Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

Does your mil live on her own? If she does then I think it is very unreasonable to deny her this pleasure. If she doesn't then you would be within your rights to make your feelings known. At least this would be my opinion if I was in the situation.

Even if DH helps MIL, you will still get most of Christmas Eve and all of Christmas Day with your DH and kids

Very true.

I'm thinking of widowed FIL who turns 80 next month. He would be absolutely mortified if someone escorted him round Tesco and helped him with his food shop!

Yes, please do reflect x

This must be your husband’s decision and right now he feels like he’s stuck in a tug of war between you and his mum.

You risk souring the whole day if you stamp your foot and demand his obedience to your will.

Lots of fathers miss part of Christmas Eve as they are working. I would imagine the afternoon would be plenty of time to watch a film together or something but you want him for the whole day.

Anyway best wishes to you all and I hope you work it out and have a very merry Christmas 🙏🏻💕

If it was all about visiting grandma, they should all go and take the grandchildren along...

Is he taking the children to the park now or on Christmas Eve ?

As a single mum I do not expect any of my 3 adult children to change their plans to enable me to do my Xmas food shopping on Christmas Eve. If I need their help with something we work out between us when it would be convenient. It's called being respectful to each family member......parents, children & their partners.
In our family, Christmas Eve is a magical time for parents & children to do something special if they wish. Life can be very busy with work schedules & I definitely would not want any of my children spending Xmas Eve in a hideously busy supermarket particularly if they are recovering from illness. I used to arrange a festive outing for the whole family .....the kids loved it.
How to move forward:

• Reiterate that you can help on Monday...... So still qualify time for mother/son tradition.
• Have a lovely family Christmas Eve.
• Then rest up so you can enjoy Christmas Day.

It’s not the help she needs, it’s him, his company. She just wants this special time with her son.

But you have him all Christmas day. You don't even ever see her so it's not a lot to give

Wait till you’re in your older years & look forward to one of your DC taking you shopping. She’s probably not confident booking online shop or savvy to book it in advance

Dear oh dear! I'm older than the MIL. I would not want to drag my adult kids out to 'take me shopping'... their christmas break is important to them. I can online shop easily and have done since it first became a thing. We're not all old dears who can't manage anything!
The most I want from my kids and their partners is to be here in plenty of time to drink the delicious cocktails I make christmas eve!!

Really?? This is the saddest post you have ever read? There are posts on here from OPs who have lost children, OPs who are in hideous relationships with violent men, OPs who have been the victims of rape and sexual assault, but the story of this MIL possibly not being taken shopping at 10.00 am exactly on Christmas Eve is the saddest thing you have ever read?

I generally fucking hate the term 'get a grip' but it possibly does apply here.

It doesn't have to be practical help, she clearly enjoys it and it's a Christmas tradition for her and her son.

I would think you were being unreasonable if he actually wanted to go with her, but he doesn't. This means that, on top of not being able to spend Christmas Eve with your DH and DC, you'll probably have to listen to him complain about his mother and the supermarket over the next four days because he didn't have the guts to say no to his mummy.

You have offered so many sensible, helpful alternatives and none of them are good either for her. She's 66. This is learned helplessness of the highest order and it's only going to get worse over the next 20 years.

You shouldn't need to put your foot down because your DH should be perfectly capable of resisting this manipulative behaviour on his own. She needs to experience the consequence of her own inflexibility. She is not entitled to have things exactly as she wants them. If she wants help from her family, she has to take it on their terms. She's 66 for crying out loud.

I think you're right. She's taken him over for the last three Christmas Eves - you have young children and you're not well, so this year she needs to sort herself out.

She's only 66, for god's sake. She can get a taxi to the supermarket. She's crazy to want to shop on Christmas Eve - a lot of stuff has run out by then.

she obviously prefers to go in person , it’s maybe the only time she gets out and has company , you do come across as quite controlling , after taking his mum shopping your dh has the rest of the day to spend with you

If it was about "special time with her son", she wouldn't be demanding it happened at a certain time on a certain day, no matter what.

The DH doesn't want to do it either, why do the MiL's feelings 'trump' his?

So why can't it happen at another time or on another day? What's so special about picking out sprouts on Christmas Eve that means it absolutely has to be done then?

I'm with you op. I'd be annoyed too.

It is incredibly selfish and unreasonable to expect (and engineer by manipulation) alone time with your adult child on Christmas Eve when they have young kids at home. If she wants to see her son, she needs to get a grip of herself and stop the "my grandchildren give me headaches" bollocks, and spend time with all of them. Monopolising your adult child like this at Christmas when they have their own family is weird and controlling.

The MIL is being unreasonable in insisting on shopping on Christmas Eve. Why not Monday instead? They both told the MIL last time that he would be spending Christman Eve with the Op and their children and she has just ignored them and is essentially forcing him to do it. She's refusing them to meet them half way.

A lot of people work Christmas Eve. If he takes her in the morning he will be back by lunchtime. Plus it’s his mum, she won’t be here forever.

You've got Christmas Day as a family.

Suspect you don't much care for your mil, although personally I think she's bonkers for leaving it right to the last minute (M&S was a scrum this morning though so maybe she's not so bonkers).