Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

She’s 66. Why can’t she just wait for sil, given your Dh has said he doesn’t want to go and ‘dreads it’. Hate to say, she sounds like a pita. My mother is similar, prefers to wander round and pick up what she wants rather than do an online delivery. I’ve offered so many times and then my poor uncle (her bil) ends up running after her every weekend, despite repeatedly telling her he hasn’t got time, what with his 7 grandkids! Saying that, my mum gave up her licence and is 86!

This is a power play by your MIL, she wants her son to prioritise her over you.

66 is not that old that she needs the help and support of her son, you have offered her alternatives and she has declined. She blatantly avoids time with you and the kids.

This is about her wanting you to understand she is more important to her son than you. Its sad. Your husband needs to sit down and have a serious chat with her about how important she is in his life but that she brought him up to have a life and that is what he has. Its because of her, not to spite her that he has a happy marriage and she needs to support that and stop trying to make him chose sides.

This is a hill your husband needs to die on, for himself unless he forever wants to be a mummies boy!

Oh grow up. It’s his mother not some random off the street. You are behaving like a two year old

Why don't you all go out together then have a nice lunch out or even coffee and a cake somewhere? Or get the DC to help Nan. My ghastly teenager can really put on the charm and have a good laugh with his Nan, whilst helping her. Being kind gives kids a warm glow inside and gives them a chance to give back. A lot of Xmas food has a sell-by date and if she's hoping for it to last through she is better shopping at the last moment. She might get some bargains. You might get some bargains ! What is so pressing that you need to do that Xmas eve afternoon? If you do it her way or make it a Xmas tradition it could even be fun.

How does she normally do her shopping OP if she won't do it online and doesn't drive?

She’s been given options. There should be compromise and she’s just not willing too then I’d say tough.

The 23rd, online, 8am at the shops and no lunch, I drop you and you taxi back, go with sister or taxi both ways. Pick one.

Shes 66 she’s not 87 with a walker. She’s not hosting the big family Christmas to try and guilt help there. Yanbu

I don’t have any family that I know of. I have my family which is dh and dc. I want to just spend Xmas eve with them . For the last 3 years Dh has done this and this year I’m just exhausted from being unwell and really just want to do something nice as a family unit even if we are still unwell and just watch an Xmas film at home .

Sorry @Bookitonlinenextyear but I think you're being harsh here and just making things difficult for the sake of it.

It's something he does with his mum each year, it's not gonna take all day, even if it's a couple/3 hours it's not a massively big deal.

Do you really want to basically "forbid" it / demand he doesn't do it? Will that really make you happy?

Watching a Christmas film at home isn't going to take all of your day is it, why can't it be both?

Given OP bristling resentment he may have said that to smooth OP’s feathers as she is putting him in a very tough spot.

Yanbu OP, and I really don't know why you're getting such a hard time here. Your MIL sounds selfish AF and jealous of your relationship with DH to boot.

It takes hours and I want us to have Xmas eve as a family

She is family.

And you must realise that your own family history possibly makes it difficult for you to understand or not to feel resentful of this particular ritual.

I'd understand if it was christmas day he was being forced out, but it's Christmas eve which is just another day in so many ways. I'd let her have this, if he's well enough to go out.

For his mum, it's a nice little tradition

That no one else wants to partake in. The op quite clearly said they've told her they're all ill and her dh has tried to persuade his dm to do online shopping instead over the years and offered to add her items to their online shop this year. She's refused. She is invited to theirs Christmas Day. She's refused.

Her son is ill and has made it quite clear he doesn't want to do it and would like to stop this "nice little tradition".

She is still INSISTING on being driven and chaperoned at the shops all day.

Honeslty, are some of you fucking insane or just being deliberately obtuse? On what planet is this woman not anything other than a selfish, controlling arsehole?

I wouldnt let this bother me.

You have Christmas Eve afternoon and evening to watch films. Christmas Day just you, your DH and kids. DH pops out Boxing Day to visit his mother.

That seems like quite a decent balance.

Can't he ask her to go earlier and say that he hasn't got time to put away the shopping and have lunch?

She seems very rigid with her demands and unwilling to compromise.

if my mil was rude to me and refused to visit because our children are too loud I don’t think I’d feel I owed her her desired Christmas Eve shopping.

I think she lost most people when she framed it as ‘letting him go’, as if she had the right to stop him! He needs to make his own decision, and if he doesn’t want to go shopping with his mother, which is what the OP says, despite the fact that he is, then it’s for him to tell her, not for the OP to prevent him going.

Personally I couldn’t get worked up about my husband, when he was alive, spending a few hours with his mother on Christmas Eve, even if he and I had rather he’d have been at home, because we both knew that supporting her was the right thing to do. And as they’re both now dead, I’m glad we took that approach.

You have rest of the year to do family days out with no MIL.
To forbid DH to go with his MIL on one shop because he needs to keep a sofa cushion warm while you watch a film on TV is incredibly petty.

She spends Christmas Day with her daughter,

OP declines to join them due to cats. So they have all of Christmas day to be "my little family" and the OP doesn't need to even see her MiL over the holiday which I'm sure is a great relief to both parties.

I'm still intrigued to know what is the all day activity chosen by a three year old.

He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no.

You sound controlling @Bookitonlinenextyear.

It's up to your DH what he wants to do. It is his decision.

Look at your children OP and then remember that she feels the same way about your DH as you do about your DC.

The MIL is the one behaving like a two year old - demanding her son's attention for hours on Christmas Eve because she apparently has to go shopping on a certain day and at a certain time, but then refusing to see him or his kids on Christmas Day because they "give her a headache".

Her behaviour stinks. Mother or not.

But there's easily time to do both? If i was him id be aiming to get Mil to the shop by 9am.. He'd easily be back lunchtime-ish and you can plan a cosy afternoon with a film and a boardgame! Christmas Eve is a whole day?

It’s clearly a great pleasure for DM. They could go early in the morning which means DH is back in time for lunch and to spend the afternoon with DC (if he is not working?)

You seem blind to the obvious, this is a special trip She really enjoys with her son every Christmas Eve; the atmosphere, the rush, it just makes it really special for her and you want to deprive her! and you think it’s okay to add her bits to your shopping that just shows a total lack of understanding Give him up for a couple of hours he’s not a possession or a dog.