Guests haven't RSVPd for Xmas drinks and food

[SoDemure]

For the past few years, post covid, we have been out Xmas day and then hosted friends for drinks and a buffet in the evening (cheese board, gammon, roast potatoes, etc).

Made new friends this year and they seemed very keen to join when we mentioned this back in the summer. I couldn't confirm until late as we're having work done on the house but, last week, I text to say we're definitely going ahead with drinks etc and would love for them to join. They had already told us they were just home for Xmas, very local to us.

The wife said she would check with her husband. Fine, no worries. Her husband saw mine later in the week and said "we'll let you know".

They still haven't confirmed and I'm not sure whether to chase them or not.

It makes a slight difference as to how much food I prepare as they are big eaters with older teens, and I would be mortified if I hadn't prepared enough food.

I think they're being very rude not to confirm either way. Even if food wasn't an issue, surely it's not that difficult to say yes or no after you've had a week to think about it?

I know I can call or text to chase them, but am being a bit petty as I think they should be the ones to politely RSVP.

Probably, but OP can't count on that can she because they may turn up. People do that sometimes.

Absolutely do not say ‘sorry to hassle you’ when you are the one buying, cooking and hosting rude people! Omg.

I've learned the hard way that, 'I'll let you know' means "no" or "I'll keep you hanging to see if I get a better offer". It's so annoying. Just be honest and say no up front.

Personally, I would just over cater. They're more likely to be just caught up in other stuff, and replying has fallen down the seemingly endless 'to do' list.
Might be considered quite rude, yes, but it happens sometimes.

I can't imagine older teens wanting to spend Christmas evening at a buffet with new friends of their parents anyway? And leftovers can get used up.

Merry Christmas!

I would just assume they aren't coming, but have some extra food you can quickly whip out of the freezer in case they do. And I wouldn't invite them again.

OP it is not 'needy' to chase them for a response to your invitation.

It is, however very rude of them not to reply.

'Hi X, we're finalising numbers for Xmas day evening. Please could you let us know by the end of the day if you are coming?"

Then if you don't hear back you know they aren't.

I get your pain, I'm still waiting on confirmation from someone for Christmas dinner, and that's the person with very specific dietary needs, which I don't mind catering for, but I would like to know if I have to!

They don't want to come and are to rude to say so. Just stop asking them and write them off.

I think I’d just text them to say, haven’t heard back from you about 25th so we’ll see you in the New Year, have a lovely Christmas.

I would have precisely one thing they can eat on your table, and if they show up you feign surprise and say, "Oh, you didn't RSVP so I assumed you weren't coming and I didn't cater for your dietary requirements. You're welcome to have some sprouts, everything else is either meat or cooked in goose fat though unfortunately."

Agree that this is rude. What did your last message say?

If you said we'd love you to join then the offer is still out there so I think you need to cater as if they will. If you said let me know then only cater if they respond.

I like to have a plan so just think about myself I'd send a message saying 'I'm doing the last shopping for Xmas Day today. Let me know asap if you're coming otherwise hope you have a great Xmas and see you in the NY!!'.

This is perfect. They haven't the decency to let you know, so make the decision for them.

I think I’d message them to say, ‘Since I haven’t heard from you, I take it that you won’t be coming on Christmas Day evening?’

In my experience, 'I will let you know' also means no. Some people have the decency to 'let you know it's a no' and many only do so when chased and sometimes chased multiple times. I now don't chase because it annoys me having to do so for an invite! I would just assume it's a no.

I'd text and say that I'm just finalising the food for Xmas Day and assume they aren't coming as I hadn't heard, but let me know today if it's any different. Then wish them a lovely Christmas.

And never invite again.

I dont think it's very common to host like this on Xmas Day so I'd not be surprised that they don't intend to come but it's very rude of them not to reply.

I wouldn’t contact them. It’s rude not to respond, just send a text you don’t have to ‘speak’ to anyone. FFS I despair that simple interactions are now so challenging.

I think for a xmas day evening buffet you can't really be too precise about food quantity anyway. It's not like you're hosting a sit down meal on a normal day. People may not be very hungry if they've already had a big meal. They may not feel like going out and prefer to slump in front of the tv so may ring up with an excuse anyway. Teens are unlikely to want to attend.

As others have said, a Xmas day buffet sounds like a 'drop in if you want' sort of affair not a formal invitation.

Passive aggressive

You really don’t want them deciding they’re bored and suddenly turning up though, so I would text with one of the suggestions above. Along the lines of “as we haven’t heard back, we assume you have plans and we will catch up with you in the New Year”…and don’t invite them again 😊

Tbf drinks in the evening, I'd take as a casual drop in affair that an rsvp wasn't expected - that's how it's always been with friends round here. If you arrive late and there's not much left, you don't worry, and if you arrive early you don't take huge amounts until it's clear that there is plenty.

At this time of year it may have slipped their mind too. Wednesday evening was the first evening (and the last until Christmas day) that I didn't have anything on at all. Seeing you probably jogged his mind, then he forgot again.
Drop a quick text saying "are you able to let me know if you're coming on X day, for catering numbers."

Some people seem to think that they only need to respond if they're coming - if not, they just don't bother.

I agree. Why should you remind them. I wouldn't prepare extra foodl.

Could you send a group message to everyone you have invited. Reiterate the invitation, confirm timings and expectations, (that sounds really pretentious but I mean like, we're having a casual buffet and games, or, looking forward to a massive roast, bring a bottle' type thing) and please let you know if they can/can't make it.
I think especially if the confirmed invitation was quite late and they know you often have a crowd it might have come across as more of a casual drop in party and not necessarily requiring a definite commitment.

I always presume that when an English person doesn’t rsvp they aren’t coming. It’s like the “we must meet up” that never actually means it.

"Hi, nice you could make it. We didn't cater for you but you're welcome to a drink."