Guests haven't RSVPd for Xmas drinks and food

[SoDemure]

For the past few years, post covid, we have been out Xmas day and then hosted friends for drinks and a buffet in the evening (cheese board, gammon, roast potatoes, etc).

Made new friends this year and they seemed very keen to join when we mentioned this back in the summer. I couldn't confirm until late as we're having work done on the house but, last week, I text to say we're definitely going ahead with drinks etc and would love for them to join. They had already told us they were just home for Xmas, very local to us.

The wife said she would check with her husband. Fine, no worries. Her husband saw mine later in the week and said "we'll let you know".

They still haven't confirmed and I'm not sure whether to chase them or not.

It makes a slight difference as to how much food I prepare as they are big eaters with older teens, and I would be mortified if I hadn't prepared enough food.

I think they're being very rude not to confirm either way. Even if food wasn't an issue, surely it's not that difficult to say yes or no after you've had a week to think about it?

I know I can call or text to chase them, but am being a bit petty as I think they should be the ones to politely RSVP.

You may be right but I think I would just text and say
sorry to hassle you but just arranging food shop, fine if you can't make it but can you let us know today please.
Or similar

They absolutely should confirm either way - it's rude not to! Even if it's a polite 'thank you for the invitation but we can't make it'.

I would message them and just say 'sorry to bother you, just wondering if you can confirm whether or not you can make Christmas day so I know how much food to prepare. No worries if you can't make it, just need to know for food prep'

I never understand how people grow up without basic manners... if they can't or don't want to a polite text to say so. I have a few friends like this and it really bothers me. I dont invite them as a result.

Rude. Chase them, but don't invite them in the future.

They don't want to come.

That's absolutely fine! It's an invite, not a summons. I wouldn't go anywhere Xmas evening but I'm very happy to host. Just odd they won't confirm one way or another.

We’ll/I’ll let you know seems to mean ‘no’ or ‘I’m going to dick you around’ these days.

I know people who do this, some people don't feel comfortable turning down invitations. Generally when people don't confirm, they're not coming.

I'd assume they weren't coming. If they did turn up I am not sure I'd be able to resist looking astonished and saying "Oh, I didn't realise you were coming! I'm so sorry, I don't think we have enough food for you. Do come in and have a drink though." And never invite them again.

I wouldn't chase them, if they aren't big enough to say no already they're only going to feel stress (or whatever) at more pressure.

From what you've said they didn't sound very keen (apart from in the summer when Christmas was forever away) so I'd cater for them not turning up and if they do you'll know all the food will be used up. I would imagine they'll not be terribly hungry if they've had Christmas lunch already.

I agree with this. But I don't understand why people are so uncomfortable with it. Do they really think that they are so indispensable to the would-be host that if they say "That sounds lovely. Thank you for inviting us. We can't come but I hope/am sure you will have a lovely time." the host will keel over with grief? Messing people about is so much ruder.

As usual on MN, first reply is what you need.

Some people don't cope very well with 'confrontation'. They're people pleasers or just don't like saying no.

I’d say nothing more and crack on with your evening, they are rude, no matter what their reason/s.

I think I’d message them and say “I’m just finalising the food order for Christmas Day. Could you let me know by X time whether you are able to join us so I can ensure I have enough in. I’ll assume you are not able to make it if I haven’t heard by then. Have a lovely Christmas if we don’t see you.”

They are inconsiderate not to have let you know. But if they are newish friends with teens I cannot imagine their teens will be wanting to spend Christmas night away from home with friends of their parents, so I expect they are not coming and feel bad about saying so.

They should let you know in an ideal world but it’s very difficult to make excuses when they’ve already said they don’t have plans, especially on Xmas Day, they can’t say they’ve been called in to work or need to go the car garage or dentist…

I’ve seen me agreeing to plans months ahead and say that’s great bla bla and at the time I mean it, but as the time gets closer more often than not I’ve changed my mind.

I realise that some people would prefer “We don’t want to come anymore” and I understand why as then you’ll know how much food to get etc.. but plenty of people don’t want to be that blunt.

I wouldn’t chase them. Just leave it and assume they aren’t coming. That way if they’ve genuinely forgot to reply they won’t do that again and you can invite then I’m but explain there may not be much food as you weren’t expecting them.

If they don’t turn up, it’s because they didn’t want to come, buy didn’t know how to get out of it. People don’t forget about things they really want to go to in general. No reply means they’re not fussed.

I agree it’s a pain but don’t keep pushing it.

This is very rude of them.

I would (personally) pull them up on this with a message along the lines of…..

As I haven’t had a confirmation back, I’ve taken it that you won’t join us.

I wouldn't ask again, just organise food for the numbers you know are attending.
They've possibly made other plans as it was only confirmed last week, but they really ought to let you know.

Yes I would go with this.

It's incredibly rude, even the last minute Harrys must know that you need to buy the ingredients for Christmas dinner a few days in advance.

I'd take a slightly different tack and text 'guess you can't make it on X day, not to worry, another time!'

Is it possible to have something quick filling and on standby in case they do walk through the door?

You shouldn't have to - as I agree it bloody rude not to let you know- but a few frozen platter styles thing than can be cooked from frozen fairly quickly and put out - so you don't have to chase and get further mess around.

Thats exactly what I would do!

If it's a local pop around situation, maybe they think they can play it by ear and let you know on the day. Are you certain they know you need an advance rsvp?

I suspect it’s not at the front of their minds because they have a lot on and / or they have assumed this is more a casual drop in affair rather than an organised and catered event and are playing it by ear, which is the norm for large group drop ins. Just tell them you need to confirm numbers for food today.

I'd assume they either don't want to come or they're planning on seeing how they feel on the day. Either way they don't want to come enough to commit.

I would leave it, assume they won't be there, but have some spare food you can put out if necessary and act very surprised if they do turn up.