Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

taxi service instead - not likely she will want to be ill for new year

No, OP said “we suggested” which is code for I suggested and stood over DH to make sure DH passed the suggestion on.

@Bookitonlinenextyear

Remember, your own children will be looking at how you and your DH treat her, and using it as their template for how they will one day treat the pair of you.

You too will one day be old, lonely, and clinging to traditions that make you feel happy and comfortable.

i don't think yabu - he doesnt want to do it and sounds like he doesn't have to either. Offer the 23rd take it or leave it -

Are you alone ill with very young dc and babies? If so, I think it’s ok to ask that he stays and helps, but if your dc are not toddlers and you’re feeling better, then you are being unfair.
This is something that is important to her, be kind.

That’s you. My mother is 74 and has had two hips replacements, and multiple other operations. She had the first at 60.

She is nervous on her feet, probably overly so because of fear, it drives me absolutely bananas at times because she loudly freaks out in public when I can see she’s ok. But she’s my mother and I will look after her because what kind of person would I be if I didn’t?!

It’s a few hours on Christmas Eve when most people are working anyway. It’s only a big deal if it’s made into a big deal.

It was the "let him" bit that got me. Bloody hell!!
Can you imagine the furore on here if that had been a man saying that.

Yes! So we can take moving family photos of ourselves with our parsnips and cranberry sauce.😁

It does seem like this she won’t accept anything other than going in person.

Seems like you won't accept anything other than seeing your DH in person for those couple hours. Maybe they can Facetime you from the shop...same thing by your logic?

Its just time together, whatever the activity. A few hours on Christmas eve morning. The rest of Christmas is still there for exclusive special nuclear family acitivities.

SiL is at work on Christmas eve, the DH obviously isn't.

I do think this does show MIL's character, at least to an extent.

She's entitled enough to still expect DH to do this when the whole family is ill. OP is exhausted and would like her DH at home where he belongs in a situation like this, to help her look after the children.To be unwilling to make allowances for this shows rigidity, lack of empathy and being unable to see things from any perspective other than one's own.

MIL is not elderly, nor infirm. I'm sure she could get herself to the supermarket and back just fine. However it's more important to her that she gets exactly what she has decided she should have. That's not how it works in families. Some years extenuating circumstances come up!

It's also quite possible that DH is suffering with FOG and actually doesn't want to do this but still feels compelled. He needs to work on that, if that's the case.

While there's a queue of families all waiting to take their photos so they can remember the joys of Tesco on Christmas Eve forevermore...

You are sounding really mean about this. Family can be so much more than the people who live in your house.

Unless your mother in law has health problems which prevent her from going to the supermarket, then I'm not sure why she has to have a lift or why she couldn't do the shopping tomorrow. I'm slightly older than her and I wouldn't expect anyone to take me shopping. But, I can completely understand why she doesn't want to do an online shop and wants to choose her own things for herself and I think it's really unreasonable to expect her to do that just because you think it's best.

I also think it's incredibly unreasonable to be telling your husband that he can't go to help him mum if that's what he's planning to do. What is so special about the day of Christmas Eve that it has to be a big family occasion and he can't be spared for three or four hours, especially when he would be back by early afternoon? Most people are still working on Christmas Eve - or have you banned him from doing that as well?

I can't imagine the circumstances when I would have refused to help my mum with something like this, no matter how inconvenient it might have been, unless I was ill enough thst I was worried about infecting her with a nasty lurgy. You sound very harsh and I compassionate, and clearly can't stand your mother in law. But if your husband goes to help his mum, you will have your family together for the afternoon and evening, and Christmas Day. Christmas is supposed to be the season of good will, but you would never know it on Mumsnet.

I was going to say YABU OP but having read your updates - you are definitely not being unreasonable. At 66 she is (unless she has some significant illness/disability? well able to get her own shopping. DH will either have to put on his big boy pants and make a stand or suck it up.
He could just say no.

He could say, if 23rd isn't good enough then I can't take you as we can't do 24th.
He could drop her off at supermarket then pick her up three hours later and drop her home and let her sort out her own shopping.
She is not an old lady and doesn't need someone making lunch for her unless, as I've said, she is ill/disabled or something.
Sounds like this is woman trying to have some control over her DS.
It's not about older people wanting to see their own shopping. I'm not far off 60 and DH is 65 and we both bloody hate shopping and always do online! No way would I drag my DCs round the supermarket at any time of year.
Shes just being a pain in the arse.

Yabu to tell your dh what he can do.
Your mil is being unreasonable in not taking into account your families plans.
But...
I take it she doesn't spend Christmas Day with you and is on her own for the day, just because you mentioned she doesn't like to spend time with your kids as they give her a headache? If that's the case, I'd just let you dh continue to take his mum out for the few hours in the morning and then plan things for the afternoon with him and the kids.
I think this is a conversation for the new year about how your dh wants to continue. He does sound still very much beholden to her and maybe he feels stuck between the both of you. Only he can say if he wants to continue this, and if he does, then you need to work the family plans for afterwards.

But you are not old and you are not her. You are trying to create some chocolate box modern scenario seen in the Hallmark Christmas movies. Do not use your experience to judge how other people are feeling a this time of year. I would have thought that having gone through some trauma in your early years would make you even more empathic to the needs of older people. Deal with the reality .

Why does she need him there? She's younger than me, I wouldn't dream of dragging my adult DC out to do this. Why does it have to be Christmas eve? Selfish woman

So you then have all afternoon and evening on christmas eve and then the whole of Christmas day?
I cannot imagine ever telling my husband when he can / can't spend time with his mum.

Well no, the equivalent would be:

I'm a mother of two young children. My mother, 66, has been rude to DH from the very beginning, and caused trouble at our wedding. Every year she wants me to take her food shopping on Xmas Eve and I don't want to do this. She did this even when we had a 6 day old baby, and this year I'm ill. DH doesn't want me to do it and says I need to say No. We have offered my mother 3 solid alternatives but she is being incredibly difficult and saying No to each one. She's invited here but won't come because she says my DC 'give her a headache'. SiL has offered to take her and will be with her on Xmas Day. DH is now trying to put his foot down but I don't know how to say No to her. She makes me feel so guilty. It means leaving here at 9am and getting home at 1.30pm if I'm lucky, after all the faffing and making her lunch. Is my DH being unreasonable in being fed up of this and wanting me to be firm over it?

I’ve said to dh it’s his choice ultimately but that I’m just feeling quite sad that the dc will
have another Xmas eve where he’s out half the day. He agrees he said he did it the last 3 years not thinking it was something he would have to do every year from then on. He does a lot in general as well as social visits

MIL spends Christmas Day with her daughter.
She doesn't want to see her grandchildren, despite being invited, because they're too rambunctious and give her a headache.

Let's stop painting her like some poor, lonely widow who spends Christmas Day in the dark, sobbing into her parsnips, shall we?

Don't forget that we are only getting one side of the story though.

OP has repeatedly said the MIL won’t go early.