spends with her daughter…
Not very nice of the OP to offer that as an “option” is it?

You must choose: your son or your daughter on Christmas

Send the kids with him to help with the shopping
Might make her stop asking if she knows the kids are going as well
She needs to take driving lessons,66 is not old

It sounds like MIL knows exactly what she's doing ..

• Must be Xmas Eve. In the morning. AT her prescribed time, after prescribed tea, then prescribed unpacking, then lunch. and so on
• Leaving OP to wrangle the children on her own. on Xmas Eve
• Refusing to come to their house because 'headaches'. Bollocks.
• Declining xmas invitations and insisting her son comes to hers instead
• Knowing kids and OP can't come to hers because of allergies to her many cats.
• Not open to any other timing suggestions or going on herself. Even though she's not even retirement age for most.
• SHe gets him Boxing day, again, leaving OP on her own to wrangle the children on the holidays.

She's driving a wedge methodically between OP and her husband, after making it clear she didn't want him to move out and marry OP.

SIL's job is a good reason not to help, but her son's commitment to his wife and children isn't, apparently.

OP's husband needs to stand up to his mother and say No.

If he's willing to help, he picks the day / time. 23rd is perfectly reasonable. He can tell her he'll wait in the car for her to come out, they go to the shop, he puts the bags in her house, then leaves.

That's really kind of you, thank you. Yes, adult DCs and their partners all love Christmas here and we have a blast!

Exactly. I notice her daughter is exempt from re-arranging her schedule to help.

The woman is controlling
I'd take a dim view of this too
She's 66 ,not 86.
You are going to have years of this op
Perhaps you live to near her

66 is not old.

Or she could see both her children on Christmas Day?