Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

Ok ANY GENERATION THEN.

And just because it's not YOUR tradition doesn't mean it isn't others.

My mother LOVES going food shopping on Xmas eve and grabbing the freshest broccoli she can. It's like her thing. Fucking loves it.

She goes alone as the supermarket is about 5 min walk from her house but if she asked me I would take her.

Didn't mean to be rude with older generation comment more leaning into my own family I guess.

But just because you don't do that doesn't mean others don't.

That sounds like a nice thing to do.
If she's right about your DC maybe that's something you and your DH can work on, but we've at had that at some point!
It's rough when you're ill and under pressure. I hope you all recover for Christmas Day.

Why does taking someone to the supermarket take priority over spending Christmas Eve at home with your sick wife and small children?

OP's MIL is 66 and can go food shopping today. Or tomorrow. Or on Christmas Eve with her daughter. Or she could have gone yesterday. Or on Friday.

What's so special at going at a specific time on Christmas Eve?

Just awful behaviour. Prior man can't even spend time with his mum. I hope your kids and future in laws don't treat you this way

Except that, even if I couldn’t move, I would not expect my children to take me out on Christmas Eve when they have children at home who are probably excited about Christmas. My children would probably offer me lots of alternatives just like the OP has.

Can’t your husband make his own decisions?

It's her Christmas tradition. What's so special about sitting on the couch watching a film, which is what OP is so desperate for DH to be there all day for?

I felt sorry for her until you said she was 66! And was 63 when this started! Unless she’s disabled or ill she should be sorting it out herself, loads of women are still working full time aged 63-66. I’m older than that and wouldn’t dream of taking my married sons away from their young families for hours on Christmas Eve and I don’t know of anyone who would.
I totally get your irritation. On a similar theme, when my adult children were little my husband had to leave the house every Christmas morning to drive to pick up his parents as they were too tight too get a taxi ( never offered him any petrol money) took 2 hours out of every Christmas morning for about 12 years. And then 2 hours in the early evening to take them back ( were offered beds but wanted to go back to their own place) .Again they weren’t particularly old, late 60’s, FIL had stopped driving due to arthritis and MIL never learned.

Of course YANBU, OP. Your MIL does this expressly, I hope you are aware of this.

And if DH doesn't want to do it then maybe he should tell her that and you stay out of it.

It would be nice to find a compromise but if not that's OK but rather than putting your foot down let DH make his own mind up and tell his mother.

On reading your original post I thought you were being unreasonable, thinking that a poor little old lady would have to battle though the throngs by herself. The only mitigating factor to my mind was that you are all ill and not spreading germs to her (or all and sundry in the supermarket) would be a good thing. However, now that I have read all your posts and see she is 66 my view is very different. Unless she has some particular frailty I would say she can jolly well take a taxi. If she's hard up and DH feels guilty maybe he could offer to pay for the taxi?

I really sympathise with you OP. It doesn’t sound like this is a family tradition at all but a sacrifice of your husband’s precious family time and holiday to indulge a lady who is only thinking of herself and what she wants to do. She’s 66! She’s not got one foot in the grave. Sounds like it’s a a good half day of travelling and cups of tea and wandering and taking her sweet time and then unpacking and being waited on. If she needed this help every week because she can’t manage that would be one thing but she’s clearly ok the rest of the year, right so why does she insist on doing her Christmas shopping Christmas Eve of ALL days? She’s not in need and it’s not festive or quality mummy/son time to go SUPERMARKET shopping is it??? she just wants her son to pander to her and I expect thoroughly enjoys putting you out in the process. You’ve offered her practical alternatives and she’s not taking the hint on purpose. I’m not surprised he dreads it but he’s the only one that can put his foot down I’m afraid. I don’t buy that she’s some kind of quaint old dear either if she can’t abide her grandchildren incase they give her a headache?? Tesco on Christmas Eve would give me a bloody headache - funny she can cope with those crowds and noise though!! Sounds like she’s a lot of hard work and you both need a lot of patience.

OP has offered to do the shop for her, she's refused.
She's offered to add her shop to theirs, she's refused.
Her other daughter has also offered to take her on Christmas Eve - she's refused that as well.

If it was just about her being unsure about technology, why isn't any of those options good enough?

I’m showing dh this thread and he said that he does have guilt as he knows she loves going with him and yet he also wants to spend more time with the dc while they are still little. He feels pulled between both of us ‘acting in a very similar way for two women who claim to not be like the other’ and that he’s contemplating just taking the dc out himself to the park and turning his phone off as he’s had enough.

Might take some time to reflect now so will be back later perhaps

I was about to say that my MIL has Parkinson's dementia and my mother is increasingly frail and I'd be grateful if DH or I could take them to the shops for a few hours.

However, your MIL is 66. Two years older than me. I work full-time, run a home, am involved with other stuff and there is no excuse whatsoever, notwithstanding illness, for anyone of my age to be unable to drive or to independently be able to book a taxi to and from the supermarket.

Unless your MIL has significant health issues, she needs to crack on in my opinion.

your MIL is a selfish controlling mother

You're totally missing the point.
It's not about the things, it's about spending time with her son. Without you.

What's so special about any of the silly little regular things we do with those we love, I guess.

DP and I visit the same friends every year on Boxing Day and do the exact same things. There's no good reason but we'd miss it if we didn't do it.

Not sure Xmas Eve is reason enough that it should be considered sacred Family (Only My Little Family) Time. It's a normal working day for most people.

C’mon now OP get a grip. Describing your DH taking his mother food shopping on Christmas Eve in the years after his father has died as her “getting what she wants” is nuts.

As is guilting him that his children have to spend “yet another Christmas Eve”. My children have half a day at most with us on Christmas Eve any Christmas because we are working. And id bet tons of people work the full day. It does the children no harm at all.

And what if she doesn’t want to go to Australia for Christmas? That sounds like I’m going to say to my OH let’s ship your mother off for Christmas.

It's easier for MiL to shop with someone than alone

Why? I'm older than the MIL and I don't need someone walking round with me! What a strange thing to think

Because her husband died in 2020.
Being widowed may be something you can shrug off, but many widows will want to create new traditions with other family to make the Christmas season a little less sad and lonely.

Yeah I've changed my vote as well to YANBU. I think if the OP had stated the MIL was only 66, this is only a 3 year thing and hadn't used the term "let" then I think this would have been a different thread and more of a one sided vote.

(Great entertainment though!)

Completely agree with this

acting in a very similar way for two women who claim to not be like the other

I was thinking this throughout the whole thread and I'm glad the penny has dropped for him too!